Monthly Archives: March 2013

My First Week on Weight Watchers

A couple weeks ago, I wrote about re-joining Weight Watchers.  I am proud to say that I went to my second meeting yesterday!  (I didn’t write about my first meeting as there really wasn’t much to say about it.)  If you’ve ever been to Weight Watchers, you know the drill.  You show up, a volunteer weighs you in, you gather in a room and wait for the meeting to start.  The meeting portion is run by a leader/member who has succeeded on the Weight Watchers program in the past.  During the meeting, she’ll bring up a topic, and the more assertive members will discuss the topic, while everyone else listens.  Meetings tend to be about 30 to 45 minutes long.  

Anyway, I went to my second meeting yesterday.  This means I’ve been on the program for one week.  Typically, on my second weigh-in, I tend to lose a large amount of weight, for instance, 4 or 5 pounds.  I lost two.  Those two pounds ruined my entire day.  At work, I was able to hold it in and when I finally got to my car, I just burst into tears.  I had several crying fits on the ride home as well.  I don’t believe my mood was affected by the two pounds.  I think I feel this way because I’m just realizing how long this journey will take.

When I began my weight loss crusade, (last week), I weighed in at 237.8.  This is actually less than what I weighed last July, which was 251 pounds.  To give you an idea of how this weight is distributed, I am 5’7½” tall.  I intend to post a current picture soon.

Eventually, I would like to weigh 120 pounds,  It is so overwhelming to imagine how long it’ll take me to lose all that weight.  The scariest thing for me is the thought that I will be 35 by the time I lose the weight and no one will want me.  It’s making my eyes moist just thinking about it.

I’m still not at the point where I believe I’m worth it.  If a man were to compliment me, then I might believe him.  I can remember being in college and having female friends tell me “It doesn’t matter what I think, the only compliments that matter to you come from men.”  That is still true to this day.  I can’t believe I’m attractive or interesting unless a male peer tells me so.

Unfortunately, I don’t think someone will want to date me until I’ve lost 80 pounds.  It is going to take forever to lose 80 pounds.  It upsets me more than anything to think that I could spend another 2 years trying to lose the weight so that I can finally date.

I suppose I should be proud of myself for starting this journey.  It’s a big step for me.  I just can’t stop thinking of the time that I will spend being fat.  More than anything, I want to hear compliments.  I can’t spend my entire life hating myself.

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Finding Mr. Right

 

My Photoshop "collage" of my ideal man.  You will see some watermarks, I can't afford stock photos.

My Photoshop “collage” of my ideal man. You will see some watermarks, I can’t afford stock photos.

If you’ve read some posts of mine, you may have noticed that I’m a fan of the HBO show, “Girls”.  On Wednesday, I watched the final episode of season 2.  I’ll try not to give too much away, but I will say that Adam, the funny and strange former boyfriend of Hannah, inspired my post.  His last line in this particular episode, “I was always here”, just made me melt.

It got me thinking about something my therapist once spoke about.  Much of my therapy sessions revolve around my inability to find a man.  I feel inadequate because men rarely take an interest in me, but that’s beside the point.  My therapist asked “What would your ideal partner be like?”  And you know what? That was an incredibly hard question to answer!

He said to me “How will you find a man if you don’t know what you’re looking for?”

Now, sometimes, I disagree with my therapist, (for instance, when he says that at this point in my life, I am feeling the need to have a family with children).  But, that question made so much sense.  I’m constantly lamenting the fact that men don’t like me, but I’ve never given much thought as to what I want in a man who does find me attractive.

This brings me back to “Girls”.  Adam, despite all his faults, seemed so perfect when he picked up Hannah-who was close to having a break down-and held her close and said “I was always here”.  You have to see the episode to experience the magic.

So without further adieu, I present to you a list of the preferred qualities in my ideal man, along with an explanation if need be:

  • Very masculine, no strong feminine side
  • Not clingy – Believe it or not, I once dated a guy who was very clingy.  He constantly wanted to be with me and would often say “I love you”.  Needless to say, I wasn’t into him as much as he was into me.  One night, at the popular off-campus bar, I kissed my friend (we have a long history), and realized that this man just wasn’t right for me.
  • Close to my age – I feel that I’m immature, therefore I want to date someone who isn’t in his 40s.
  • Athletic build with sexy, muscular arms – This is most certainly not a necessity, but a definite plus.  In missionary sex, I love feeling his strong arms on both sides of me.  Soooo sexy!
  • Not super-religious – I don’t care what religion he follows, as long as he doesn’t talk about God all of the time.  I’m a lapsed Catholic, I really don’t need to hear you proselytizing.
  • Preferably no children
  • Likes animals – I like dogs and cats and most other critters.  I have a cat, so if he can tolerate her then that’s a definite plus!
  • Light eyes – I love blue or green eyes
  • Outgoing personality – I’m very shy, so I’d like to meet a man who’ll help me to come out of my shell a bit.
  • Similar taste in music
  • Similar sense of humor – I believe there are two types of people in this world: those who get Strong Bad emails, and those who don’t.  I prefer to hang with the former, we just mesh better.
  • No ego
  • Likes time away from me
  • Is educated – He needs to prove that he’s intelligent, we need to be able to communicate.
  • Has full, soft lips – Some may think this to be a feminine trait but I think full lips are sexy on a man.
  • Is caring, conscientious, polite, and not demanding.
  • He is driven to succeed, but not a workaholic.
  • He is not a teetotaler – I don’t drink often, but when I do, I prefer to have my man drink with me.
  • He isn’t too “grown up” and is able to get in touch with his inner child.
  • Nice teeth
  • Level-headed – Because I’m not.
  • Not stubborn – I’m very stubborn, from experience, I know that two stubborn people don’t  mesh well.
  • He’s a beach person – I want to go on vacations with my future boyfriend, preferably to the beach.
  • He is not afraid of water/able to swim – Swimming is an important part of my life.
  • He doesn’t have long hair.
  • He is willing to try different styles/positions in bed, eg., romantic and slow VS rough and fast.
  • He likes me when he’s sober and vice versa – When I think back to all of the times that I met a man while I was drunk, it makes me shudder.
  • He’s patient, understanding, faithful, and smart.
  • He knows sex is a mutual activity and thus, tries to please me as well as himself.
  • He likes me whether I have small or large breasts – Currently, I am overweight and very large-chested.  The FWB likes my boobs, I know that when I lose weight, he won’t be interested anymore.
  • He wants a relationship!
  • He is into hand-holding – I think hand-holding can be so sexy.
  • He is tall – I’m 5’7½”, typically, men I date are around my height.  I want to date a man that I can look up to when I kiss him.  I want to feel protected.
  • Not metrosexual – is that still a thing?
  • He doesn’t take life too seriously
  • He is creative.
  • He is disease free.

Whew! I know the list is exhaustive and it makes me seem like I expect too much.  Let me just clarify that I don’t think a man should possess all of these qualities.  Now certain things are must haves, like politeness, similar sense of humor, desire for a relationship, etc.  Other characteristics are ideal but not required.  For example, I don’t expect my boyfriend to be flawless in the looks department.  I’ve been attracted to men because they are funny or sweet, and after spending time with him, I’ll start to notice little physical traits that turn me on.

Now that I’ve completed my list, I can say with confidence that I know what I am looking for in a man.  It’s the first step to actually finding him.

Stick With What Works

From the start of this blog, I’d always intended to strive for a healthy lifestyle.  If you’ve read some of my posts, you’ll see that I’ve often tried but failed.  This time, I’m hoping to stick with my choice.

Earlier today, I re-joined Weight Watchers.  I haven’t attended a meeting yet, I just signed up and paid for a monthly pass online.  I plan to go to my first meeting next week.  I’ve been a member of Weight Watchers several times in the past, and I’ve been on the email list.  This week I received an email offer from WW, I could get my first month of my membership for 50% off.  I figured it was a good deal, so I joined.

I’ve had a long history with WW.  My first experience was when I was a junior in high school.  I joined with my mother in the fall of that year and by the spring, I had lost about 35 pounds.  Of course, when I started, I didn’t weigh anything near what I weigh now.  In fact, I would be much happier if I now weighed 175.  That was my starting weight in high school.  I believe I lost about 35-40 pounds during that time.  My next WW experience came in the summer prior to my junior year of college.  Once again, I lost a significant amount of weight.

Since those two successful periods, I experienced a great deal of disappointment.  It wasn’t because WW didn’t work, it was because I didn’t do the work to lose the weight.  Weight Watchers does work, I’m proof of that .  The trick is sticking to it.

I have a co-worker who joined this August and she has already lost over 50 pounds!  She’s my inspiration.  She’s been working hard and it shows.  I’m envious whenever I hear someone ask her, “how much weight have you lost?”  I want to be that person. 

Next week, I’ll start my journey to a better, healthier life.  I’ll need all the encouragement I can get.  I hope to share my success with you!

Playing Games with the FWB

Today I’m going to be blunt, so if you’re not prepared for a little sex talk, then divert your eyes. Otherwise, I promise not to be too graphic.

Today, I confess to my readers that I have an FWB, a “Friend-with-Benefits”.  (Some might use the more vulgar term, “Fuck Buddy“.)  I’d call it a commensalistic symbiotic relationship.  He’s the one who benefits, I’m unaffected.  I don’t see him very much, our opposing schedules prevent that.  I did see him more about four years ago, when we started “sort-of dating”.

Flashback to 2009, we would hang out every weekend (of course, I had every weekend free at that time).  One day, after mediocre sex, he said something along the lines of “I don’t want a relationship”.  It upset me and I cried in front of him, like a clingy psycho.  We took a two-week break, then we started seeing each other again.  That was short-lived, as one night, I thought it was a good time to tell him over AIM (that’s AOL Instant Messenger), that he shouldn’t contact me anymore because he was using me.  The end?

No, about a year later, he contacted me through Facebook.  He sent me a message where he said he wanted to talk.  A few days after we started talking again, I visited him at his apartment and that is how our whole friends-with-benefits-who-mainly-sext-each-other relationship began.

So, flash-forward to the present.  We’ve been sexting for awhile, and as I’ve said, we rarely get to see each other.  Earlier this week we were texting and as usual, he asked when I could come visit.  I told him I could see him this weekend (ie. today).  This morning, I get a text from him that basically says, “I’m too busy, sorry”.  Mind you, I haven’t visited this guy in a year.  It pissed me off to the point that I am still pissed as I post this.

I hate being pissed about it though!  As I mentioned, I don’t benefit.  His idea of a good time is having sex with my boobs…Seriously…that’s what he’s into.  We text quite often and it’s always about “tit-fucking“.  In the past, I’ve said to him in a multitude of ways, “that does nothing for me.”  I’ve come up with three conclusions as to why nothing has changed: A) He didn’t hear me, B) He doesn’t get it, or, C) He ignores me.  I believe it is the latter.

The first time we fooled around, way back when I started seeing him in ’09, we made out for a bit and then moved on to boob-sex.  As you can imagine, he was completely de-clothed, I was topless.  I was thinking to myself, “here it comes, he’s going to put his hand in my jeans, rub me a bit, then reach into my panties and rub me some more.  He’ll put his fingers in me and make me feel good.  Maybe he’ll even put his mouth on me.”

Those things didn’t happen, however he did get up to procure a condom from his closet.  While he was doing that, I started to warm myself up, if you know what I mean.  He saw me doing that, got back onto the bed, and told me to roll the condom onto him.  I started to, and he moved away, saying something along the lines of “don’t touch it, you were just touching yourself”.  WHAT?!?!  I’d never been so insulted.

To this day, four years later, he still has not touched me there.  Today, I’m asking myself, “WTF????  Why am I so angry that he didn’t invite me over?  Why do I care if I see him again?”  He continues to text about how he wants to cum in my mouth or on my breasts.  But he never discusses pleasuring me.  Why do I put up with this shit?  The one thing I do enjoy about being with him is falling asleep next to him.  I like to imagine that he is my friend, the one who so innocently told me I was beautiful 9 years ago.  Sigh….

Now, here’s where my game-playing comes into the picture.  Next time he texts, I’m prepared to not text back.  It’s my immaturity rearing its ugly head.  I’ve found that one of the best tactics to infuriate someone is to ignore them.  Everyone hates the silent treatment and it feels so good to get a man pissed off and wondering what he’s done to deserve the cold shoulder.  Now imagine, Alex in “Fatal Attraction”.  YES! That’s the reaction I want!

One of the recommended links is “Mammary Intercourse”.  How absurd and hilarious!

Abandonment

I haven’t been abandoned-not literally-though I have abandoned this blog for nearly two weeks.  I intend to abandon the Challenge format.  Challenges just aren’t working out for me.  I think it’s that feeling like I have to go online and write about the current challenge.  It’s too constricting.  I have to work at my own pace.  Also, it seems that my posts that don’t follow any specific format seem to get more views.  So, in short, I’m abandoning challenges, and moving toward an “online journal” type of format.

I don’t intend to stop making changes in my life.  I will be making changes as I feel ready.  As of late, I’ve been feeling unmotivated to do much of anything.

The depression (or whatever it is) seems to be taking over.  On Tuesday, a co-worker said to me “get a life”.  It broke me.  I had to go to the cafeteria so that I wouldn’t raise my voice to her.  My little sojourn only caused me to become increasingly furious.  When I arrived back to my floor, I just broke down in a hysterical crying fit.  Whoever made up that “sticks and stones” phrase is an idiot.

Words hurt.  Especially for someone who already hates herself.  Every day my brain is overcome with negative thoughts about myself:

“I’m a loser with no friends”

“No one will ever love me”

“I’m invisible”

“I’m not worth it”

So when someone says something like “get a life”, it goes to heart.  The thing is, my intention is not to let everyone see what I see.  I don’t want people to think of me like I think of me.  So when someone says “get a life”, it’s incredibly painful.

Basically, since the incident, I’ve been retreating back into my impenetrable little world.  I zone out and ignore the conversation around me and I only speak when spoken to.  I don’t actively participate.  No one would care about what I have to say anyway.  No one tries to involve me.  In essence, I abandon them and they abandon me.

More than anything, I want to belong.  If someone knows how to get there, please, let me in on the secret.