Abandonment

I haven’t been abandoned-not literally-though I have abandoned this blog for nearly two weeks.  I intend to abandon the Challenge format.  Challenges just aren’t working out for me.  I think it’s that feeling like I have to go online and write about the current challenge.  It’s too constricting.  I have to work at my own pace.  Also, it seems that my posts that don’t follow any specific format seem to get more views.  So, in short, I’m abandoning challenges, and moving toward an “online journal” type of format.

I don’t intend to stop making changes in my life.  I will be making changes as I feel ready.  As of late, I’ve been feeling unmotivated to do much of anything.

The depression (or whatever it is) seems to be taking over.  On Tuesday, a co-worker said to me “get a life”.  It broke me.  I had to go to the cafeteria so that I wouldn’t raise my voice to her.  My little sojourn only caused me to become increasingly furious.  When I arrived back to my floor, I just broke down in a hysterical crying fit.  Whoever made up that “sticks and stones” phrase is an idiot.

Words hurt.  Especially for someone who already hates herself.  Every day my brain is overcome with negative thoughts about myself:

“I’m a loser with no friends”

“No one will ever love me”

“I’m invisible”

“I’m not worth it”

So when someone says something like “get a life”, it goes to heart.  The thing is, my intention is not to let everyone see what I see.  I don’t want people to think of me like I think of me.  So when someone says “get a life”, it’s incredibly painful.

Basically, since the incident, I’ve been retreating back into my impenetrable little world.  I zone out and ignore the conversation around me and I only speak when spoken to.  I don’t actively participate.  No one would care about what I have to say anyway.  No one tries to involve me.  In essence, I abandon them and they abandon me.

More than anything, I want to belong.  If someone knows how to get there, please, let me in on the secret.

 

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