A Confession…

I have a confession to make.  I’ve started smoking again.  One day, while I was smoking my e-cigarette, I realized, I just want to taste my cigarette.  It’s not the smoking I need to give up, it’s the nicotine.  With the electronic cigarette, I was getting my daily dose of nicotine (and then some), but I wasn’t enjoying that Marlboro 27 taste I love so much.  Those who’ve never smoked can’t understand how a cigarette can taste enjoyable.  That’s the best way I can explain the taste, “enjoyable”.

I do intend to quit nicotine, though I’m not sure when.  I know that it is possible, as I was able to quit for 6 weeks two years ago.  I may make it a resolution later this year, but most-likely I’ll do it on my own and share the news once I’ve kicked the habit for good.

And now,  something that’s been bothering me tonight.  I was at work and one of my co-workers said to me “I think you’re depressed”.  Well, that’s pretty obvious.  I’m sure I must come off that way to everyone because I am, in fact, depressed.  Then she said “what are you going to do?”  This particular co-worker is often looking out for me.  She knows I’m unhappy with my life and she would like to see me break out of my funk.  Then she said something that really struck a chord with me.

“I feel like I’m stuck in neutral and everyone else is moving past me.” I said.

“Well, no offense, but that’s true.  You aren’t doing anything about it.”  She said.

She wants me to go back to school.  I would like to go back to school, but that would mean continuing to live with my parents.  I’ve hoped to get a new job that pays better so I can move out.   I’m 31.  I hate my life.  I hate living at home.  I’m so embarrassed and afraid to meet new people.  I can’t tell a potential friend or boyfriend that I live at home with my parents, but then again, I can’t move out because I don’t have a job that pays enough for me to live on my own.  If i go back to school and get a Master’s Degree, I could eventually have a job that pays better and doesn’t make me feel ashamed.  I hate being so indecisive.

I’m such a loser. What do I do?



2 thoughts on “A Confession…

  1. garyhorton139387507

    I encourage you not to smoke the cigarette. Let time take that desire away from you. I can relate to your feeling of being stuck. I’m stuck too, but I’m 55 and you’re 31. You may not believe it, but you’re in a great place to plan your next move.

    If you can handle it, stay at home and go back to school. Times are tough for most people and we’re all having to make adjustments in order to survive. Grad school would be fun, just take the time to make a sound decision about what you will study and what your job prospects would realistically be. If you’re not careful, you could finish grad school with a big student loan debt and no job.

    I went to grad school when I was 31 and loved it, but then graduated and hated the career I had chosen. It was an expensive learning process.

    You probably are depressed. Depression might be an indicator that you are not loving yourself enough. That you are not being your own best friend. The truth is, no one is coming to save you. Anti-depressants are a temporary fix at best and are not advised.

    Here’s a greater truth. You have the brains to figure your way out. You have a roof over your head and food to eat, and you have time to plan. Make an escape plan and follow through with it.

    We are all afraid and disappointed.


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