Today I weighed in. I gained 3.8 pounds. In one week. I feel gross. After my disappointing weigh-in, I immediately imagined my trip to Super Walmart post-meeting, and what kinds of junk food I could purchase to binge on. And earlier, I did just that. I binged on a pint of Ben & Jerry’s “Mint Chocolate Cookie”, homemade tacos, and Smooth and Minty Melty Mints (or whatever they’re called).
This is classic behavior for me. I put so much effort into my weight loss and then I get hungry or I feel deprived, and my effort all goes to shit. It’s why I’m fat. I was really off to a good start this time around. I’ve lost more weight than I have in 5 years and I was getting compliments and clothes were fitting better and I just gave up. Now, I’m back to having lost less than 20 pounds. It was so important for me to lose those first 20 pounds.
That’s why it is so crucial that for the rest of this week, I really stick to the plan and do my tracking and exercise, even if it kills me. And it is going to be tough. I’m very certain of this. I’m working tomorrow evening and after that, I have two weeks of freedom. When my life isn’t structured (ie. when I’m not working), it is so much easier for me to forget the big picture. I have no set schedule for anything, including dining. When I’m not working, I can reach into those cupboards whenever I feel like it and grab something that may not be the best choice.
I am so worried. I can’t give up. I’ve done it so many times in the past. I have all these dreams of what life will be like when I’m not an ogre. Of course, I really don’t know if anything I picture will come true, but I do believe that if I’m normal-sized, certain scenarios will be more likely to become reality. I like to imagine that when I’m normal, I’ll have more confidence, I’ll be able to have a relationship, I’ll be able to shop in the misses’ (or possibly, juniors’), department.
I’m 31, I’m running out of time to achieve my goals. I hope I can survive and thrive during this week.