Tag Archives: Am I normal?

Hi, I’m Cee and I’m Obsessive Compulsive (Sort Of)

Do you ever self-diagnose some disease or disorder?  I’m sure mostly everyone does it, considering that technology plays such a significant role in our lives.  I mean, one can just go on WebMD and click on a model of the human body to select one’s symptoms.  It’s creating a generation of hypochondriacs!

I’m not immune to it.  (He-He, see what I did there?!)  I’ve noticed most recently that I’ve become excessively obsessive about things.  Not everything, just certain things.  For instance, at work, I sit at a desk.  But it isn’t my desk.  Someone else uses the desk prior to me.  Each day when my shift starts, I set up everything to my liking.  My folder goes to the right of me, my pen case goes to the left, my papers that I accrue throughout the night go into the folder, and my radio is set up directly in front.  I also have to do my tasks in the same order each day or it puts me off my game.

My quirks just continue at home.  Approximately two years ago, I discovered Microsoft’s Excel.  I fell in love with it!  What a fantastic program for a number and data lover such as myself!  I’m constantly coming up with a new spreadsheet idea.  Seriously.  I have spreadsheets for gas mileage, spending, weight loss, etc.  I just love the fact that I can input some formula into a cell and it will do the calculating for me.  The program never fails to amaze me.

I don’t really have OCD, it’s a serious disorder for people who legitimately suffer from it.  I just don’t know when I became so anal!  I don’t remember growing up like this.  It seems to have developed as I’ve gotten older.  I now notice certain patterns throughout my day.

For instance, my whole day is a pattern.  I don’t like to break the pattern or it screws me up.  I get up, eat breakfast, watch TV, take a nap, go to work, work, go home, and finally, go online before going to bed at 3:00.  Perhaps it’s being a Virgo that has affected me.  We are known to be orderly perfectionists.  Whatever it is, I have to admit, it has given me some purpose in life.

Do you ever self-diagnose?

Finance2

Abandonment

I haven’t been abandoned-not literally-though I have abandoned this blog for nearly two weeks.  I intend to abandon the Challenge format.  Challenges just aren’t working out for me.  I think it’s that feeling like I have to go online and write about the current challenge.  It’s too constricting.  I have to work at my own pace.  Also, it seems that my posts that don’t follow any specific format seem to get more views.  So, in short, I’m abandoning challenges, and moving toward an “online journal” type of format.

I don’t intend to stop making changes in my life.  I will be making changes as I feel ready.  As of late, I’ve been feeling unmotivated to do much of anything.

The depression (or whatever it is) seems to be taking over.  On Tuesday, a co-worker said to me “get a life”.  It broke me.  I had to go to the cafeteria so that I wouldn’t raise my voice to her.  My little sojourn only caused me to become increasingly furious.  When I arrived back to my floor, I just broke down in a hysterical crying fit.  Whoever made up that “sticks and stones” phrase is an idiot.

Words hurt.  Especially for someone who already hates herself.  Every day my brain is overcome with negative thoughts about myself:

“I’m a loser with no friends”

“No one will ever love me”

“I’m invisible”

“I’m not worth it”

So when someone says something like “get a life”, it goes to heart.  The thing is, my intention is not to let everyone see what I see.  I don’t want people to think of me like I think of me.  So when someone says “get a life”, it’s incredibly painful.

Basically, since the incident, I’ve been retreating back into my impenetrable little world.  I zone out and ignore the conversation around me and I only speak when spoken to.  I don’t actively participate.  No one would care about what I have to say anyway.  No one tries to involve me.  In essence, I abandon them and they abandon me.

More than anything, I want to belong.  If someone knows how to get there, please, let me in on the secret.

 

Children?

Newborn

Newborn (Photo credit: juliecampbell)

I’m going off-topic today because frankly, my current challenge is lame and boring. I haven’t gossiped and I really don’t feel any different.  I’m sure it’s good for my soul.

Today I went on Facebook and found out that one of my friends from college (who I don’t speak with much anymore) has just had a baby.  The thing is, I could never, ever picture this girl as a mother.  Not that she will make a bad mother, it’s just that in college, we partied together, stayed up late together, got drunk and smoked together, etc.  I know that people grow up and have different priorities but when am I going to grow up?

I don’t particularly want to grow up.  I’m 31 and I have no desire to have children anytime soon.  I may want children one day and hopefully, I’ll be able to have them if I do want that life.  Right now, I still want to party and go to bars and meet new people and stay out late.  I feel like I will have no friends left if everyone continues to have babies.  What can I do with a friend who has kids?  Does your social life end when you have a child?

It’s all very confusing to me.  Is it wrong of me to not want children?  One time, I said to my therapist that I didn’t want children and he was shocked.  I could have told him I had homicidal tendencies and his reaction would have been tamer.

I feel that part of the reason I don’t want children is because I’ve missed out on a lot of milestones that most people have experienced.  I’ve never been in love.  I live with my parents.  I don’t enjoy time with friends nearly as often as I should.  I keep hoping that these experiences will happen and that I won’t die a recluse.  I wonder if I ever do find a man to love me, will I know how to act in a relationship?  Is it too late?

I guess my big question is: Is there life after having children?