Tag Archives: Facebook

The Downside of Facebook

It is a huge weight off my shoulders to be off of Facebook for the time being. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried it, but it really makes a difference, especially if you are like me. You see, I tend to be quite dramatic.  Deep down, I know that most people on Facebook only post statuses about the positive events in their lives. I know that there is so much that goes unsaid on Facebook.  However, I can’t help but stress out about those positive life events of others. I can’t help but feel inadequate.

There are actually two things that led to my most recent Facebook sabbatical.  Number one is no surprise: Steve.  It just hurts so much to get my hopes up that he will talk to me.  I’ll be online for 3 hours and it will show that he is available for chat, yet he never contacts me, never. Years ago, we’d always find a way to talk. This is going back to the time that IMing was popular. Remember AOL Instant Messenger? Anyway, we used to “talk” once a week, at least. I miss him so much, but he won’t even notice that I’m gone.

There is a second reason that I gave Facebook a break.  My friend, Katie, posted that she moved into her own apartment.  This is very distressing to me.  For the longest time, Katie was as pathetic as I am.  She lived at home with her parents, was making minimum wage, and she was single.  It’s hard to be the only one of my former group who still lives at home with her parents.  I’m always stressing about people judging me.  People tell me that it doesn’t matter, but I don’t believe them.

I’m sure everyone who knows about my situation must think I’m a total loser.  I have no other way to describe myself.  I am headed in the right direction, but its so difficult to envision the future. I keep living in the past.  This reminds me of something I saw recently on Tumblr.

This is so true, yet so hard to live by. I’m trying to work on this.

 

 

Tell Me When This is Supposed to Make Me Feel Better

I just came back from “therapy”.  I’ve always imagined therapy to be an appointment in which the patient discusses her issues and the counselor listens and provides insight.  That is true.  However, I’d also believed therapy would be helpful (ie. therapeutic) and after the session, the patient would feel a bit better, lighter, having lost a great weight off her shoulders from talking about her issues and gaining the insight of the counselor.  If I judged it by the session I had this morning, I’d have to say that my second belief about therapy was a giant misconception.

I left today feeling more upset than I did when I went in.  I was looking forward to my session, I’ve been feeling really lousy lately.  I wanted to talk about my recent Facebook deactivation.  I needed reassurance that maybe Steve just didn’t get my message.  I didn’t get any reassurance.  I can’t quote my counselor verbatim, but his response was basically “Chalk it up to him not being into you and move on.”

I’ve read the book, “He’s Just Not That Into You”, and I must say that it was eye-opening and insightful.  I still have the book and perhaps I should read it again.  I think it’s imperative for a woman like myself, one with a history of failed relationships (or in my case, “un-relationships”),  whose self-confidence is destroyed because of her consistent failure with men, to read.  It needs to be understood by women like me.

However, having heard this from my counselor today, I don’t feel better or stronger or smarter.  I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut.  It hurts.  I really thought that maybe, for once, this guy (Steve) was into me.  Having heard it from my counselor, whom I shall now refer to as Dr. BadNews, I know it’s the truth.  I’ve been trying to avoid admitting it to myself, but I can’t anymore.  What used to be, isn’t anymore and I need to stop dwelling on it.  Deep down, I know I need to move on and meet someone who will love me as much as I love him.

That brings me to my other dilemma.  How do I meet someone I like?  I joined OKCupid and I put up a revealing picture of myself, one that was taken a year ago.  By revealing, I don’t mean that I was wearing lingerie.  (I’m sorry to give you that visual).  I mean that it was a picture that showed my face and body as they are now, unfortunately.  The picture showed me in all my fat glory.  I guess it makes more sense to be realistic than to put up a picture of myself from 8 years ago, when I was semi-approachable.

The pickings are slim though.  The men who emailed me, all three of them, do not do much for me.  Forgive me if you think I’m being a jerk, but one of the biggest turn-offs for me is a man who responds to my profile with an un-proofread email.  I can’t stand grammar, spelling, and punctuation errors.  It’s a huge tip-off to me that he isn’t intelligent.  But as I’ve said, there are slim pickings out there.

The only men who respond to me are probably doing so in desperation.  No one wants to date someone like me.  Do I settle?  Or do I keep looking for someone with whom a mutual attraction is shared?  I’m running out of time, part of me thinks I should just settle.  Whatever happens, I want to date someone soon so I can get Steve out of my mind.

Have you ever seen pictures of people trying to be “bad-ass”, in which they’re flipping the bird at the camera?  I’ve never been one of those people.  But I do keep seeing this image in my mind of myself flipping the double bird at the camera.  I want to post this as my Facebook profile pic if I lose those 120 pounds and end up with a wonderful man and move out of my parents’ house.  I want to caption it with, “This is to everyone who gave up on me.”

Dilemmas of a Drama Queen/The Downside of Facebook

antifacebookIf you spoke with me for five minutes, you’d surely come to the conclusion that I am a pessimist.  You’d be right in your assumption.  I rarely look up when I’m walking, I hardly ever smile, and I constantly say nasty things about myself, things I wouldn’t say to my worst enemy.  Some negative traits I feel I exemplify might be perceived as non-existent by others who’ve met me.  Though, I can tell you with 99% certainty, that most people would agree with me when I profess that I am a drama queen.

It’s one characteristic of my personality that I am not ashamed of, at least, not when the overly dramatic words come out of my mouth.  See, I tend to also not think before I speak and afterwards I feel kind of stupid.  You know, you immediately think to yourself “Oh my God!  Did I really just say that out loud?  People are going to think I’m so weird.” Nevertheless, I get over those worries fairly quickly and it leads to conversation about what is really bothering me.  It also leads to good advice and sympathy at times.

You’re probably wondering why I’m leading in with this long introduction about being a drama queen.  Well, I’ve been overly dramatic over the past few days.  It has a little bit to do with the boy again, so bear with me.  In my previous post, I’d talked about reaching out to someone who hasn’t spoken to me in a long time.  It was a big, scary step for me, but I managed to work up the confidence to message him on Facebook.  It may not seem like a big deal to you, but for someone who is scared of rejection and believes that everyone hates her, it was huge.

By Saturday afternoon, I still had not received a response.  All I wanted was a response.  See what I mean by dramatic?  I jump to conclusions all the time.

 It was a "Jump to Conclusions" mat. You see, it would be this mat that you would put on the floor... and would have different CONCLUSIONS written on it that you could JUMP TO. ~ Courtesy of "Office Space"

It was a “Jump to Conclusions” mat. You see, it would be this mat that you would put on the floor… and would have different CONCLUSIONS written on it that you could JUMP TO. ~ Courtesy of “Office Space”

It’s all in the nature of being a drama queen.  I probably should have waited at least a week, but no, I promptly wrote a message to my only two friends that might notice I was gone, (I’m not quite sure if that previous statement is overly dramatic or truthful.  I do believe that no one else on Facebook notices I’m alive).  Basically, I thanked them for caring when everyone else who used to care had given up on me.  I told them I was deactivating my account and that they could contact me on my phone if need be.  Next, I went through with my plan and temporarily closed my account.  I plan to get back on Facebook eventually, but right now, it’s just contributing to my depression.

It’s silly, but I take everything very literally.  Facebook, though fun and useful at times, can also be really discouraging.  I’ve mentioned before, how I feel like a loser because I’m not where I want to be.  Well, sometimes, Facebook can make me feel like an even bigger loser than I already am.

Sometimes, Facebook feels like high school.  There are popular kids, jocks, geeks, goths, weirdos, creeps, etc.  I enjoyed my last two years of high school because I gradually felt like I belonged, like I wasn’t an outcast, like people liked me.  At times though, Facebook feels like those first two years, when I felt invisible.  This is precisely the reason I deactivated my account.  I can’t read about people who used to like me, enjoying life without me.  It makes me feel like I never mattered to them.

Perhaps I did make a rash decision by deactivating my account.  It’s only temporary though, and I believe I will benefit in the short-term.  I can’t be sucked into this popularity contest anymore, wondering how many people will “like” the new post I wrote or picture I posted.  I’m not ready to see a guy who used to like me, all over a girl who isn’t me.  I’m sick and tired of watching the people on the chat list and hoping that someone special will send me a message.

For the time being, I feel pretty good.  I’m trying not to be overly dramatic, thinking of him, and wondering what I did to push him away.  I’m tired of crying about major events that former friends may or may not be lying about.  This is why I’m leaving Facebook for a month.

Children?

Newborn

Newborn (Photo credit: juliecampbell)

I’m going off-topic today because frankly, my current challenge is lame and boring. I haven’t gossiped and I really don’t feel any different.  I’m sure it’s good for my soul.

Today I went on Facebook and found out that one of my friends from college (who I don’t speak with much anymore) has just had a baby.  The thing is, I could never, ever picture this girl as a mother.  Not that she will make a bad mother, it’s just that in college, we partied together, stayed up late together, got drunk and smoked together, etc.  I know that people grow up and have different priorities but when am I going to grow up?

I don’t particularly want to grow up.  I’m 31 and I have no desire to have children anytime soon.  I may want children one day and hopefully, I’ll be able to have them if I do want that life.  Right now, I still want to party and go to bars and meet new people and stay out late.  I feel like I will have no friends left if everyone continues to have babies.  What can I do with a friend who has kids?  Does your social life end when you have a child?

It’s all very confusing to me.  Is it wrong of me to not want children?  One time, I said to my therapist that I didn’t want children and he was shocked.  I could have told him I had homicidal tendencies and his reaction would have been tamer.

I feel that part of the reason I don’t want children is because I’ve missed out on a lot of milestones that most people have experienced.  I’ve never been in love.  I live with my parents.  I don’t enjoy time with friends nearly as often as I should.  I keep hoping that these experiences will happen and that I won’t die a recluse.  I wonder if I ever do find a man to love me, will I know how to act in a relationship?  Is it too late?

I guess my big question is: Is there life after having children?