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Holiday Blues

What is it about the holidays that brings out the worst in me? I don’t know about you, but my constant black cloud is most prevalent during the holiday season. When December comes, I don’t get excited about Christmas anymore, I get excited about tax season (when I get a check worth about 3-4 times my weekly paycheck in one day!). Speaking of money, I am certain that part of my holiday blues stems from the fact that I didn’t get a Christmas bonus this year. Every year since I’ve been at this job, I got a bonus. So this new president fills the post and screws everyone over. Personally, if I took over a company right before Christmas, I’d make damn sure not to cause any disgruntled employees, I’m just saying. And don’t even tell me that there wasn’t enough in the budget. My facility makes mad cash. So yes, finding out today that there is no bonus coming was pretty upsetting. My company always talks about “employee appreciation”. Total BS!

Alright, now that I’ve ranted, I’m going to get serious. Lately, I’ve been pretty darn depressed, as you could most likely surmise by the title of this post. I’ve spoken of depression frequently, but right now, it is almost swallowing me up. I’ve been taking my medication. Hell, I’ve taken practically every medication; Paxil, Celexa, Zoloft, Buspar, Seroquel. I’m currently on Wellbutrin, Effexor, and Lamictal. I know that list doesn’t encompass every medication, there must be hundreds of psych meds (I work at a hospital, I see patients’ medication lists).

I see both a psychiatrist and a therapist. I’ll be seeing the therapist at the end of this month, he can’t prescribe meds, however. I won’t be seeing the psychiatrist until mid-February, unfortunately. I’m not looking forward to switching meds again. She’s mentioned Lithium several times in the past. I’m afraid that Lithium will be my next step. I also want to ask about Adderall or Ritalin, because I’m concerned that I may have attention deficit disorder. But I’m concerned that she will think I’m med-seeking. I’m sure you are all aware, those stimulants are often sold illegally for recreational purposes.

Lithium is a bit intimidating. I’ve read several articles in which it is considered the “gold standard” of mood stabilizers. However, there can be a great deal of side effects and it requires frequent lab monitoring. I believe that after the first dose, it is necessary to have levels drawn within 12 hours. There are several timed labs after that initial screening. I may consider giving it a try if I’m still in this pit when I see my psychiatrist.

Continuing on my discussion of depression, have you ever experienced it? If so, have you ever noticed how there are so many people who don’t get it? I’ll elaborate, people may say:

  • “You just want attention.”
  • “Why don’t you just be happy?”
  • “Be thankful for what you have.”
  • “You don’t need medication to be happy.”

It’s so frustrating! I want to explain to these people that being happy isn’t that simple; I am thankful for what I have, but those things I’m grateful for don’t take precedence in my thoughts at this moment; I’m sad and hurting inside, but I can’t put into words why I feel this way; and yes, I do want attention, I want a hug and I want someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay.

Buzzfeed is a website that caters to “generation y” IMO, (it also is a source I turn to to relieve my need to procrastinate). It touches upon pop culture, current events, nostalgia, issues, etc. It’s quite entertaining! The site often posts in an easy-to-read list format. Recently, there was a list that left a profound impact on me, 21 Comics That Capture The Frustrations of DepressionIt seems like an oxymoron, doesn’t it? “Comic” and “Depression”. But to me, these comics so accurately depict the mental illness. I cried while reading them. You might too, I’m just warning you. It is a very uplifting feeling though, to know that there are others who understand what I am experiencing. Please check it out.

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Do I Have The Right to be Picky?

Greetings! I’ve been keeping up with Weight Watchers as much as I can, but I haven’t seen the results I’d hoped to see by this time. It’s okay though, I’ve no intention of quitting. I’m proud to say, I went last week and I am down to about 0.2 pounds more than I was at my lowest point this year (in August). I hope to be able to attend meetings more regularly as I’ve been using Friday mornings (WW meeting day) to take my weekly online quizzes for school. I have finals in a few days and then I can relax for a bit before starting again in January. Hopefully, during this period, I’ll also be able to work very hard at my goals.

If you’ve read my blog before, you know that I frequently discuss love and relationships and dating. I’ve recently been spending more time on okcupid.com.  Last weekend, I spent a good chunk of time speaking on the phone with a man from the site.  I spoke to him for probably 6 hours total on Saturday, on Sunday, I didn’t speak with him much, he was out with friends. On Monday, he texted me in the morning because he had fallen asleep and hadn’t spoken to me in awhile. I texted him when I was at work. He texted me when I got home from work and then he called me. And then, while speaking to him very early in the morning, Tuesday,  I realized, I’m really not into him. The conversation wasn’t flowing, we really didn’t have much to say to each other. And guess what? I’m okay with this.

It used to be that I would take offense when men would lose interest in me, but this time, it was fine. I realized that yes, we have stuff in common, but no, he doesn’t make me laugh. He also seemed to be very cynical, and considering that I’m cynical as well, it just wouldn’t work. I need someone to balance out my pessimism. It’s nice sometimes, to commiserate with someone, but other times, I want to be lifted. I want to talk to someone who hasn’t given up hope. Maybe I’m less of a pessimist than I’d originally thought?

But now I’m going to go right back to being a “Debbie Downer” and question my choices. As a fat woman, do I have the right to be picky about the men I talk to? I mean, for a girl like me, the pickings are slim. There are some men who say they like big girls, bbws, thick chicks, whatever. But from what I’ve experienced, the men who are attracted to women like me, aren’t very attractive to me.

I shouldn’t be so choosy about men. I’m a fat girl, I should be happy that any man is talking to me. I have no right to pick and choose what men deserve my time. But I can’t date someone who I’m not attracted to. I’ve done that before, I think it was because I just was sick of being single, and it sucked. So what, do I settle?

I’ve been searching for sites that answer questions or show pictures or tell stories about men who like full-figured women.  I’ve been trying to make myself feel better. I want to fall in love, and I want to know that it is possible for a man to fall in love with me. I still hope to lose weight, I just don’t want to wait until I’m average-sized to start dating. The loneliness is killing me…

Here are a few links to some of the sites I’ve found that give me a bit of hope:

http://www.themilitantbaker.com/2013/03/things-no-one-will-tell-fat-girls-so-i.html

http://fuckyeahfatchicksskinnyguys.tumblr.com/

http://askaguywholikesfatchicks.tumblr.com/

http://magiclistofguyswholikefatgirls.tumblr.com/

http://www.lardbiscuit.com/lard/truefa.html

http://thehairpin.com/2010/12/i-like-fat-chicks-questions

http://www.pinterest.com/mybabykatiepaw/big-girls-their-guys/

Overreacting?

bff

Awhile back, I wrote about how September was an awful month.  I realized recently that I didn’t write about the event that really ruined September for me.  It’s two months later, and it’s still bothering me so I figured I’d ask for some advice.

Throughout the majority of my life, I’d been friends with Molly.  We became friends when she was 6 and I was 7.  Up until our early twenties, she lived across the street from me.  We went to elementary, middle, and high school together.  We became especially close during the last two years of high school and we stayed that way throughout most of college.  We rode in the same limo to prom, we drove to school together before she got a car, we went clubbing together for the first time, we had our lockers next to each other, etc.  Circa eighth grade, we swore that we’d tell each other first when we lost our virginity and that we’d be each other’s maid of honor.  I felt important hanging out with her, she had greater “status” than me.  We considered ourselves, “best friends”.  To this day, many of my fondest memories involve some sort of escapade  with Molly.

Like most friendships, there were occasional setbacks.  In the beginning of eighth grade, we didn’t speak for about a month and I hated her.  The summer before our junior year of college, we had a falling out, I think it had to do with some of our non-mutual friends.  I told her I didn’t like her other friends for some reason.  We didn’t speak for five months this time around.  I hated her then too.  Both times, I believe she was the one to break the silence.  I’m a grudge-holder, and I refuse to apologize if I feel that my argument is justified.

After our issues, we rekindled our friendship.  We continued to confide in each other, we talked about our boy-dilemmas (mine was with Steve, even back then!), our school friends, our gripes with the world, everything.  I remember one New Year’s Eve, we went to this bar that we knew served under-age drinkers. We each danced with a guy, mine sang Usher to me (U Got it Bad), her “date” ate a bunch of olives and tried to kiss her.  We made fun of that night for years.  But I digress…The point is, we shared all of those things that make a pair of best friends.  (Which reminds me, do guys have best friends?)

The turning point came when I moved down south at 26.  It was December, I was planning to return home for Christmas.  She lived in the city where the local airport was located and she offered to pick me up and let me stay at her apartment.  She was going to go to her parents’ house the next day, so she agreed to drive me home.  It was a great arrangement.

Everything was going great.  She picked me up at the airport as she said she would.  We went to her place, I made fun of her parking saver (as we’d always tease each other, sarcastically), we made plans to go out to a bar, but she fell asleep. We decided we were both tired and we wouldn’t go out that night.

Later on, while she was resting, she got a phone call.  The guy that she had been seeing for a few months, had come home from Seattle.  I’m sure you know where this is going.  So she was too “tired” to hang out with me, but shockingly, she was full of energy when Matt called her.  This led to my dislike of my best friend.  The next day, as she drove me home, I was steaming and I realized all of her negative traits I’d overlooked for all those years.  It now bothered me that she was selfish and a snob.  I’m not even sure if I thought that earlier, but I definitely felt that way now.  Our friendship became strained, we didn’t talk on the phone much anymore, and in September of the following year, we corresponded via email for the last time.  I saw her about one year and a half later, but that was only because our mutual friend, Amy, wanted to see us both at Christmastime.

Now, after this long-winded post, I come to the point…This past September, on a Friday when I was getting ready for work, there were about twenty cars parked on my street.  They were all at Molly’s house, as I could see that there were a lot of cars parked in her driveway as well.  I didn’t think much of it.  The next day, a rare Saturday off from work, I noticed that there was still a great deal of cars parked at her parents’ house.  So I googled her name.

Imagine my surprise, when I find out that she is getting married (to that guy who lived in Seattle), on this day.  I flew into a rage (I’m not exaggerating, I was literally screaming and throwing things, and slamming doors.)    Yes, I admit that part of my anger stemmed from jealousy, but the majority of my anger was a result of being slighted.

Though at the time, we hadn’t been talking for about 5 years, we still had that twenty year history.  We had known each other for over twenty years; at one point, we thought of each other as a best friend.  I was so hurt.  There were a million emotions going through me when I discovered what was happening; hatred, jealousy, stress, sadness, anger, vengeance, etc.  I had no positive feelings towards her.  I even wrote a letter that I had planned to send, but I never did.  In the letter, I told her about how much I despised her, how hurt I felt, how she was never a real friend.  I am most proud about the end of my letter, when I wrote “I am not going to wish you a long and happy life together.  Instead, I wish for a short marriage ending in a long divorce which leaves you penniless.”  That is how much it stung.  As you can probably tell, I’m still bothered by it.

I talked to my coworkers about the events.  I wanted their opinions.  I was surprised to find out that they thought I was nuts for getting so upset about it.  My argument is that we’ve known each other for twenty-plus years, we were super-close for years, I think she should have at least emailed or sent me a letter about an event such as this.  As I mentioned earlier, we had once planned on serving as maid-of-honor to one another.  My coworkers unanimously agreed that I was overreacting.  What is your opinion on the issue?

My Latest Obsession

Sometimes, there is a song you hear or perhaps a movie you see, and you can’t get it out of your head.  It took me so long to discover it, I would hear bits and pieces and then change the channel.  One day, I just stopped to listen and now I can’t get enough of this song.  I’m currently in love with The Neighborhood’s “Sweater Weather”.  Seriously, I’m in love.  At this very moment, I’m listening to it on repeat, trying to get it into my top 25 on iTunes.

I know I’m behind the times, this song has been out for awhile as far as I can tell.  I can’t believe I ignored it when it first came out. (I did the same thing with “Wonderwall”, can you believe it?)  If you haven’t heard it, google it and watch the video, I’ll wait…If you’d rather not listen to it, check out the lyrics courtesy of metrolyrics.com:

All I am is a man
I want the world in my hands
I hate the beach
But I stand in California
With my toes in the sand

Use the sleeves of my sweater
Let’s have an adventure
Head in the clouds but my gravity’s centered
Touch my neck and I’ll touch yours
You in those little high waisted shorts, oh

She knows what I think about
And what I think about
One love, two mouths
One love, one house
No shirt, no blouse
Just us, you find out
Nothing that we don’t wanna tell you about, no

‘Cause it’s too cold
For you here right now
So let me hold
Both your hands in the holes of my sweater

And if I may just take your breath away
I don’t mind if it’s not much to say
Sometimes the silence guides our minds to
Move to a place so far away

The goose bumps start to raise
The minute that my left hand meets your waist
And then I watch your face
Put my finger on your tongue
‘Cause you love the taste yeah

These hearts adore
Everyone the other beats hardest for
Inside this place is warm
Outside it starts to pour

Coming down
One love, two mouths
One love, one house
No shirt, no blouse
Just us, you find out
Nothing that I wouldn’t wanna tell you about, no, no, no

‘Cause it’s too cold
For you here right now
So let me hold
Both your hands in the holes of my sweater

‘Cause it’s too cold
For you here and now
So let me hold
Both your hands in the holes of my sweater

Whoa, whoa…

Whoa, whoa, whoa…

Whoa, whoa, whoa…

Whoa, whoa, whoa…

Whoa, whoa, whoa…

Whoa, whoa…

‘Cause it’s too cold
For you here right now
So let me hold
Both your hands in the holes of my sweater

It’s too cold
For you here right now
Let me hold
Both your hands in the holes of my sweater

And it’s too cold,
It’s too cold,
The holes of my sweater…

Read more: The Neighbourhood – Sweater Weather Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love the background music of this song, but what really gets me, are the lyrics.  If you browse about this song, a lot of people believe this song is about weed. It could totally be about weed, I didn’t write it, I don’t know exactly what it’s about.  But I choose to interpret this song as a tale of falling in love.  Sigh…I’m a hopeless romantic.

Every time I hear this song, I imagine some beautiful beginning for some couple. The lyrics make me melt, they drive me crazy, they make me cry.  The lyrics strike a chord with me.  As I’ve said, I know nothing about the lyrics, I can’t take credit for them.  I know even less about falling in love.  However, I imagine that falling in love must be like this song.

I like to think it’s about becoming close with a person, getting to know someone so well that you can sense what they are thinking.  I think it’s about intense, intimate, powerful sex, (I’ve never been there, either).  I think it’s about realizing that you could see yourself committing to this person for life.  I think it’s about giving in to your feelings.  It makes me hopeful that I will fall in love someday.  Give it a listen, let me know what you think.

 

The Downside of Facebook

It is a huge weight off my shoulders to be off of Facebook for the time being. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried it, but it really makes a difference, especially if you are like me. You see, I tend to be quite dramatic.  Deep down, I know that most people on Facebook only post statuses about the positive events in their lives. I know that there is so much that goes unsaid on Facebook.  However, I can’t help but stress out about those positive life events of others. I can’t help but feel inadequate.

There are actually two things that led to my most recent Facebook sabbatical.  Number one is no surprise: Steve.  It just hurts so much to get my hopes up that he will talk to me.  I’ll be online for 3 hours and it will show that he is available for chat, yet he never contacts me, never. Years ago, we’d always find a way to talk. This is going back to the time that IMing was popular. Remember AOL Instant Messenger? Anyway, we used to “talk” once a week, at least. I miss him so much, but he won’t even notice that I’m gone.

There is a second reason that I gave Facebook a break.  My friend, Katie, posted that she moved into her own apartment.  This is very distressing to me.  For the longest time, Katie was as pathetic as I am.  She lived at home with her parents, was making minimum wage, and she was single.  It’s hard to be the only one of my former group who still lives at home with her parents.  I’m always stressing about people judging me.  People tell me that it doesn’t matter, but I don’t believe them.

I’m sure everyone who knows about my situation must think I’m a total loser.  I have no other way to describe myself.  I am headed in the right direction, but its so difficult to envision the future. I keep living in the past.  This reminds me of something I saw recently on Tumblr.

This is so true, yet so hard to live by. I’m trying to work on this.

 

 

I’m back, for a little while anyway. I’ve had every intention to write for quite some time and I’ve just never gotten around to it. For once, I have a little extra time and I’m going to take that time to do something I’ve missed.

I have been busy. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been back in school. I’m taking two online math courses from a community college in anticipation of going to grad school. You know what? It feels great to be exercising my brain once again! For me, it is very rewarding to come up with a solution to a math problem. I realize now, that I am a nerd, but I take great pride in that. Though I still feel lost, I feel like I’m slowly but surely discovering what I want to do in life, as well as, who I am. The pieces of the puzzle are coming together. Maybe I’m entering my second puberty?

Like puberty, there are setbacks in my life. In my last rambling post, I talked about how my weight hasn’t been changing. This is still true. I am not gaining, but not losing either. It’s not realistic anymore to think I will reach a 40 pound total weight loss by the end of 2013. I do have hope though, that I will surpass this rough spot, somehow. I really want to go to the Y, but I am so afraid of how I will be received, that it keeps me from getting there. It’s an irrational fear, I know. I’ve always had this hang-up about going to a gym. What if people point and laugh at me? I hope that very soon, I can walk in there and work out and be happy with myself.

My love life still sucks. I temporarily deactivated my okcupid account because I cannot get over Steve. I’ve also deactivated Facebook for the same reason. I want him to talk to me, but he won’t and I can’t deal. I can’t sit there, staring at my Facebook chat, and hoping for him to say “hello”. All I can hope for is to lose weight and be hot and put up a new picture of myself with someone fantastic so that I can make him jealous. Maybe he’ll remember me then? Anyway, until I’m healthier mentally, I can’t be faced with him, I can’t have any reminders of him. Someday I will be stronger and able to cope. I’m working on it, I really am.

 

 

 

Where Did I Go Wrong?

I haven’t been taking care of myself.  I’ve been lingering around the same weight for about 3 months now.  I’ve pretty much given up.  One week I’ll be working really hard to eat right and track my food and the next week, I’ll eat everything that looks good to me.  I’m not sure how to get back on track.  By now, I should be at least 40 pounds slimmer.  I’ve lost about 25 total. I’m sure that everyone who once said I looked good must now be thinking that I’m a failure, which is exactly how I see myself.

Where do I go from here?  How do I get back on track?  I wish that something could go right in my life.  I want to be beautiful and wanted.  I’m so damaged and I don’t know if I can put myself back together.  With each day that passes, I get further and further away from my goals.  Some days, I feel like just giving up all together.

It’s hard to live without friends, without someone I can turn to.  I need to talk to someone, but I’m not sure where I’ll find that someone.  I’m just taking up space in this world.  I’m not contributing anything meaningful.