Monthly Archives: April 2013

Good Things Come to Those Who Wait

Friday was weigh-in day.  I didn’t post that day like I usually do.  I’ve been pretty tired lately and I just completed a 6 day work stretch.  I haven’t felt much like writing.  Anyway, I weighed in on Friday and I was surprised and delighted to find out that I lost 2.8 pounds!

My total now is 12.9 pounds.  That includes the week that I joined Weight Watchers but was not actually following the program.  My current weight is 228.4 pounds!  Now, that may not sound great to you, but I haven’t been under 230 pounds since 2008.  Being under 230 is such an accomplishment!  I can’t wait to be under 220 pounds.

I achieved another milestone over this past week!  For the first time since I’ve started, co-workers commented on my weight loss.  Obviously, my hard work is becoming visible to others.  It’s visible to others, however, not to me.  I know I’ll soon start seeing the results.

 

Tell Me When This is Supposed to Make Me Feel Better

I just came back from “therapy”.  I’ve always imagined therapy to be an appointment in which the patient discusses her issues and the counselor listens and provides insight.  That is true.  However, I’d also believed therapy would be helpful (ie. therapeutic) and after the session, the patient would feel a bit better, lighter, having lost a great weight off her shoulders from talking about her issues and gaining the insight of the counselor.  If I judged it by the session I had this morning, I’d have to say that my second belief about therapy was a giant misconception.

I left today feeling more upset than I did when I went in.  I was looking forward to my session, I’ve been feeling really lousy lately.  I wanted to talk about my recent Facebook deactivation.  I needed reassurance that maybe Steve just didn’t get my message.  I didn’t get any reassurance.  I can’t quote my counselor verbatim, but his response was basically “Chalk it up to him not being into you and move on.”

I’ve read the book, “He’s Just Not That Into You”, and I must say that it was eye-opening and insightful.  I still have the book and perhaps I should read it again.  I think it’s imperative for a woman like myself, one with a history of failed relationships (or in my case, “un-relationships”),  whose self-confidence is destroyed because of her consistent failure with men, to read.  It needs to be understood by women like me.

However, having heard this from my counselor today, I don’t feel better or stronger or smarter.  I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut.  It hurts.  I really thought that maybe, for once, this guy (Steve) was into me.  Having heard it from my counselor, whom I shall now refer to as Dr. BadNews, I know it’s the truth.  I’ve been trying to avoid admitting it to myself, but I can’t anymore.  What used to be, isn’t anymore and I need to stop dwelling on it.  Deep down, I know I need to move on and meet someone who will love me as much as I love him.

That brings me to my other dilemma.  How do I meet someone I like?  I joined OKCupid and I put up a revealing picture of myself, one that was taken a year ago.  By revealing, I don’t mean that I was wearing lingerie.  (I’m sorry to give you that visual).  I mean that it was a picture that showed my face and body as they are now, unfortunately.  The picture showed me in all my fat glory.  I guess it makes more sense to be realistic than to put up a picture of myself from 8 years ago, when I was semi-approachable.

The pickings are slim though.  The men who emailed me, all three of them, do not do much for me.  Forgive me if you think I’m being a jerk, but one of the biggest turn-offs for me is a man who responds to my profile with an un-proofread email.  I can’t stand grammar, spelling, and punctuation errors.  It’s a huge tip-off to me that he isn’t intelligent.  But as I’ve said, there are slim pickings out there.

The only men who respond to me are probably doing so in desperation.  No one wants to date someone like me.  Do I settle?  Or do I keep looking for someone with whom a mutual attraction is shared?  I’m running out of time, part of me thinks I should just settle.  Whatever happens, I want to date someone soon so I can get Steve out of my mind.

Have you ever seen pictures of people trying to be “bad-ass”, in which they’re flipping the bird at the camera?  I’ve never been one of those people.  But I do keep seeing this image in my mind of myself flipping the double bird at the camera.  I want to post this as my Facebook profile pic if I lose those 120 pounds and end up with a wonderful man and move out of my parents’ house.  I want to caption it with, “This is to everyone who gave up on me.”

A Successful Day All Around

As you are aware, earlier today, I went to my Weight Watchers meeting.  I lost .4 pounds today.  I know, .4 pounds isn’t very good, but for someone who has had a “bad week” (I’m sure everyone who’s been on a diet knows what I’m talking about here), .4 pounds is a triumph.  Including the week that I was a WW member but I hadn’t attended a meeting, I’ve lost 10.4 pounds.  It’s exciting!  Also, I logged into my online medical record and discovered that I currently weigh 10 pounds less than I did one year ago!

This coming week, I’ve every intention of really putting my all into the WW plan.  Tracking is a necessity, as is having safe food around.  Over this past week, I had run out of food to bring to work and I had to buy food at my job.  I’m certain that it is part of the reason I did not do as well as I should have.  But, I’m glad to say that today I was off from work and was able to go on a grocery run to Target.  I feel so much better when I have healthy food in the house.

I’d also like to add that today, I rejoined Netflix.  I was bored this evening and was looking for something to watch.  As usual, there are hundreds of movies available On Demand, but nothing I want to watch.  After searching the internet for free places to watch movies (and being bombarded with malware as a result), I decided to suck it up and pay the $7.99/month for Netflix.  I’d had it before and enjoyed it, but I cancelled it because I really didn’t use it as often as I should have for the money I was paying.

Anyway, I rejoined tonight because I’ve been really interested in seeing “The Walking Dead”. I didn’t want to start watching the show during the middle of the third season (because that is all I could get for free On Demand), so I was excited to find out that the show streams on Netflix.  I’ve been hearing so much about this show for awhile now and I felt out of the loop.  Well, I’d like to just add that I’ve watched the first 3 episodes and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed it.  I can’t wait to see more! Very suspenseful!

In other news, the FWB hasn’t texted me in over a month.  I think he probably met a girl that he wants to pursue something long-term with.  I’m sort of neutral about the whole situation. On one hand, it does make me feel kind of bad that he never texted me for closure and I’m slightly jealous that someone likes him and no one is interested in me.  But on the other hand, I am glad to be free of feeling the need to sext him boob pics and dirty talk, knowing that he doesn’t really like me.  Plus, it’s not like I liked him that much.  I needed (and still need) someone to comfort me, but I don’t want to feel like a doormat.

Finally, I need to talk about the major events that took place since late Thursday night.  Though, first, I need to tell you that I am a resident of Massachusetts.  I don’t live anywhere near Boston, in fact, I live less than 10 minutes from Rhode Island.  If you know the state, you might have a good idea of my locale.

Let me tell you, today was a day filled with a multitude of emotions.  As you should be well aware, earlier this week, two bombs went off during the Boston Marathon.  Three people were killed and 176 were injured.  I have no idea how, but by Thursday evening, suspects had been identified in grainy security cam photographs.  I am shocked at how quickly the events panned out.

On Thursday night, approximately 10 PM Eastern time, a Massachusetts Institute of Technology police officer was shot and killed during a shoot-out with the suspects whose pictures were released just hours before.  A Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority officer was injured in the gunfire.  One of the suspects was killed in the shoot-out.

Friday morning, all news stations were covering the events and Boston area businesses and schools were on lock-down.  It was scary to see.  The pictures that were posted from Watertown (the area that law enforcement was most focused on) residents were truly shocking.  There were images of swat teams entering homes, snipers on roof-tops, military vehicles on the streets, and a deserted Boston.  I’ve never seen anything like it.  I live a good distance from there.  I can’t imagine how it must have been for residents.

There was good news by Friday night though.  Shortly after the news reported that the lock-down was lifted and the suspect had been lost, they reported that the suspect had been found alive but injured in a boat in one Watertown resident’s backyard.  The suspect was apprehended alive and brought to the hospital.

It was very exciting to see residents cheering on law enforcement when the arrest was announced.  Though I wasn’t there, I could feel the relief erupting from the people who had come to see the action.  So now, I’d like to publicly thank everyone who worked hard today to keep us safe.  I’ve never understood the magnitude of an event such as this until I’ve actually seen it happen so close to home.  I am proud to say that I live in Massachusetts and I am proud that so many people worked so tirelessly to get the job done.  Thank you for protecting us.  And finally, I’d like to leave my condolences for those who’ve lost someone in the tragic events that took place this week.  I’m going to end by sharing the picture that left the biggest impact on me today.

Long-Term Goals

Let’s talk long-term goals.  I’m not referring to goals I want to achieve in 5 years, I’m talking about goals I want to accomplish by December 31, 2013.  I have some goals in mind, like losing 10% of my starting weight and quitting smoking, but those goals do not have a time limit.

I have 3 major goals that I want to reach by the end of this year.  These may not seem that important to you, but to me, they are essential.  As you’ve probably read before, I need to be motivated.  And, as you’ve also probably read before, I’m quite depressed.  Lack of motivation and depression go hand-in-hand.  When you see those commercials for anti-depressants, take a closer look.  The drug companies aren’t lying.  Those commercials do give a very accurate picture of depression.  I feel that setting these long-term goals will be motivating for me.  For once, I’ll have a purpose.

Goal #1 – I intend to get back into the pool by the end of 2013.  

Way back in 4th and 5th grade, I was a competitive swimmer.  I have no idea why I gave it up.  Most likely, I quit because of the cost.  I belonged to a local, private swim club that was comprised not only of kids like me, but also a lot of snooty kids.  I believe it cost about $200 for the year and my middle-class parents couldn’t afford to send me anymore.

The pool was 25 yards long with 8 lanes and was housed at my high school.  I still remember the smell of the pool when I walked into the big, steamy room.  It smelled like chlorine of course, but not a strong, unpleasant bleach smell.  Anytime I walk into a pool room now, the smell brings me back and I long to be in it.

A lap pool feels like home to me.  Swimming was the one athletic activity that I was good at.  And from what I remember, I was really good.  My parents used to tell me that when they’d watch from the bleachers, people would comment to them about my performance.  I love feeling strong and able when I pull myself through the water.

Though I’m out of shape now, I still consider myself a swimmer.  I always will.  However, the last time I swam at the Y, I felt like a fool.  I couldn’t swim the whole way across without stopping and catching my breath.  I’m sure that is due to my being obese and the smoking.  Although my last attempt was so pitiful, I have every intention of getting back into the pool and I really hope to do that by the end of 2013.

Goal #2 – I will be a size 16 by the end of 2013

To most people, a size 16 wouldn’t be something to work towards.  To me, getting into a size 16 would be an accomplishment.  I’m currently a size 18/20.  Eighteen for some brands, twenty for others.  The last time I wore a size 16 was about 5 years ago.

There are a couple reasons why I picked this size.  First, I feel like it is a number that is attainable by the end of this year.  If I’d said a size 10, I know for certain that I would not be able to wear that size by December 31 of 2013.  Secondly, I feel that when I can fit into a size 16, it will finally start looking like I’ve lost weight.

Goal #3 – I will apply for college by the end of 2013

This is a huge goal for me.  I’ve known for quite some time that I need to go back to school.  I did get a Bachelor’s Degree in Elementary Education, however, I don’t like teaching.  It was a bad choice for me.  I’m so lost right now, I’m not quite sure what I want to do.  I’m terrified of making a mistake again and having nothing to show for it except student loan debt.

I’m leaning towards two very different career paths, either medical or finance.  I intend to make a decision soon and apply for college.  If I take classes, I feel like I will appear to be taking charge of my life.  It’s important for me to do well in life, but I also must admit that it is important to me to have others see that I’m not a screw-up.

That’s what I feel like right now, a big screw-up.  My counselor and co-workers keep telling me that people aren’t making fun of me about my status, but I can’t get that thought out of my head.  I hate telling people that I am a 31 year old living at home with her parents, with no relationship, no social life,  and no friends.  (Okay, I exaggerated a bit, I have some friends, but not many.)  I feel like I can’t meet new friends or a boyfriend, not only because I’m fat, but also because I am going nowhere.  I need to move on.  I think the way to do that is to go back to school and find a career that not only brings me enjoyment, but also financial security.

These are my three big goals for the end of 2013.  I sincerely hope to accomplish each and possibly bring a little happiness into my life.  Maybe 2013 will be my best year in a long time!

Dilemmas of a Drama Queen/The Downside of Facebook

antifacebookIf you spoke with me for five minutes, you’d surely come to the conclusion that I am a pessimist.  You’d be right in your assumption.  I rarely look up when I’m walking, I hardly ever smile, and I constantly say nasty things about myself, things I wouldn’t say to my worst enemy.  Some negative traits I feel I exemplify might be perceived as non-existent by others who’ve met me.  Though, I can tell you with 99% certainty, that most people would agree with me when I profess that I am a drama queen.

It’s one characteristic of my personality that I am not ashamed of, at least, not when the overly dramatic words come out of my mouth.  See, I tend to also not think before I speak and afterwards I feel kind of stupid.  You know, you immediately think to yourself “Oh my God!  Did I really just say that out loud?  People are going to think I’m so weird.” Nevertheless, I get over those worries fairly quickly and it leads to conversation about what is really bothering me.  It also leads to good advice and sympathy at times.

You’re probably wondering why I’m leading in with this long introduction about being a drama queen.  Well, I’ve been overly dramatic over the past few days.  It has a little bit to do with the boy again, so bear with me.  In my previous post, I’d talked about reaching out to someone who hasn’t spoken to me in a long time.  It was a big, scary step for me, but I managed to work up the confidence to message him on Facebook.  It may not seem like a big deal to you, but for someone who is scared of rejection and believes that everyone hates her, it was huge.

By Saturday afternoon, I still had not received a response.  All I wanted was a response.  See what I mean by dramatic?  I jump to conclusions all the time.

 It was a "Jump to Conclusions" mat. You see, it would be this mat that you would put on the floor... and would have different CONCLUSIONS written on it that you could JUMP TO. ~ Courtesy of "Office Space"

It was a “Jump to Conclusions” mat. You see, it would be this mat that you would put on the floor… and would have different CONCLUSIONS written on it that you could JUMP TO. ~ Courtesy of “Office Space”

It’s all in the nature of being a drama queen.  I probably should have waited at least a week, but no, I promptly wrote a message to my only two friends that might notice I was gone, (I’m not quite sure if that previous statement is overly dramatic or truthful.  I do believe that no one else on Facebook notices I’m alive).  Basically, I thanked them for caring when everyone else who used to care had given up on me.  I told them I was deactivating my account and that they could contact me on my phone if need be.  Next, I went through with my plan and temporarily closed my account.  I plan to get back on Facebook eventually, but right now, it’s just contributing to my depression.

It’s silly, but I take everything very literally.  Facebook, though fun and useful at times, can also be really discouraging.  I’ve mentioned before, how I feel like a loser because I’m not where I want to be.  Well, sometimes, Facebook can make me feel like an even bigger loser than I already am.

Sometimes, Facebook feels like high school.  There are popular kids, jocks, geeks, goths, weirdos, creeps, etc.  I enjoyed my last two years of high school because I gradually felt like I belonged, like I wasn’t an outcast, like people liked me.  At times though, Facebook feels like those first two years, when I felt invisible.  This is precisely the reason I deactivated my account.  I can’t read about people who used to like me, enjoying life without me.  It makes me feel like I never mattered to them.

Perhaps I did make a rash decision by deactivating my account.  It’s only temporary though, and I believe I will benefit in the short-term.  I can’t be sucked into this popularity contest anymore, wondering how many people will “like” the new post I wrote or picture I posted.  I’m not ready to see a guy who used to like me, all over a girl who isn’t me.  I’m sick and tired of watching the people on the chat list and hoping that someone special will send me a message.

For the time being, I feel pretty good.  I’m trying not to be overly dramatic, thinking of him, and wondering what I did to push him away.  I’m tired of crying about major events that former friends may or may not be lying about.  This is why I’m leaving Facebook for a month.

Success!

I went to Weight Watchers earlier today.  (There’s something you need to understand, I work late, I go to bed late, so the day isn’t officially over for me until I’ve slept for 8 hours.  Therefore, although the date is literally Saturday, it is still Friday to me.)  Actually, I had a very productive day.  I went to have some labs drawn, then I went to Weight Watchers, I did a little shopping, and when I got home, I laid down for my daily nap.  My nap was interrupted by my boss, she asked if I could work today.  I could use the overtime, so I agreed to work.  All in all, it wasn’t a bad day.  This is what I needed!  On Tuesday, I was in tears.  I don’t know why.  That’s how it goes with depression sometimes.  I needed to have a normal day, being so miserable really takes a lot out of me.

I’ve just rambled on for an entire paragraph, so now, let me get to the point.  Friday is weigh-in day.  I was not expecting the results I was presented with.  Last weekend, I went off the wagon.  I found a bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs and I succumbed to the temptation.  Those little pastel delights are my weakness.  All I have to say is, thank God Easter is over!  Anyway, after I went house on the remaining contents of that bag, I just skipped tracking for both Saturday and Sunday.  Terrible idea, right?  Well, the rest of the week I made up for it, and my eating behavior was perfect.  I tracked everything.  I used to just give up for the entire week after a binge, but I worked very hard to track every bite.

This brings me to today.  I went to my meeting and discovered that I lost 3 pounds!  After losing very little for the first two weeks, I was ecstatic to see that I’d dropped 3 pounds!  I got a 5 pound sticker!  It may seem minor to those who have never been involved with Weight Watchers, but it felt fantastic to me.  And you know what?  I’m still smiling right now as I type.  I’m getting results and soon, I’ll start seeing results.

And now, I’m going to give you a little update on a post I wrote a few days ago.  On Wednesday, I sent Steve a message on Facebook.  Of course, with my fear of seeming like a loser, I had to send the message when he was offline.  I didn’t know what I would say if he wrote back.  I sent him a file that I found when I was exploring my hard drive.  (I’m a geek, I like exploring my hard drive.)  It was a file that I think he sent to me awhile ago.  It was funny, so I figured I’d re-share it with him.

I still haven’t gotten a response.  No “thank you”, no “how are you?”, nothing.  It hurts, I can feel myself getting weepy as I type.  Now, he’s posted pictures of all the fun he’s having tonight.  I need to meet someone new quickly before I drive myself crazy.  I’m halfway there.

On a lighter note, I’ve been dreaming quite a bit lately.  I know, we always dream.  But lately, I’ve been remembering my dreams.  I think it’s the medication I started in January.  In the past, it was always very rare that I remembered a dream.  Now, it happens several times per week!  It’s kind of exciting to be conscious of my dreams.

Last night, I dreamed of my crush from middle school.  He would always pay attention to me in that teasing-middle-school-boy-crush way.  It was sweet.  Anyway, I dreamed of him as an adult.  It’s very odd, because I haven’t thought of him in a very long time.  We went to high school together, but he was in different classes, so it was rare to see him.

About six years ago, my former best friend saw him at a bar.  And according to her, he asked about me!  It still makes me feel good.

I apologize for writing such a tornado of a post.  Seriously, this post is like the aftermath of a twister.  So many random thoughts are spewing from my head.

On that note, I’m going to touch upon my original topic and say thank you to all of you who’ve given me so much support lately.  I don’t think I’d be continuing the plan if I hadn’t gotten so many motivational comments!

Weight Graph

Weight Graph

Some Advice Please!

I’m looking for a little relationship advice.  I’m not actually in a relationship.  It’s more “relationship-that-I-want-to-be-in” advice that I’m requesting.  I’m not going to go into my whole relationship history because it is boring and pathetic.  But I do want to talk about one guy in particular.

This man, I’ll call him “Steve”, has been my friend for years.  I met him when I was younger and weighed much less than I do now.  I don’t want to sound over-confident, but I knew when I was first introduced to him that he was interested in me.  He was really flirtatious.  We became friends and about five months later, I started to get interested in him too.  On the phone one night, he told me I was beautiful.  It was so sincere, there was no ulterior motive behind his words.

One night at a party, we kissed and that’s when our friendship started to evolve.  We went on a date with another couple.  Shortly after that, I met someone else (Andy) and started seeing him.  I didn’t bother to tell Steve though, as I thought it was just casual and I figured I’d date both men and figure out who I felt the strongest connection with.  You can imagine how that must have turned out.

A few weeks into seeing Andy, Steve found out.  When Steve’s friend, Cory, IMed me one night, he told me that he was upset that Steve and I didn’t work out.  Cory and Steve had talked and they agreed that they didn’t expect me to do something like that.  I felt terrible.  It turned out that Steve genuinely liked me and Andy was looking for someone to hook up with.

Eventually we did become friends again, but it’s always been a “unique” friendship.  There were a few times after the incident when we’d be drinking and we’d kiss and he would say such sweet things to me.  I always felt something when we kissed.  No one else ever made me feel like him.

We continued to talk all the time.  We were always IMing each other.   Even after we’d graduated college, we stayed in contact, which was not the case with the majority of my college friends.  I always felt very close to him and comfortable with him.  And I always wanted to date him again.

Over the past four years we’ve grown apart though.  I really, really miss him.  We’re “friends” on Facebook, but that’s where it ends.  We don’t talk on the phone, we don’t send messages,  we don’t hang out.  He’s moving forward, I’m stuck in neutral.  It hurts to think that he’s given up on me.  I never expected him to forget about me.  I can’t contact him, I’m too terrified of rejection and awkward silence.

This is where I need relationship advice.  Do I give up on him too?  Do I actually like him or am I just attracted to the fact that he’s the only person who ever really liked me?  Should I put myself out there and try to meet someone else?