Tag Archives: disappointment

Do I Have The Right to be Picky?

Greetings! I’ve been keeping up with Weight Watchers as much as I can, but I haven’t seen the results I’d hoped to see by this time. It’s okay though, I’ve no intention of quitting. I’m proud to say, I went last week and I am down to about 0.2 pounds more than I was at my lowest point this year (in August). I hope to be able to attend meetings more regularly as I’ve been using Friday mornings (WW meeting day) to take my weekly online quizzes for school. I have finals in a few days and then I can relax for a bit before starting again in January. Hopefully, during this period, I’ll also be able to work very hard at my goals.

If you’ve read my blog before, you know that I frequently discuss love and relationships and dating. I’ve recently been spending more time on okcupid.com.  Last weekend, I spent a good chunk of time speaking on the phone with a man from the site.  I spoke to him for probably 6 hours total on Saturday, on Sunday, I didn’t speak with him much, he was out with friends. On Monday, he texted me in the morning because he had fallen asleep and hadn’t spoken to me in awhile. I texted him when I was at work. He texted me when I got home from work and then he called me. And then, while speaking to him very early in the morning, Tuesday,  I realized, I’m really not into him. The conversation wasn’t flowing, we really didn’t have much to say to each other. And guess what? I’m okay with this.

It used to be that I would take offense when men would lose interest in me, but this time, it was fine. I realized that yes, we have stuff in common, but no, he doesn’t make me laugh. He also seemed to be very cynical, and considering that I’m cynical as well, it just wouldn’t work. I need someone to balance out my pessimism. It’s nice sometimes, to commiserate with someone, but other times, I want to be lifted. I want to talk to someone who hasn’t given up hope. Maybe I’m less of a pessimist than I’d originally thought?

But now I’m going to go right back to being a “Debbie Downer” and question my choices. As a fat woman, do I have the right to be picky about the men I talk to? I mean, for a girl like me, the pickings are slim. There are some men who say they like big girls, bbws, thick chicks, whatever. But from what I’ve experienced, the men who are attracted to women like me, aren’t very attractive to me.

I shouldn’t be so choosy about men. I’m a fat girl, I should be happy that any man is talking to me. I have no right to pick and choose what men deserve my time. But I can’t date someone who I’m not attracted to. I’ve done that before, I think it was because I just was sick of being single, and it sucked. So what, do I settle?

I’ve been searching for sites that answer questions or show pictures or tell stories about men who like full-figured women.  I’ve been trying to make myself feel better. I want to fall in love, and I want to know that it is possible for a man to fall in love with me. I still hope to lose weight, I just don’t want to wait until I’m average-sized to start dating. The loneliness is killing me…

Here are a few links to some of the sites I’ve found that give me a bit of hope:

http://www.themilitantbaker.com/2013/03/things-no-one-will-tell-fat-girls-so-i.html

http://fuckyeahfatchicksskinnyguys.tumblr.com/

http://askaguywholikesfatchicks.tumblr.com/

http://magiclistofguyswholikefatgirls.tumblr.com/

http://www.lardbiscuit.com/lard/truefa.html

http://thehairpin.com/2010/12/i-like-fat-chicks-questions

http://www.pinterest.com/mybabykatiepaw/big-girls-their-guys/

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Overreacting?

bff

Awhile back, I wrote about how September was an awful month.  I realized recently that I didn’t write about the event that really ruined September for me.  It’s two months later, and it’s still bothering me so I figured I’d ask for some advice.

Throughout the majority of my life, I’d been friends with Molly.  We became friends when she was 6 and I was 7.  Up until our early twenties, she lived across the street from me.  We went to elementary, middle, and high school together.  We became especially close during the last two years of high school and we stayed that way throughout most of college.  We rode in the same limo to prom, we drove to school together before she got a car, we went clubbing together for the first time, we had our lockers next to each other, etc.  Circa eighth grade, we swore that we’d tell each other first when we lost our virginity and that we’d be each other’s maid of honor.  I felt important hanging out with her, she had greater “status” than me.  We considered ourselves, “best friends”.  To this day, many of my fondest memories involve some sort of escapade  with Molly.

Like most friendships, there were occasional setbacks.  In the beginning of eighth grade, we didn’t speak for about a month and I hated her.  The summer before our junior year of college, we had a falling out, I think it had to do with some of our non-mutual friends.  I told her I didn’t like her other friends for some reason.  We didn’t speak for five months this time around.  I hated her then too.  Both times, I believe she was the one to break the silence.  I’m a grudge-holder, and I refuse to apologize if I feel that my argument is justified.

After our issues, we rekindled our friendship.  We continued to confide in each other, we talked about our boy-dilemmas (mine was with Steve, even back then!), our school friends, our gripes with the world, everything.  I remember one New Year’s Eve, we went to this bar that we knew served under-age drinkers. We each danced with a guy, mine sang Usher to me (U Got it Bad), her “date” ate a bunch of olives and tried to kiss her.  We made fun of that night for years.  But I digress…The point is, we shared all of those things that make a pair of best friends.  (Which reminds me, do guys have best friends?)

The turning point came when I moved down south at 26.  It was December, I was planning to return home for Christmas.  She lived in the city where the local airport was located and she offered to pick me up and let me stay at her apartment.  She was going to go to her parents’ house the next day, so she agreed to drive me home.  It was a great arrangement.

Everything was going great.  She picked me up at the airport as she said she would.  We went to her place, I made fun of her parking saver (as we’d always tease each other, sarcastically), we made plans to go out to a bar, but she fell asleep. We decided we were both tired and we wouldn’t go out that night.

Later on, while she was resting, she got a phone call.  The guy that she had been seeing for a few months, had come home from Seattle.  I’m sure you know where this is going.  So she was too “tired” to hang out with me, but shockingly, she was full of energy when Matt called her.  This led to my dislike of my best friend.  The next day, as she drove me home, I was steaming and I realized all of her negative traits I’d overlooked for all those years.  It now bothered me that she was selfish and a snob.  I’m not even sure if I thought that earlier, but I definitely felt that way now.  Our friendship became strained, we didn’t talk on the phone much anymore, and in September of the following year, we corresponded via email for the last time.  I saw her about one year and a half later, but that was only because our mutual friend, Amy, wanted to see us both at Christmastime.

Now, after this long-winded post, I come to the point…This past September, on a Friday when I was getting ready for work, there were about twenty cars parked on my street.  They were all at Molly’s house, as I could see that there were a lot of cars parked in her driveway as well.  I didn’t think much of it.  The next day, a rare Saturday off from work, I noticed that there was still a great deal of cars parked at her parents’ house.  So I googled her name.

Imagine my surprise, when I find out that she is getting married (to that guy who lived in Seattle), on this day.  I flew into a rage (I’m not exaggerating, I was literally screaming and throwing things, and slamming doors.)    Yes, I admit that part of my anger stemmed from jealousy, but the majority of my anger was a result of being slighted.

Though at the time, we hadn’t been talking for about 5 years, we still had that twenty year history.  We had known each other for over twenty years; at one point, we thought of each other as a best friend.  I was so hurt.  There were a million emotions going through me when I discovered what was happening; hatred, jealousy, stress, sadness, anger, vengeance, etc.  I had no positive feelings towards her.  I even wrote a letter that I had planned to send, but I never did.  In the letter, I told her about how much I despised her, how hurt I felt, how she was never a real friend.  I am most proud about the end of my letter, when I wrote “I am not going to wish you a long and happy life together.  Instead, I wish for a short marriage ending in a long divorce which leaves you penniless.”  That is how much it stung.  As you can probably tell, I’m still bothered by it.

I talked to my coworkers about the events.  I wanted their opinions.  I was surprised to find out that they thought I was nuts for getting so upset about it.  My argument is that we’ve known each other for twenty-plus years, we were super-close for years, I think she should have at least emailed or sent me a letter about an event such as this.  As I mentioned earlier, we had once planned on serving as maid-of-honor to one another.  My coworkers unanimously agreed that I was overreacting.  What is your opinion on the issue?

The Downside of Facebook

It is a huge weight off my shoulders to be off of Facebook for the time being. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried it, but it really makes a difference, especially if you are like me. You see, I tend to be quite dramatic.  Deep down, I know that most people on Facebook only post statuses about the positive events in their lives. I know that there is so much that goes unsaid on Facebook.  However, I can’t help but stress out about those positive life events of others. I can’t help but feel inadequate.

There are actually two things that led to my most recent Facebook sabbatical.  Number one is no surprise: Steve.  It just hurts so much to get my hopes up that he will talk to me.  I’ll be online for 3 hours and it will show that he is available for chat, yet he never contacts me, never. Years ago, we’d always find a way to talk. This is going back to the time that IMing was popular. Remember AOL Instant Messenger? Anyway, we used to “talk” once a week, at least. I miss him so much, but he won’t even notice that I’m gone.

There is a second reason that I gave Facebook a break.  My friend, Katie, posted that she moved into her own apartment.  This is very distressing to me.  For the longest time, Katie was as pathetic as I am.  She lived at home with her parents, was making minimum wage, and she was single.  It’s hard to be the only one of my former group who still lives at home with her parents.  I’m always stressing about people judging me.  People tell me that it doesn’t matter, but I don’t believe them.

I’m sure everyone who knows about my situation must think I’m a total loser.  I have no other way to describe myself.  I am headed in the right direction, but its so difficult to envision the future. I keep living in the past.  This reminds me of something I saw recently on Tumblr.

This is so true, yet so hard to live by. I’m trying to work on this.

 

 

Tell Me When This is Supposed to Make Me Feel Better

I just came back from “therapy”.  I’ve always imagined therapy to be an appointment in which the patient discusses her issues and the counselor listens and provides insight.  That is true.  However, I’d also believed therapy would be helpful (ie. therapeutic) and after the session, the patient would feel a bit better, lighter, having lost a great weight off her shoulders from talking about her issues and gaining the insight of the counselor.  If I judged it by the session I had this morning, I’d have to say that my second belief about therapy was a giant misconception.

I left today feeling more upset than I did when I went in.  I was looking forward to my session, I’ve been feeling really lousy lately.  I wanted to talk about my recent Facebook deactivation.  I needed reassurance that maybe Steve just didn’t get my message.  I didn’t get any reassurance.  I can’t quote my counselor verbatim, but his response was basically “Chalk it up to him not being into you and move on.”

I’ve read the book, “He’s Just Not That Into You”, and I must say that it was eye-opening and insightful.  I still have the book and perhaps I should read it again.  I think it’s imperative for a woman like myself, one with a history of failed relationships (or in my case, “un-relationships”),  whose self-confidence is destroyed because of her consistent failure with men, to read.  It needs to be understood by women like me.

However, having heard this from my counselor today, I don’t feel better or stronger or smarter.  I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut.  It hurts.  I really thought that maybe, for once, this guy (Steve) was into me.  Having heard it from my counselor, whom I shall now refer to as Dr. BadNews, I know it’s the truth.  I’ve been trying to avoid admitting it to myself, but I can’t anymore.  What used to be, isn’t anymore and I need to stop dwelling on it.  Deep down, I know I need to move on and meet someone who will love me as much as I love him.

That brings me to my other dilemma.  How do I meet someone I like?  I joined OKCupid and I put up a revealing picture of myself, one that was taken a year ago.  By revealing, I don’t mean that I was wearing lingerie.  (I’m sorry to give you that visual).  I mean that it was a picture that showed my face and body as they are now, unfortunately.  The picture showed me in all my fat glory.  I guess it makes more sense to be realistic than to put up a picture of myself from 8 years ago, when I was semi-approachable.

The pickings are slim though.  The men who emailed me, all three of them, do not do much for me.  Forgive me if you think I’m being a jerk, but one of the biggest turn-offs for me is a man who responds to my profile with an un-proofread email.  I can’t stand grammar, spelling, and punctuation errors.  It’s a huge tip-off to me that he isn’t intelligent.  But as I’ve said, there are slim pickings out there.

The only men who respond to me are probably doing so in desperation.  No one wants to date someone like me.  Do I settle?  Or do I keep looking for someone with whom a mutual attraction is shared?  I’m running out of time, part of me thinks I should just settle.  Whatever happens, I want to date someone soon so I can get Steve out of my mind.

Have you ever seen pictures of people trying to be “bad-ass”, in which they’re flipping the bird at the camera?  I’ve never been one of those people.  But I do keep seeing this image in my mind of myself flipping the double bird at the camera.  I want to post this as my Facebook profile pic if I lose those 120 pounds and end up with a wonderful man and move out of my parents’ house.  I want to caption it with, “This is to everyone who gave up on me.”

Dilemmas of a Drama Queen/The Downside of Facebook

antifacebookIf you spoke with me for five minutes, you’d surely come to the conclusion that I am a pessimist.  You’d be right in your assumption.  I rarely look up when I’m walking, I hardly ever smile, and I constantly say nasty things about myself, things I wouldn’t say to my worst enemy.  Some negative traits I feel I exemplify might be perceived as non-existent by others who’ve met me.  Though, I can tell you with 99% certainty, that most people would agree with me when I profess that I am a drama queen.

It’s one characteristic of my personality that I am not ashamed of, at least, not when the overly dramatic words come out of my mouth.  See, I tend to also not think before I speak and afterwards I feel kind of stupid.  You know, you immediately think to yourself “Oh my God!  Did I really just say that out loud?  People are going to think I’m so weird.” Nevertheless, I get over those worries fairly quickly and it leads to conversation about what is really bothering me.  It also leads to good advice and sympathy at times.

You’re probably wondering why I’m leading in with this long introduction about being a drama queen.  Well, I’ve been overly dramatic over the past few days.  It has a little bit to do with the boy again, so bear with me.  In my previous post, I’d talked about reaching out to someone who hasn’t spoken to me in a long time.  It was a big, scary step for me, but I managed to work up the confidence to message him on Facebook.  It may not seem like a big deal to you, but for someone who is scared of rejection and believes that everyone hates her, it was huge.

By Saturday afternoon, I still had not received a response.  All I wanted was a response.  See what I mean by dramatic?  I jump to conclusions all the time.

 It was a "Jump to Conclusions" mat. You see, it would be this mat that you would put on the floor... and would have different CONCLUSIONS written on it that you could JUMP TO. ~ Courtesy of "Office Space"

It was a “Jump to Conclusions” mat. You see, it would be this mat that you would put on the floor… and would have different CONCLUSIONS written on it that you could JUMP TO. ~ Courtesy of “Office Space”

It’s all in the nature of being a drama queen.  I probably should have waited at least a week, but no, I promptly wrote a message to my only two friends that might notice I was gone, (I’m not quite sure if that previous statement is overly dramatic or truthful.  I do believe that no one else on Facebook notices I’m alive).  Basically, I thanked them for caring when everyone else who used to care had given up on me.  I told them I was deactivating my account and that they could contact me on my phone if need be.  Next, I went through with my plan and temporarily closed my account.  I plan to get back on Facebook eventually, but right now, it’s just contributing to my depression.

It’s silly, but I take everything very literally.  Facebook, though fun and useful at times, can also be really discouraging.  I’ve mentioned before, how I feel like a loser because I’m not where I want to be.  Well, sometimes, Facebook can make me feel like an even bigger loser than I already am.

Sometimes, Facebook feels like high school.  There are popular kids, jocks, geeks, goths, weirdos, creeps, etc.  I enjoyed my last two years of high school because I gradually felt like I belonged, like I wasn’t an outcast, like people liked me.  At times though, Facebook feels like those first two years, when I felt invisible.  This is precisely the reason I deactivated my account.  I can’t read about people who used to like me, enjoying life without me.  It makes me feel like I never mattered to them.

Perhaps I did make a rash decision by deactivating my account.  It’s only temporary though, and I believe I will benefit in the short-term.  I can’t be sucked into this popularity contest anymore, wondering how many people will “like” the new post I wrote or picture I posted.  I’m not ready to see a guy who used to like me, all over a girl who isn’t me.  I’m sick and tired of watching the people on the chat list and hoping that someone special will send me a message.

For the time being, I feel pretty good.  I’m trying not to be overly dramatic, thinking of him, and wondering what I did to push him away.  I’m tired of crying about major events that former friends may or may not be lying about.  This is why I’m leaving Facebook for a month.

Some Advice Please!

I’m looking for a little relationship advice.  I’m not actually in a relationship.  It’s more “relationship-that-I-want-to-be-in” advice that I’m requesting.  I’m not going to go into my whole relationship history because it is boring and pathetic.  But I do want to talk about one guy in particular.

This man, I’ll call him “Steve”, has been my friend for years.  I met him when I was younger and weighed much less than I do now.  I don’t want to sound over-confident, but I knew when I was first introduced to him that he was interested in me.  He was really flirtatious.  We became friends and about five months later, I started to get interested in him too.  On the phone one night, he told me I was beautiful.  It was so sincere, there was no ulterior motive behind his words.

One night at a party, we kissed and that’s when our friendship started to evolve.  We went on a date with another couple.  Shortly after that, I met someone else (Andy) and started seeing him.  I didn’t bother to tell Steve though, as I thought it was just casual and I figured I’d date both men and figure out who I felt the strongest connection with.  You can imagine how that must have turned out.

A few weeks into seeing Andy, Steve found out.  When Steve’s friend, Cory, IMed me one night, he told me that he was upset that Steve and I didn’t work out.  Cory and Steve had talked and they agreed that they didn’t expect me to do something like that.  I felt terrible.  It turned out that Steve genuinely liked me and Andy was looking for someone to hook up with.

Eventually we did become friends again, but it’s always been a “unique” friendship.  There were a few times after the incident when we’d be drinking and we’d kiss and he would say such sweet things to me.  I always felt something when we kissed.  No one else ever made me feel like him.

We continued to talk all the time.  We were always IMing each other.   Even after we’d graduated college, we stayed in contact, which was not the case with the majority of my college friends.  I always felt very close to him and comfortable with him.  And I always wanted to date him again.

Over the past four years we’ve grown apart though.  I really, really miss him.  We’re “friends” on Facebook, but that’s where it ends.  We don’t talk on the phone, we don’t send messages,  we don’t hang out.  He’s moving forward, I’m stuck in neutral.  It hurts to think that he’s given up on me.  I never expected him to forget about me.  I can’t contact him, I’m too terrified of rejection and awkward silence.

This is where I need relationship advice.  Do I give up on him too?  Do I actually like him or am I just attracted to the fact that he’s the only person who ever really liked me?  Should I put myself out there and try to meet someone else?

I’m back!

Just slightly over two years ago, I started writing about some major changes I had been  planning to carry out in my life.  So what has changed in my life?  I’m still single, I still live at home, I took up smoking again, I am still obese, I am still in need of friends, and I’m still depressed.  I want to make another go at it though.  I feel that if I continue to share my experience, I will make a difference for myself and possibly my readers. So bear with me, it’s going to be a slow start, but eventually, I’ll make you proud.