All these subjects are slightly different yet all are related. You will find that future posts will be heavily influenced by these topics. I’d like to touch upon all of them so that you can get a bit of background before I get to work on improving myself.
Weight is an issue that I have struggled with my entire life. When I was in sixth grade, at age 12, I first realized that I was overweight. This is when I began my first diet. From then on, my body continued to change, getting smaller, then bigger, over and over, like a sort of cycle. I don’t recall ever reaching the point of obesity until about 5 years ago. I’ve continued to gain weight since then.
Currently, I am the largest I’ve ever been, with a body mass index (BMI) of 37.6. This puts me in the obesity category. I cannot fathom how I did this to myself. I can’t remember when exactly I lost control and allowed myself to become this massive version of me. I have destroyed my body and I fear that some consequences of my overeating will leave an imprint on my body after I lose the weight.
Naturally, body image is closely linked to weight. I have always detested my appearance, even when I was smaller. I have never been thin enough. Now, I look back at those old photos of me and I wish that I could be that size again, but at the time, I remember feeling like I was too fat. There is always something wrong with my exterior. Especially now.
There is this term that I have encountered recently: “BBW” or “big, beautiful woman”. I find it hard to believe that anyone can be labeled as “big” and “beautiful” simultaneously. If you ask me, fat is not attractive. Fat is a condition, an illness, a curse. I am not big and beautiful, I am big and disgusting, an eyesore.
Will I lose weight and think of myself as beautiful? Most likely, no. There is a seemingly endless discussion about the media and its influence on women and I will never be as flawless as the girls on the screen or in the magazines. And what about when those girls gain weight, say 5 pounds? The reporters and writers are vicious with their criticism, splashing the “news” all over our television screens and tabloid mags. What is the biggest toll that all this weight drama takes on the non-famous? Our self-esteem, our confidence, and sometimes, our sanity.
Sanity, or lack there-of, leads to my next topic: diets. People attempt all kinds of crazy diets to try to reach perfection. I am not excluded. On my first attempt, at age 12, everything I ate had to be 5 grams of fat or less, I didn’t pay attention to calories, and I lost weight. I then tried the 20 grams of fat per day diet, at 14. Again, I was successful. My parents took me to the pediatrician so that he could tell me that I didn’t need to lose any more weight. The following summer, I continued on my diet and I continued to be successful. So successful, that in high school, a girl who had been hospitalized for anorexia, actually sat with me one day at lunch to make sure I ate. At the time, it made me angry, now, I miss that concern.
When I gained again, I went to Weight Watchers and lost again. I continued to gain until my freshman year of college, when I tried throwing up. It was so satisfying one night when I ate too much Chinese food and then got rid of it. But that didn’t last long, family and roommates began to suspect. Towards the end of sophomore year, I joined Weight Watchers Online. I lost some weight, and that following summer, I joined the program and attended meetings. I lost a decent amount of weight. After that, my weight slowly increased. Two years later, I joined again, lost some weight, and then quit and gained. I think I joined 3 more times after and was unsuccessful. When I moved out and lived alone for a year, in 2007, I lost weight when I wasn’t even trying, because I was the one buying my food and there was nothing in my apartment to tempt me. When I moved back home though, my weight increased incrementally, to my current state.
On this site, you will encounter a great deal of resolutions concerning weight loss, diet changes, and body image improvement. Thanks for reading and wish me luck!