“It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear,
When it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year” – The Rembrandts
Sharp people will notice that I’ve quoted the theme from Friends up there. Though I’ve never been a fan of Friends or its theme, I’ve always remembered this lyric. Sometimes it does feel like everything is against you. This is exactly how I’ve felt all September.
Let me back up. It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything so I’m going to try to get you up to speed. On August 30, I’d gotten to a total weight loss of 27.1 pounds! It felt fantastic! Shortly after, September began and my life seemed to fall apart.
My birthday took place in the first week of September. As you may know from past posts, I’ve been thinking a great deal about a guy-friend who I’ve known for years, who lately has just not been paying as much attention to me as before. I was really hoping that he’d surprise me and write on my Facebook wall for my birthday, but that didn’t happen. Needless to say, I was very disappointed for several days, it still bothers me, but I’m not thinking about it constantly.
During birthday week, I took the opportunity to eat what I wanted because I would be having cake anyway. And believe me, I took advantage of that! I ate tons of cookies, french fries, burgers, ice cream, cake, you name it. Because I treated myself, I skipped Weight Watchers that week. Not a bright idea, let me tell you. I continued my feeding frenzy into the second week of September and skipped out on Weight Watchers this past Friday. I continued to make poor eating choices over the weekend and I avoided tracking up until today. I did fine today. But eating all that junk definitely caught up with me. I weighed myself at work (a hospital, so we have pretty decent scales), and I’ve gained nearly 10 pounds! Ten freaking pounds! I’m proud to say though, that I plan to follow the plan and track for the rest of this week and finally attend a meeting on Friday.
Also around a week and a half ago, I started to question my faith. I’m Catholic, but I’m not religious. I haven’t been to church probably since I could drive, way back in 1998. I could drive myself and I had freedom so I chose not to go to church anymore. Truthfully, I found it boring and I didn’t feel as if I got much out of it. But I’ve always believed in God.
As I mentioned above, I work in a hospital. We get patients with general medical concerns, people who have fallen, who’ve had mental status changes, who need to detox, etc. But the main specialty of my unit is oncology so 95% of the time, cancer patients come to us. Because we are the only unit in the hospital that treats this demographic, we see certain patients frequently and we get to know these patients. I don’t know the patients very well as I’m not involved directly with patient care, however, I do recognize the names and have a general idea of their condition.
There is one patient in his 60s who was coming to our unit about every three weeks to receive chemotherapy. He was at the unit so frequently and everyone on the floor got to know him and like him. When he first came, around February I think, he did not have a great prognosis. He had always been active and in great shape for his age, but the chemo had wiped him out. He couldn’t go home because of his condition, so he’d cycle between our unit and a rehab hospital.
Soon though, changes began to happen and he could move around freely, he began to look healthy again, he was in good spirits. It was a miraculous change over several months! We stopped seeing him so often but we were kept abreast of his situation. Then, about a week and a half ago, I heard that he now has two months left to live.
It was shocking and devastating to me. As I said, I don’t really get to know many of the patients but this man seemed to be making such a miraculous recovery, that I was affected by the news too. This is where my faith comes in.
I’m not sure now how to feel about God. Should I continue to believe in Him? God is supposed to be this forgiving, loving, caring being, who watches over us. What kind of a God would give this man hope and then snatch that hope away from him? Why would God do that? I’ve been so angry and sad about this since I heard the news. Why bother to pray when this is what happens? Why put my faith in God? The idea that this God could make someone believe that he will be cancer-free and then snatch that hope away, it just sickens me. I’m not sure what to believe about God anymore. If there is a God, why would he be so cruel? I want to witness a miracle, I want to be proven wrong.