Monthly Archives: December 2013

Holiday Blues

What is it about the holidays that brings out the worst in me? I don’t know about you, but my constant black cloud is most prevalent during the holiday season. When December comes, I don’t get excited about Christmas anymore, I get excited about tax season (when I get a check worth about 3-4 times my weekly paycheck in one day!). Speaking of money, I am certain that part of my holiday blues stems from the fact that I didn’t get a Christmas bonus this year. Every year since I’ve been at this job, I got a bonus. So this new president fills the post and screws everyone over. Personally, if I took over a company right before Christmas, I’d make damn sure not to cause any disgruntled employees, I’m just saying. And don’t even tell me that there wasn’t enough in the budget. My facility makes mad cash. So yes, finding out today that there is no bonus coming was pretty upsetting. My company always talks about “employee appreciation”. Total BS!

Alright, now that I’ve ranted, I’m going to get serious. Lately, I’ve been pretty darn depressed, as you could most likely surmise by the title of this post. I’ve spoken of depression frequently, but right now, it is almost swallowing me up. I’ve been taking my medication. Hell, I’ve taken practically every medication; Paxil, Celexa, Zoloft, Buspar, Seroquel. I’m currently on Wellbutrin, Effexor, and Lamictal. I know that list doesn’t encompass every medication, there must be hundreds of psych meds (I work at a hospital, I see patients’ medication lists).

I see both a psychiatrist and a therapist. I’ll be seeing the therapist at the end of this month, he can’t prescribe meds, however. I won’t be seeing the psychiatrist until mid-February, unfortunately. I’m not looking forward to switching meds again. She’s mentioned Lithium several times in the past. I’m afraid that Lithium will be my next step. I also want to ask about Adderall or Ritalin, because I’m concerned that I may have attention deficit disorder. But I’m concerned that she will think I’m med-seeking. I’m sure you are all aware, those stimulants are often sold illegally for recreational purposes.

Lithium is a bit intimidating. I’ve read several articles in which it is considered the “gold standard” of mood stabilizers. However, there can be a great deal of side effects and it requires frequent lab monitoring. I believe that after the first dose, it is necessary to have levels drawn within 12 hours. There are several timed labs after that initial screening. I may consider giving it a try if I’m still in this pit when I see my psychiatrist.

Continuing on my discussion of depression, have you ever experienced it? If so, have you ever noticed how there are so many people who don’t get it? I’ll elaborate, people may say:

  • “You just want attention.”
  • “Why don’t you just be happy?”
  • “Be thankful for what you have.”
  • “You don’t need medication to be happy.”

It’s so frustrating! I want to explain to these people that being happy isn’t that simple; I am thankful for what I have, but those things I’m grateful for don’t take precedence in my thoughts at this moment; I’m sad and hurting inside, but I can’t put into words why I feel this way; and yes, I do want attention, I want a hug and I want someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay.

Buzzfeed is a website that caters to “generation y” IMO, (it also is a source I turn to to relieve my need to procrastinate). It touches upon pop culture, current events, nostalgia, issues, etc. It’s quite entertaining! The site often posts in an easy-to-read list format. Recently, there was a list that left a profound impact on me, 21 Comics That Capture The Frustrations of DepressionIt seems like an oxymoron, doesn’t it? “Comic” and “Depression”. But to me, these comics so accurately depict the mental illness. I cried while reading them. You might too, I’m just warning you. It is a very uplifting feeling though, to know that there are others who understand what I am experiencing. Please check it out.

Do I Have The Right to be Picky?

Greetings! I’ve been keeping up with Weight Watchers as much as I can, but I haven’t seen the results I’d hoped to see by this time. It’s okay though, I’ve no intention of quitting. I’m proud to say, I went last week and I am down to about 0.2 pounds more than I was at my lowest point this year (in August). I hope to be able to attend meetings more regularly as I’ve been using Friday mornings (WW meeting day) to take my weekly online quizzes for school. I have finals in a few days and then I can relax for a bit before starting again in January. Hopefully, during this period, I’ll also be able to work very hard at my goals.

If you’ve read my blog before, you know that I frequently discuss love and relationships and dating. I’ve recently been spending more time on okcupid.com.  Last weekend, I spent a good chunk of time speaking on the phone with a man from the site.  I spoke to him for probably 6 hours total on Saturday, on Sunday, I didn’t speak with him much, he was out with friends. On Monday, he texted me in the morning because he had fallen asleep and hadn’t spoken to me in awhile. I texted him when I was at work. He texted me when I got home from work and then he called me. And then, while speaking to him very early in the morning, Tuesday,  I realized, I’m really not into him. The conversation wasn’t flowing, we really didn’t have much to say to each other. And guess what? I’m okay with this.

It used to be that I would take offense when men would lose interest in me, but this time, it was fine. I realized that yes, we have stuff in common, but no, he doesn’t make me laugh. He also seemed to be very cynical, and considering that I’m cynical as well, it just wouldn’t work. I need someone to balance out my pessimism. It’s nice sometimes, to commiserate with someone, but other times, I want to be lifted. I want to talk to someone who hasn’t given up hope. Maybe I’m less of a pessimist than I’d originally thought?

But now I’m going to go right back to being a “Debbie Downer” and question my choices. As a fat woman, do I have the right to be picky about the men I talk to? I mean, for a girl like me, the pickings are slim. There are some men who say they like big girls, bbws, thick chicks, whatever. But from what I’ve experienced, the men who are attracted to women like me, aren’t very attractive to me.

I shouldn’t be so choosy about men. I’m a fat girl, I should be happy that any man is talking to me. I have no right to pick and choose what men deserve my time. But I can’t date someone who I’m not attracted to. I’ve done that before, I think it was because I just was sick of being single, and it sucked. So what, do I settle?

I’ve been searching for sites that answer questions or show pictures or tell stories about men who like full-figured women.  I’ve been trying to make myself feel better. I want to fall in love, and I want to know that it is possible for a man to fall in love with me. I still hope to lose weight, I just don’t want to wait until I’m average-sized to start dating. The loneliness is killing me…

Here are a few links to some of the sites I’ve found that give me a bit of hope:

http://www.themilitantbaker.com/2013/03/things-no-one-will-tell-fat-girls-so-i.html

http://fuckyeahfatchicksskinnyguys.tumblr.com/

http://askaguywholikesfatchicks.tumblr.com/

http://magiclistofguyswholikefatgirls.tumblr.com/

http://www.lardbiscuit.com/lard/truefa.html

http://thehairpin.com/2010/12/i-like-fat-chicks-questions

http://www.pinterest.com/mybabykatiepaw/big-girls-their-guys/