A couple weeks ago, I wrote about re-joining Weight Watchers. I am proud to say that I went to my second meeting yesterday! (I didn’t write about my first meeting as there really wasn’t much to say about it.) If you’ve ever been to Weight Watchers, you know the drill. You show up, a volunteer weighs you in, you gather in a room and wait for the meeting to start. The meeting portion is run by a leader/member who has succeeded on the Weight Watchers program in the past. During the meeting, she’ll bring up a topic, and the more assertive members will discuss the topic, while everyone else listens. Meetings tend to be about 30 to 45 minutes long.
Anyway, I went to my second meeting yesterday. This means I’ve been on the program for one week. Typically, on my second weigh-in, I tend to lose a large amount of weight, for instance, 4 or 5 pounds. I lost two. Those two pounds ruined my entire day. At work, I was able to hold it in and when I finally got to my car, I just burst into tears. I had several crying fits on the ride home as well. I don’t believe my mood was affected by the two pounds. I think I feel this way because I’m just realizing how long this journey will take.
When I began my weight loss crusade, (last week), I weighed in at 237.8. This is actually less than what I weighed last July, which was 251 pounds. To give you an idea of how this weight is distributed, I am 5’7½” tall. I intend to post a current picture soon.
Eventually, I would like to weigh 120 pounds, It is so overwhelming to imagine how long it’ll take me to lose all that weight. The scariest thing for me is the thought that I will be 35 by the time I lose the weight and no one will want me. It’s making my eyes moist just thinking about it.
I’m still not at the point where I believe I’m worth it. If a man were to compliment me, then I might believe him. I can remember being in college and having female friends tell me “It doesn’t matter what I think, the only compliments that matter to you come from men.” That is still true to this day. I can’t believe I’m attractive or interesting unless a male peer tells me so.
Unfortunately, I don’t think someone will want to date me until I’ve lost 80 pounds. It is going to take forever to lose 80 pounds. It upsets me more than anything to think that I could spend another 2 years trying to lose the weight so that I can finally date.
I suppose I should be proud of myself for starting this journey. It’s a big step for me. I just can’t stop thinking of the time that I will spend being fat. More than anything, I want to hear compliments. I can’t spend my entire life hating myself.