I’d almost given up. I thought about it. I’ve been questioning my ability to lose weight and I’ve missed two weeks of Weight Watchers since I’d last written. For a little while, I had given up on this blog as well. There aren’t a lot of people interested in what I have to say and I don’t always see the results I had hoped for. But then I realized that I’m writing this blog for myself. The comments and followers and likes I get are just bonuses. I’m keeping this blog so that some day I can look back and see how far I’ve come.
Lately, I haven’t gotten very far. I’ve now lost a total of 14.7 pounds. I had really hoped to be 20 pounds lighter by this time. But during those weeks where I gave in to my cravings or just said “oh, what the hell?”, I didn’t progress. I’m proud to say that over the past week, I lost 1.2 pounds and feel that I am headed on the right track once again.
I’d like to see a decent weight loss by the end of the summer. I know that I will not be under 200 pounds by Labor Day, that’s just unrealistic. But, I do believe I can lose a total of 30 pounds by that time. I’m almost halfway there!
In other parts of my life, I haven’t improved much. I’m still hoping that he will contact me. I go on Facebook each night in anticipation of chatting with him. It doesn’t happen. I’m too afraid to say anything to him in fear that we will have nothing to say to each other. It’s like a dull ache that I try to ignore while living my life and then there are times where the pain just takes over and feels like a fresh punch to the gut.
I don’t know how anyone can care so much for someone but hate that someone so much at the same time. From experience, I’ve gathered that the people who can hurt me the most are the ones I care for the most. I just want so much to stop caring because it’s obvious that he could care less about me.
What I’m really afraid of, is not taking a chance with someone else because there’s still this hope deep inside, this hope that we will rectify our broken friendship and eventually, he’ll tell me I’m beautiful again. It’s such a contradiction to who I am. I think of myself as a cynic–the ultimate pessimist–but I still have this hope. I want the hope to go away so that I can just forget about him.