Tag Archives: Body image

Do I Have The Right to be Picky?

Greetings! I’ve been keeping up with Weight Watchers as much as I can, but I haven’t seen the results I’d hoped to see by this time. It’s okay though, I’ve no intention of quitting. I’m proud to say, I went last week and I am down to about 0.2 pounds more than I was at my lowest point this year (in August). I hope to be able to attend meetings more regularly as I’ve been using Friday mornings (WW meeting day) to take my weekly online quizzes for school. I have finals in a few days and then I can relax for a bit before starting again in January. Hopefully, during this period, I’ll also be able to work very hard at my goals.

If you’ve read my blog before, you know that I frequently discuss love and relationships and dating. I’ve recently been spending more time on okcupid.com.  Last weekend, I spent a good chunk of time speaking on the phone with a man from the site.  I spoke to him for probably 6 hours total on Saturday, on Sunday, I didn’t speak with him much, he was out with friends. On Monday, he texted me in the morning because he had fallen asleep and hadn’t spoken to me in awhile. I texted him when I was at work. He texted me when I got home from work and then he called me. And then, while speaking to him very early in the morning, Tuesday,  I realized, I’m really not into him. The conversation wasn’t flowing, we really didn’t have much to say to each other. And guess what? I’m okay with this.

It used to be that I would take offense when men would lose interest in me, but this time, it was fine. I realized that yes, we have stuff in common, but no, he doesn’t make me laugh. He also seemed to be very cynical, and considering that I’m cynical as well, it just wouldn’t work. I need someone to balance out my pessimism. It’s nice sometimes, to commiserate with someone, but other times, I want to be lifted. I want to talk to someone who hasn’t given up hope. Maybe I’m less of a pessimist than I’d originally thought?

But now I’m going to go right back to being a “Debbie Downer” and question my choices. As a fat woman, do I have the right to be picky about the men I talk to? I mean, for a girl like me, the pickings are slim. There are some men who say they like big girls, bbws, thick chicks, whatever. But from what I’ve experienced, the men who are attracted to women like me, aren’t very attractive to me.

I shouldn’t be so choosy about men. I’m a fat girl, I should be happy that any man is talking to me. I have no right to pick and choose what men deserve my time. But I can’t date someone who I’m not attracted to. I’ve done that before, I think it was because I just was sick of being single, and it sucked. So what, do I settle?

I’ve been searching for sites that answer questions or show pictures or tell stories about men who like full-figured women.  I’ve been trying to make myself feel better. I want to fall in love, and I want to know that it is possible for a man to fall in love with me. I still hope to lose weight, I just don’t want to wait until I’m average-sized to start dating. The loneliness is killing me…

Here are a few links to some of the sites I’ve found that give me a bit of hope:









I Am So Disappointed in Myself

Guess what I realized today?  You know in cartoons, when a character has a light bulb illuminate over his/her head?  Well, today it came to me.  I don’t need to lump all of my ideas from one day into one post.  It is possible, and makes more sense, to separate posts by topic. Whoa!  My mind is blown!

On to the topic at hand.  I have a confession to make: I’m shallow.  I had always thought of myself as open-minded. A little over one week ago, I realized that that is not the case.  Against my better judgement (I intend to use that phrase frequently and from now on, will abbreviate it as AMBJ), I have been visiting a couple of free dating sites.  I got a notification on my phone last Friday that someone had written to me, and I was surprised to see that he was a good-looking guy with a great body!  Guys like that never message me!

After seeing him on the mobile app, I decided to go to the full site and check out his message.  He had several punctuation and spelling mistakes (a big no-no for me), but AMBJ, I decided, “Oh, what the Hell? He’s cute”, and so, I responded to him.  Thus, I am a shallow, shallow person.

You see, I would never tolerate English language abuse from anyone mediocre, but because this man was attractive and built, I figured, these traits will make up for his grammatical issues.  Lo and behold, it wasn’t just grammar issues that plagued this man,  but I’ll discuss that experience later.  This article I read, especially point number four, really sums it up.

One point that the article makes, is that online dating prevents you from actually being able to interact with someone face-to-face, and maybe get to know him/her before passing judgement.  The sad truth is, at least when it comes to online dating, looks do matter.

For instance, I will not look at a profile without a picture.  I can remember, probably in the early 2000s,  when online dating sites had the option to send in a photograph to the company and the site would scan and post your photo to your profile.  With so many technological advantages occurring within this young century, surely, an online dater can figure out a way to post a picture of himself to his profile.  There is no excuse for a person not to have a picture.  So it always makes me wonder, if he doesn’t have a picture posted, what is he hiding?

It’s awful to think like that, but truthfully, I’m left wondering why.  Is he severely disfigured? Is his picture a mugshot? Is he underage?  Looks matter, physical appearance is the first thing one sees when scoping out a partner.  Unfortunately, looks don’t indicate a man’s trustworthiness, sense of humor, intelligence, and all of those characteristics that add to a man’s appeal.  It’s a shame that we can’t see those traits immediately when browsing for a date online.  I guess I need to look deeper.



This Upcoming Week Is Critical to My Success

Today I weighed in.  I gained 3.8 pounds.  In one week.  I feel gross.  After my disappointing weigh-in, I immediately imagined my trip to Super Walmart post-meeting, and what kinds of junk food I could purchase to binge on.  And earlier, I did just that.  I binged on a pint of Ben & Jerry’s “Mint Chocolate Cookie”, homemade tacos, and Smooth and Minty Melty Mints (or whatever they’re called).

The fact that they’re pastel makes them taste even more delicious!

This is classic behavior for me.  I put so much effort into my weight loss and then I get hungry or I feel deprived, and my effort all goes to shit.  It’s why I’m fat.  I was really off to a good start this time around.  I’ve lost more weight than I have in 5 years and I was getting compliments and clothes were fitting better and I just gave up.  Now, I’m back to having lost less than 20 pounds.  It was so important for me to lose those first 20 pounds.

That’s why it is so crucial that for the rest of this week, I really stick to the plan and do my tracking and exercise, even if it kills me.  And it is going to be tough.  I’m very certain of this.  I’m working tomorrow evening and after that, I have two weeks of freedom.  When my life isn’t structured (ie. when I’m not working), it is so much easier for me to forget the big picture.  I have no set schedule for anything, including dining.  When I’m not working, I can reach into those cupboards whenever I feel like it and grab something that may not be the best choice.

I am so worried.  I can’t give up.  I’ve done it so many times in the past.  I have all these dreams of what life will be like when I’m not an ogre.  Of course, I really don’t know if anything I picture will come true, but I do believe that if I’m normal-sized, certain scenarios will be more likely to become reality.  I like to imagine that when I’m normal, I’ll have more confidence, I’ll be able to have a relationship, I’ll be able to shop in the misses’ (or possibly, juniors’), department.

I’m 31, I’m running out of time to achieve my goals.  I hope I can survive and thrive during this week.



More Praise for Blogilates!

If you’ve read some recent posts of mine, you may have noticed that I’ve mentioned Blogilates a few times.  I really cannot say enough about this website.  Cassey Ho, the young woman who runs this blog seems to really care about her followers.  I’ll admit, the first minute I caught of a Pop Pilates video turned me off. You see, Cassey, is ultra-enthusiastic and super-perky.  For a chronic pessimist such as myself, it seemed a bit much.  But, after visiting her website and actually watching some of her videos, I’ve really grown to like her.

In fact, I realized that I am probably a bit jealous of this woman. I envy her determination and her seemingly non-stop positive attitude! It’s obvious that she is very dedicated to her readers and really wants others to live healthy and to gain confidence.  Today, while perusing her blog, I found this post and I actually started to cry.  Since fifth grade, when I first noticed that I was overweight, I’ve thought of myself as less of a person.  It’s distressing to think that now,  girls in elementary school believe the same thing about themselves.

I’m sharing this post with you because if you are like me, you probably need a pick-me-up, a bit of encouragement, once in awhile.

I’ve completed week 2 on the plan!

Friday is weigh-in day.  I was very much looking forward to this day because I felt so good about my performance this past week.  I got to Weight Watchers today and I discovered I lost 1.2 pounds.  It didn’t make me very happy.

I know I should be satisfied with that result.  After all, I could have gained weight.  But I just expected a bigger loss.  It could have a bit to do with Easter being this week.  It may be related to PMS.  It also might be related to a medication that I am on that can cause weight gain (and also constipation).  Whatever the cause, I’m quickly realizing that this is going to be a very long process.

I’m trying to be positive.  But it is so tough.  I keep thinking about the big picture, the 120 pounds that I want to drop.  I know that I should be thinking small.  Short-term goals are much easier to envision and are also rewarding in their own way.  I think my short-term goal will be the %10 loss.  If you’ve been to Weight Watchers, you know that you always start with a %5 and then a %10 loss as an accomplishment.  The Weight Watchers members and leaders make a big deal of it.

I guess it is a big deal.  Once, I lose my %10, I’m sure I’ll feel like I’m doing something right.  But thinking about how long it will take to lose that %10 makes me cringe.  I often daydream about hearing those magic phrases:

  • “Did you lose weight?”
  • “You’re doing a great job!”
  • “Keep up the good work!”
  • “You look great!”

I want it to be obvious that I’m making a change.  I want people to change their perceptions of  me.  I can’t honestly say that we’re all prejudiced because I really don’t know the statistics on that.  But I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.  I’m sure that many people see me for the first time and believe I’m lazy, stupid, clumsy, and smelly.  It’s just like when I see a girl that fits the definition of “hot”, I automatically think she’s a snobby bitch.  I want people to view me as someone who is making an effort, who cares about the way she looks.

What I really want is to start seeing results.  I want to feel accomplished and worth it.  I guess I just need to keep trying as hard as I can.  If you have any ideas for ways to stay motivated, please share them with me.


Weight, Body Image, and Diets

All these subjects are slightly different yet all are related. You will find that future posts will be heavily influenced by these topics. I’d like to touch upon all of them so that you can get a bit of background before I get to work on improving myself.

Weight is an issue that I have struggled with my entire life. When I was in sixth grade, at age 12, I first realized that I was overweight. This is when I began my first diet. From then on, my body continued to change, getting smaller, then bigger, over and over, like a sort of cycle. I don’t recall ever reaching the point of obesity until about 5 years ago. I’ve continued to gain weight since then.

Currently, I am the largest I’ve ever been, with a body mass index (BMI) of 37.6. This puts me in the obesity category. I cannot fathom how I did this to myself. I can’t remember when exactly I lost control and allowed myself to become this massive version of me. I have destroyed my body and I fear that some consequences of my overeating will leave an imprint on my body after I lose the weight.

Naturally, body image is closely linked to weight. I have always detested my appearance, even when I was smaller. I have never been thin enough. Now, I look back at those old photos of me and I wish that I could be that size again, but at the time, I remember feeling like I was too fat. There is always something wrong with my exterior. Especially now.

There is this term that I have encountered recently: “BBW” or “big, beautiful woman”. I find it hard to believe that anyone can be labeled as “big” and “beautiful” simultaneously. If you ask me, fat is not attractive. Fat is a condition, an illness, a curse. I am not big and beautiful, I am big and disgusting, an eyesore.

Will I lose weight and think of myself as beautiful? Most likely, no. There is a seemingly endless discussion about the media and its influence on women and I will never be as flawless as the girls on the screen or in the magazines. And what about when those girls gain weight, say 5 pounds? The reporters and writers are vicious with their criticism, splashing the “news” all over our television screens and tabloid mags. What is the biggest toll that all this weight drama takes on the non-famous? Our self-esteem, our confidence, and sometimes, our sanity.

Sanity, or lack there-of, leads to my next topic: diets. People attempt all kinds of crazy diets to try to reach perfection. I am not excluded. On my first attempt, at age 12, everything I ate had to be 5 grams of fat or less, I didn’t pay attention to calories, and I lost weight. I then tried the 20 grams of fat per day diet, at 14.  Again, I was successful. My parents took me to the pediatrician so that he could tell me that I didn’t need to lose any more weight. The following summer, I continued on my diet and I continued to be successful. So successful, that in high school, a girl who had been hospitalized for anorexia, actually sat with me one day at lunch to make sure I ate. At the time, it made me angry, now, I miss that concern.

When I gained again, I went to Weight Watchers and lost again. I continued to gain until my freshman year of college, when I tried throwing up. It was so satisfying one night when I ate too much Chinese food and then got rid of it. But that didn’t last long, family and roommates began to suspect. Towards the end of sophomore year, I joined Weight Watchers Online. I lost some weight, and that following summer, I joined the program and attended meetings. I lost a decent amount of weight. After that, my weight slowly increased. Two years later, I joined again, lost some weight, and then quit and gained. I think I joined 3 more times after and was unsuccessful. When I moved out and lived alone for a year, in 2007, I lost weight when I wasn’t even trying, because I was the one buying my food and there was nothing in my apartment to tempt me.  When I moved back home though, my weight increased incrementally, to my current state.

On this site, you will encounter a great deal of resolutions concerning weight loss, diet changes, and body image improvement. Thanks for reading and wish me luck!

weight gain

From 13-29, my journey from average to obese