Tag Archives: depression

Holiday Blues

What is it about the holidays that brings out the worst in me? I don’t know about you, but my constant black cloud is most prevalent during the holiday season. When December comes, I don’t get excited about Christmas anymore, I get excited about tax season (when I get a check worth about 3-4 times my weekly paycheck in one day!). Speaking of money, I am certain that part of my holiday blues stems from the fact that I didn’t get a Christmas bonus this year. Every year since I’ve been at this job, I got a bonus. So this new president fills the post and screws everyone over. Personally, if I took over a company right before Christmas, I’d make damn sure not to cause any disgruntled employees, I’m just saying. And don’t even tell me that there wasn’t enough in the budget. My facility makes mad cash. So yes, finding out today that there is no bonus coming was pretty upsetting. My company always talks about “employee appreciation”. Total BS!

Alright, now that I’ve ranted, I’m going to get serious. Lately, I’ve been pretty darn depressed, as you could most likely surmise by the title of this post. I’ve spoken of depression frequently, but right now, it is almost swallowing me up. I’ve been taking my medication. Hell, I’ve taken practically every medication; Paxil, Celexa, Zoloft, Buspar, Seroquel. I’m currently on Wellbutrin, Effexor, and Lamictal. I know that list doesn’t encompass every medication, there must be hundreds of psych meds (I work at a hospital, I see patients’ medication lists).

I see both a psychiatrist and a therapist. I’ll be seeing the therapist at the end of this month, he can’t prescribe meds, however. I won’t be seeing the psychiatrist until mid-February, unfortunately. I’m not looking forward to switching meds again. She’s mentioned Lithium several times in the past. I’m afraid that Lithium will be my next step. I also want to ask about Adderall or Ritalin, because I’m concerned that I may have attention deficit disorder. But I’m concerned that she will think I’m med-seeking. I’m sure you are all aware, those stimulants are often sold illegally for recreational purposes.

Lithium is a bit intimidating. I’ve read several articles in which it is considered the “gold standard” of mood stabilizers. However, there can be a great deal of side effects and it requires frequent lab monitoring. I believe that after the first dose, it is necessary to have levels drawn within 12 hours. There are several timed labs after that initial screening. I may consider giving it a try if I’m still in this pit when I see my psychiatrist.

Continuing on my discussion of depression, have you ever experienced it? If so, have you ever noticed how there are so many people who don’t get it? I’ll elaborate, people may say:

  • “You just want attention.”
  • “Why don’t you just be happy?”
  • “Be thankful for what you have.”
  • “You don’t need medication to be happy.”

It’s so frustrating! I want to explain to these people that being happy isn’t that simple; I am thankful for what I have, but those things I’m grateful for don’t take precedence in my thoughts at this moment; I’m sad and hurting inside, but I can’t put into words why I feel this way; and yes, I do want attention, I want a hug and I want someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay.

Buzzfeed is a website that caters to “generation y” IMO, (it also is a source I turn to to relieve my need to procrastinate). It touches upon pop culture, current events, nostalgia, issues, etc. It’s quite entertaining! The site often posts in an easy-to-read list format. Recently, there was a list that left a profound impact on me, 21 Comics That Capture The Frustrations of DepressionIt seems like an oxymoron, doesn’t it? “Comic” and “Depression”. But to me, these comics so accurately depict the mental illness. I cried while reading them. You might too, I’m just warning you. It is a very uplifting feeling though, to know that there are others who understand what I am experiencing. Please check it out.

The Downside of Facebook

It is a huge weight off my shoulders to be off of Facebook for the time being. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried it, but it really makes a difference, especially if you are like me. You see, I tend to be quite dramatic.  Deep down, I know that most people on Facebook only post statuses about the positive events in their lives. I know that there is so much that goes unsaid on Facebook.  However, I can’t help but stress out about those positive life events of others. I can’t help but feel inadequate.

There are actually two things that led to my most recent Facebook sabbatical.  Number one is no surprise: Steve.  It just hurts so much to get my hopes up that he will talk to me.  I’ll be online for 3 hours and it will show that he is available for chat, yet he never contacts me, never. Years ago, we’d always find a way to talk. This is going back to the time that IMing was popular. Remember AOL Instant Messenger? Anyway, we used to “talk” once a week, at least. I miss him so much, but he won’t even notice that I’m gone.

There is a second reason that I gave Facebook a break.  My friend, Katie, posted that she moved into her own apartment.  This is very distressing to me.  For the longest time, Katie was as pathetic as I am.  She lived at home with her parents, was making minimum wage, and she was single.  It’s hard to be the only one of my former group who still lives at home with her parents.  I’m always stressing about people judging me.  People tell me that it doesn’t matter, but I don’t believe them.

I’m sure everyone who knows about my situation must think I’m a total loser.  I have no other way to describe myself.  I am headed in the right direction, but its so difficult to envision the future. I keep living in the past.  This reminds me of something I saw recently on Tumblr.

This is so true, yet so hard to live by. I’m trying to work on this.

 

 

Tell Me When This is Supposed to Make Me Feel Better

I just came back from “therapy”.  I’ve always imagined therapy to be an appointment in which the patient discusses her issues and the counselor listens and provides insight.  That is true.  However, I’d also believed therapy would be helpful (ie. therapeutic) and after the session, the patient would feel a bit better, lighter, having lost a great weight off her shoulders from talking about her issues and gaining the insight of the counselor.  If I judged it by the session I had this morning, I’d have to say that my second belief about therapy was a giant misconception.

I left today feeling more upset than I did when I went in.  I was looking forward to my session, I’ve been feeling really lousy lately.  I wanted to talk about my recent Facebook deactivation.  I needed reassurance that maybe Steve just didn’t get my message.  I didn’t get any reassurance.  I can’t quote my counselor verbatim, but his response was basically “Chalk it up to him not being into you and move on.”

I’ve read the book, “He’s Just Not That Into You”, and I must say that it was eye-opening and insightful.  I still have the book and perhaps I should read it again.  I think it’s imperative for a woman like myself, one with a history of failed relationships (or in my case, “un-relationships”),  whose self-confidence is destroyed because of her consistent failure with men, to read.  It needs to be understood by women like me.

However, having heard this from my counselor today, I don’t feel better or stronger or smarter.  I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut.  It hurts.  I really thought that maybe, for once, this guy (Steve) was into me.  Having heard it from my counselor, whom I shall now refer to as Dr. BadNews, I know it’s the truth.  I’ve been trying to avoid admitting it to myself, but I can’t anymore.  What used to be, isn’t anymore and I need to stop dwelling on it.  Deep down, I know I need to move on and meet someone who will love me as much as I love him.

That brings me to my other dilemma.  How do I meet someone I like?  I joined OKCupid and I put up a revealing picture of myself, one that was taken a year ago.  By revealing, I don’t mean that I was wearing lingerie.  (I’m sorry to give you that visual).  I mean that it was a picture that showed my face and body as they are now, unfortunately.  The picture showed me in all my fat glory.  I guess it makes more sense to be realistic than to put up a picture of myself from 8 years ago, when I was semi-approachable.

The pickings are slim though.  The men who emailed me, all three of them, do not do much for me.  Forgive me if you think I’m being a jerk, but one of the biggest turn-offs for me is a man who responds to my profile with an un-proofread email.  I can’t stand grammar, spelling, and punctuation errors.  It’s a huge tip-off to me that he isn’t intelligent.  But as I’ve said, there are slim pickings out there.

The only men who respond to me are probably doing so in desperation.  No one wants to date someone like me.  Do I settle?  Or do I keep looking for someone with whom a mutual attraction is shared?  I’m running out of time, part of me thinks I should just settle.  Whatever happens, I want to date someone soon so I can get Steve out of my mind.

Have you ever seen pictures of people trying to be “bad-ass”, in which they’re flipping the bird at the camera?  I’ve never been one of those people.  But I do keep seeing this image in my mind of myself flipping the double bird at the camera.  I want to post this as my Facebook profile pic if I lose those 120 pounds and end up with a wonderful man and move out of my parents’ house.  I want to caption it with, “This is to everyone who gave up on me.”

Long-Term Goals

Let’s talk long-term goals.  I’m not referring to goals I want to achieve in 5 years, I’m talking about goals I want to accomplish by December 31, 2013.  I have some goals in mind, like losing 10% of my starting weight and quitting smoking, but those goals do not have a time limit.

I have 3 major goals that I want to reach by the end of this year.  These may not seem that important to you, but to me, they are essential.  As you’ve probably read before, I need to be motivated.  And, as you’ve also probably read before, I’m quite depressed.  Lack of motivation and depression go hand-in-hand.  When you see those commercials for anti-depressants, take a closer look.  The drug companies aren’t lying.  Those commercials do give a very accurate picture of depression.  I feel that setting these long-term goals will be motivating for me.  For once, I’ll have a purpose.

Goal #1 – I intend to get back into the pool by the end of 2013.  

Way back in 4th and 5th grade, I was a competitive swimmer.  I have no idea why I gave it up.  Most likely, I quit because of the cost.  I belonged to a local, private swim club that was comprised not only of kids like me, but also a lot of snooty kids.  I believe it cost about $200 for the year and my middle-class parents couldn’t afford to send me anymore.

The pool was 25 yards long with 8 lanes and was housed at my high school.  I still remember the smell of the pool when I walked into the big, steamy room.  It smelled like chlorine of course, but not a strong, unpleasant bleach smell.  Anytime I walk into a pool room now, the smell brings me back and I long to be in it.

A lap pool feels like home to me.  Swimming was the one athletic activity that I was good at.  And from what I remember, I was really good.  My parents used to tell me that when they’d watch from the bleachers, people would comment to them about my performance.  I love feeling strong and able when I pull myself through the water.

Though I’m out of shape now, I still consider myself a swimmer.  I always will.  However, the last time I swam at the Y, I felt like a fool.  I couldn’t swim the whole way across without stopping and catching my breath.  I’m sure that is due to my being obese and the smoking.  Although my last attempt was so pitiful, I have every intention of getting back into the pool and I really hope to do that by the end of 2013.

Goal #2 – I will be a size 16 by the end of 2013

To most people, a size 16 wouldn’t be something to work towards.  To me, getting into a size 16 would be an accomplishment.  I’m currently a size 18/20.  Eighteen for some brands, twenty for others.  The last time I wore a size 16 was about 5 years ago.

There are a couple reasons why I picked this size.  First, I feel like it is a number that is attainable by the end of this year.  If I’d said a size 10, I know for certain that I would not be able to wear that size by December 31 of 2013.  Secondly, I feel that when I can fit into a size 16, it will finally start looking like I’ve lost weight.

Goal #3 – I will apply for college by the end of 2013

This is a huge goal for me.  I’ve known for quite some time that I need to go back to school.  I did get a Bachelor’s Degree in Elementary Education, however, I don’t like teaching.  It was a bad choice for me.  I’m so lost right now, I’m not quite sure what I want to do.  I’m terrified of making a mistake again and having nothing to show for it except student loan debt.

I’m leaning towards two very different career paths, either medical or finance.  I intend to make a decision soon and apply for college.  If I take classes, I feel like I will appear to be taking charge of my life.  It’s important for me to do well in life, but I also must admit that it is important to me to have others see that I’m not a screw-up.

That’s what I feel like right now, a big screw-up.  My counselor and co-workers keep telling me that people aren’t making fun of me about my status, but I can’t get that thought out of my head.  I hate telling people that I am a 31 year old living at home with her parents, with no relationship, no social life,  and no friends.  (Okay, I exaggerated a bit, I have some friends, but not many.)  I feel like I can’t meet new friends or a boyfriend, not only because I’m fat, but also because I am going nowhere.  I need to move on.  I think the way to do that is to go back to school and find a career that not only brings me enjoyment, but also financial security.

These are my three big goals for the end of 2013.  I sincerely hope to accomplish each and possibly bring a little happiness into my life.  Maybe 2013 will be my best year in a long time!

Dilemmas of a Drama Queen/The Downside of Facebook

antifacebookIf you spoke with me for five minutes, you’d surely come to the conclusion that I am a pessimist.  You’d be right in your assumption.  I rarely look up when I’m walking, I hardly ever smile, and I constantly say nasty things about myself, things I wouldn’t say to my worst enemy.  Some negative traits I feel I exemplify might be perceived as non-existent by others who’ve met me.  Though, I can tell you with 99% certainty, that most people would agree with me when I profess that I am a drama queen.

It’s one characteristic of my personality that I am not ashamed of, at least, not when the overly dramatic words come out of my mouth.  See, I tend to also not think before I speak and afterwards I feel kind of stupid.  You know, you immediately think to yourself “Oh my God!  Did I really just say that out loud?  People are going to think I’m so weird.” Nevertheless, I get over those worries fairly quickly and it leads to conversation about what is really bothering me.  It also leads to good advice and sympathy at times.

You’re probably wondering why I’m leading in with this long introduction about being a drama queen.  Well, I’ve been overly dramatic over the past few days.  It has a little bit to do with the boy again, so bear with me.  In my previous post, I’d talked about reaching out to someone who hasn’t spoken to me in a long time.  It was a big, scary step for me, but I managed to work up the confidence to message him on Facebook.  It may not seem like a big deal to you, but for someone who is scared of rejection and believes that everyone hates her, it was huge.

By Saturday afternoon, I still had not received a response.  All I wanted was a response.  See what I mean by dramatic?  I jump to conclusions all the time.

 It was a "Jump to Conclusions" mat. You see, it would be this mat that you would put on the floor... and would have different CONCLUSIONS written on it that you could JUMP TO. ~ Courtesy of "Office Space"

It was a “Jump to Conclusions” mat. You see, it would be this mat that you would put on the floor… and would have different CONCLUSIONS written on it that you could JUMP TO. ~ Courtesy of “Office Space”

It’s all in the nature of being a drama queen.  I probably should have waited at least a week, but no, I promptly wrote a message to my only two friends that might notice I was gone, (I’m not quite sure if that previous statement is overly dramatic or truthful.  I do believe that no one else on Facebook notices I’m alive).  Basically, I thanked them for caring when everyone else who used to care had given up on me.  I told them I was deactivating my account and that they could contact me on my phone if need be.  Next, I went through with my plan and temporarily closed my account.  I plan to get back on Facebook eventually, but right now, it’s just contributing to my depression.

It’s silly, but I take everything very literally.  Facebook, though fun and useful at times, can also be really discouraging.  I’ve mentioned before, how I feel like a loser because I’m not where I want to be.  Well, sometimes, Facebook can make me feel like an even bigger loser than I already am.

Sometimes, Facebook feels like high school.  There are popular kids, jocks, geeks, goths, weirdos, creeps, etc.  I enjoyed my last two years of high school because I gradually felt like I belonged, like I wasn’t an outcast, like people liked me.  At times though, Facebook feels like those first two years, when I felt invisible.  This is precisely the reason I deactivated my account.  I can’t read about people who used to like me, enjoying life without me.  It makes me feel like I never mattered to them.

Perhaps I did make a rash decision by deactivating my account.  It’s only temporary though, and I believe I will benefit in the short-term.  I can’t be sucked into this popularity contest anymore, wondering how many people will “like” the new post I wrote or picture I posted.  I’m not ready to see a guy who used to like me, all over a girl who isn’t me.  I’m sick and tired of watching the people on the chat list and hoping that someone special will send me a message.

For the time being, I feel pretty good.  I’m trying not to be overly dramatic, thinking of him, and wondering what I did to push him away.  I’m tired of crying about major events that former friends may or may not be lying about.  This is why I’m leaving Facebook for a month.

Some Advice Please!

I’m looking for a little relationship advice.  I’m not actually in a relationship.  It’s more “relationship-that-I-want-to-be-in” advice that I’m requesting.  I’m not going to go into my whole relationship history because it is boring and pathetic.  But I do want to talk about one guy in particular.

This man, I’ll call him “Steve”, has been my friend for years.  I met him when I was younger and weighed much less than I do now.  I don’t want to sound over-confident, but I knew when I was first introduced to him that he was interested in me.  He was really flirtatious.  We became friends and about five months later, I started to get interested in him too.  On the phone one night, he told me I was beautiful.  It was so sincere, there was no ulterior motive behind his words.

One night at a party, we kissed and that’s when our friendship started to evolve.  We went on a date with another couple.  Shortly after that, I met someone else (Andy) and started seeing him.  I didn’t bother to tell Steve though, as I thought it was just casual and I figured I’d date both men and figure out who I felt the strongest connection with.  You can imagine how that must have turned out.

A few weeks into seeing Andy, Steve found out.  When Steve’s friend, Cory, IMed me one night, he told me that he was upset that Steve and I didn’t work out.  Cory and Steve had talked and they agreed that they didn’t expect me to do something like that.  I felt terrible.  It turned out that Steve genuinely liked me and Andy was looking for someone to hook up with.

Eventually we did become friends again, but it’s always been a “unique” friendship.  There were a few times after the incident when we’d be drinking and we’d kiss and he would say such sweet things to me.  I always felt something when we kissed.  No one else ever made me feel like him.

We continued to talk all the time.  We were always IMing each other.   Even after we’d graduated college, we stayed in contact, which was not the case with the majority of my college friends.  I always felt very close to him and comfortable with him.  And I always wanted to date him again.

Over the past four years we’ve grown apart though.  I really, really miss him.  We’re “friends” on Facebook, but that’s where it ends.  We don’t talk on the phone, we don’t send messages,  we don’t hang out.  He’s moving forward, I’m stuck in neutral.  It hurts to think that he’s given up on me.  I never expected him to forget about me.  I can’t contact him, I’m too terrified of rejection and awkward silence.

This is where I need relationship advice.  Do I give up on him too?  Do I actually like him or am I just attracted to the fact that he’s the only person who ever really liked me?  Should I put myself out there and try to meet someone else?

Abandonment

I haven’t been abandoned-not literally-though I have abandoned this blog for nearly two weeks.  I intend to abandon the Challenge format.  Challenges just aren’t working out for me.  I think it’s that feeling like I have to go online and write about the current challenge.  It’s too constricting.  I have to work at my own pace.  Also, it seems that my posts that don’t follow any specific format seem to get more views.  So, in short, I’m abandoning challenges, and moving toward an “online journal” type of format.

I don’t intend to stop making changes in my life.  I will be making changes as I feel ready.  As of late, I’ve been feeling unmotivated to do much of anything.

The depression (or whatever it is) seems to be taking over.  On Tuesday, a co-worker said to me “get a life”.  It broke me.  I had to go to the cafeteria so that I wouldn’t raise my voice to her.  My little sojourn only caused me to become increasingly furious.  When I arrived back to my floor, I just broke down in a hysterical crying fit.  Whoever made up that “sticks and stones” phrase is an idiot.

Words hurt.  Especially for someone who already hates herself.  Every day my brain is overcome with negative thoughts about myself:

“I’m a loser with no friends”

“No one will ever love me”

“I’m invisible”

“I’m not worth it”

So when someone says something like “get a life”, it goes to heart.  The thing is, my intention is not to let everyone see what I see.  I don’t want people to think of me like I think of me.  So when someone says “get a life”, it’s incredibly painful.

Basically, since the incident, I’ve been retreating back into my impenetrable little world.  I zone out and ignore the conversation around me and I only speak when spoken to.  I don’t actively participate.  No one would care about what I have to say anyway.  No one tries to involve me.  In essence, I abandon them and they abandon me.

More than anything, I want to belong.  If someone knows how to get there, please, let me in on the secret.