Tag Archives: female problems

Overreacting?

bff

Awhile back, I wrote about how September was an awful month.  I realized recently that I didn’t write about the event that really ruined September for me.  It’s two months later, and it’s still bothering me so I figured I’d ask for some advice.

Throughout the majority of my life, I’d been friends with Molly.  We became friends when she was 6 and I was 7.  Up until our early twenties, she lived across the street from me.  We went to elementary, middle, and high school together.  We became especially close during the last two years of high school and we stayed that way throughout most of college.  We rode in the same limo to prom, we drove to school together before she got a car, we went clubbing together for the first time, we had our lockers next to each other, etc.  Circa eighth grade, we swore that we’d tell each other first when we lost our virginity and that we’d be each other’s maid of honor.  I felt important hanging out with her, she had greater “status” than me.  We considered ourselves, “best friends”.  To this day, many of my fondest memories involve some sort of escapade  with Molly.

Like most friendships, there were occasional setbacks.  In the beginning of eighth grade, we didn’t speak for about a month and I hated her.  The summer before our junior year of college, we had a falling out, I think it had to do with some of our non-mutual friends.  I told her I didn’t like her other friends for some reason.  We didn’t speak for five months this time around.  I hated her then too.  Both times, I believe she was the one to break the silence.  I’m a grudge-holder, and I refuse to apologize if I feel that my argument is justified.

After our issues, we rekindled our friendship.  We continued to confide in each other, we talked about our boy-dilemmas (mine was with Steve, even back then!), our school friends, our gripes with the world, everything.  I remember one New Year’s Eve, we went to this bar that we knew served under-age drinkers. We each danced with a guy, mine sang Usher to me (U Got it Bad), her “date” ate a bunch of olives and tried to kiss her.  We made fun of that night for years.  But I digress…The point is, we shared all of those things that make a pair of best friends.  (Which reminds me, do guys have best friends?)

The turning point came when I moved down south at 26.  It was December, I was planning to return home for Christmas.  She lived in the city where the local airport was located and she offered to pick me up and let me stay at her apartment.  She was going to go to her parents’ house the next day, so she agreed to drive me home.  It was a great arrangement.

Everything was going great.  She picked me up at the airport as she said she would.  We went to her place, I made fun of her parking saver (as we’d always tease each other, sarcastically), we made plans to go out to a bar, but she fell asleep. We decided we were both tired and we wouldn’t go out that night.

Later on, while she was resting, she got a phone call.  The guy that she had been seeing for a few months, had come home from Seattle.  I’m sure you know where this is going.  So she was too “tired” to hang out with me, but shockingly, she was full of energy when Matt called her.  This led to my dislike of my best friend.  The next day, as she drove me home, I was steaming and I realized all of her negative traits I’d overlooked for all those years.  It now bothered me that she was selfish and a snob.  I’m not even sure if I thought that earlier, but I definitely felt that way now.  Our friendship became strained, we didn’t talk on the phone much anymore, and in September of the following year, we corresponded via email for the last time.  I saw her about one year and a half later, but that was only because our mutual friend, Amy, wanted to see us both at Christmastime.

Now, after this long-winded post, I come to the point…This past September, on a Friday when I was getting ready for work, there were about twenty cars parked on my street.  They were all at Molly’s house, as I could see that there were a lot of cars parked in her driveway as well.  I didn’t think much of it.  The next day, a rare Saturday off from work, I noticed that there was still a great deal of cars parked at her parents’ house.  So I googled her name.

Imagine my surprise, when I find out that she is getting married (to that guy who lived in Seattle), on this day.  I flew into a rage (I’m not exaggerating, I was literally screaming and throwing things, and slamming doors.)    Yes, I admit that part of my anger stemmed from jealousy, but the majority of my anger was a result of being slighted.

Though at the time, we hadn’t been talking for about 5 years, we still had that twenty year history.  We had known each other for over twenty years; at one point, we thought of each other as a best friend.  I was so hurt.  There were a million emotions going through me when I discovered what was happening; hatred, jealousy, stress, sadness, anger, vengeance, etc.  I had no positive feelings towards her.  I even wrote a letter that I had planned to send, but I never did.  In the letter, I told her about how much I despised her, how hurt I felt, how she was never a real friend.  I am most proud about the end of my letter, when I wrote “I am not going to wish you a long and happy life together.  Instead, I wish for a short marriage ending in a long divorce which leaves you penniless.”  That is how much it stung.  As you can probably tell, I’m still bothered by it.

I talked to my coworkers about the events.  I wanted their opinions.  I was surprised to find out that they thought I was nuts for getting so upset about it.  My argument is that we’ve known each other for twenty-plus years, we were super-close for years, I think she should have at least emailed or sent me a letter about an event such as this.  As I mentioned earlier, we had once planned on serving as maid-of-honor to one another.  My coworkers unanimously agreed that I was overreacting.  What is your opinion on the issue?

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The Skank/Self-Esteem Connection and What Determines Attraction?

Before I get into my topic, I’d like to first make a statement.  Do you know how certain words can be nearly synonymous yet have very different meanings in context?  For example: slut, hoe, whore, and skank.  I choose to use the word, “skank”, as opposed to the more vulgar- sounding “slut”.  Have you ever noticed how much anger and hatred is behind “slut”?  From this point forward, I vow to never use the word “slut” in any posts.  If I do use it, call me out on it, please.

Now on to the topics at hand.  In my previous post, I wrote briefly about my mistake of gauging a man’s date-worthiness based upon his appearance.  And what a mistake it was! To bring you up to speed, I recently received a message to my online dating profile from a good-looking, hot-bodied man.  I had my doubts in this man but I chose to ignore them because he was attractive.  Against my better judgement, I gave him my number so we could text. Mind you, this was after we’d exchanged around five one-sentence messages between us.  Hence, my first error.

His second text to me, after the obligatory “hellos”, was “Are you thick with big boobs?”  This was my second indication that he wasn’t such a nice guy.  However, I continued texting him, (mistake #2) although I did write that he didn’t seem to want what I want (a relationship), to which he responded something along the lines of, “you don’t know me, how do you know what I want?” His angry comment made me feel like a jerk, so I apologized for doubting his intentions. Thus, my third error.

After texting for about two hours, (which was mostly him asking about my boobs and my “booty”), he suggested conversing via webcam.  I agreed to this, making it mistake number four.  I put on a little makeup, signed in, and we connected.  He asked me to show him my cleavage and I complied, error #5.  But when he asked me to take my top off, I finally made the right decision and told him that I didn’t feel right doing this and our conversation was kaput.

Now that little story up there does have a point and is relevant to my title.  After the interaction with this man (I’ll call him James), the first thing that came to mind was “How do I always meet men that don’t want a relationship?”  This question led to my next question, (as well as part of the title) “What determines attraction?”

Maybe it has happened to you, you tend to meet people who share similar personality traits, goals, flaws, etc. like they are all cut from the same cloth.  This is my case, I often meet men who aren’t interested in anything more than hooking up.  But why does this happen?  What about me attracts a man who isn’t into a relationship?  And of course, what is it that attracts me to men who aren’t into relationships?  I don’t have the answers and I’m not quite sure where to find them.

This leads me to the other portion of the title.  As mentioned in the last paragraph, I tend to be attracted somehow, to men who aren’t into anything serious, despite the fact that I desire a serious, loving, long-term relationship.  I am ashamed to say that in my dating past, I would give into my partner’s needs, while ignoring my own.  I would jump into bed too fast hoping for a relationship to happen. I’ll admit it, I could be skanky.

Over ten years ago, I lost my virginity on a first date.  I told myself that I just wanted to not be a virgin anymore.  Never in my life had I imagined this monumental event to happen like this. I pictured romance and “I love yous” being declared.  I don’t regret it, I’m just ashamed to admit that I behaved in this way.  This was the beginning of my skanky lifestyle (or so I thought).

I didn’t hook up with a new guy every night.  My number isn’t high, it’s less than ten.  But I did tend to rush into things with several men.  Whether it was a one-night-stand, making out with a stranger at the bar, or letting some guy I just met touch my boobs.  I did all sorts of things to get guys to like me.

This is where self-esteem enters the picture.  I’m not sure what other women would think, but I believe my self-esteem is connected to my intimate behavior.  I need to feel wanted and I need to please a man to get that adoration from him.  It’s reassuring to know that a man is interested in me and oftentimes, its his attraction that makes me feel worth it.

Though, truthfully, the majority of these men weren’t interested in me.  They preyed on my vulnerability and most-likely, could sense my need for validation.  I hate the fact that a man’s opinion of me can still hold such high-standing in my life.  I hate the fact that I can’t respect myself enough to not go too far with a new man.  But I must say, that I am proud of myself for not showing my breasts online to James the Jerk.  And I suppose it’s a start, it’s showing that I’m headed in the right direction.

For the future, if I ever do get a date again, I want him to earn my sexuality.  I want him to get to know me first, to really appreciate and care about me and my feelings.  I want to respect myself and I want my partner to respect me as well.  Most of all, I really want to experience sex and love together.  I’ve never had that pleasure and I am so intrigued about the connection that must be felt when making love to a man who cares as opposed to a man who just doesn’t want to leave the bar alone.  With any luck, I’ll be able to experience my dream.

Girls: Season 2, Episode 4

I don’t plan on making TV reviews a regular segment of mine, but I just had to share my thoughts on this past episode of HBO’s Girls.  I just got around to watching it tonight and I think this particular episode was superb.  I admit it sounds clichéd, but I laughed and I cried.  The acting and writing were fantastic and real and human.  It is my favorite episode of both seasons so far and that says a lot because when I started watching the show, it took me almost half the season to realize that I liked it.

FYI: I’m not going to summarize everything about the show, I’d just like to share the parts that really made an impact on me.

The title of this episode is “It’s a Shame About Ray”.  In this episode, Hannah hosts a dinner party at her apartment after her “divorce” from Elijah, while Jessa meets Thomas John’s parents.  And BTW: Griffin Dunn, whom I remember from movies I watched as a child, has aged dramatically.

Anyway, the entire show was great, but it was around the middle of the episode when I just fell in love with it.  Ray, Shoshanna’s boyfriend, has been mainly a background character throughout the series.  He was always enjoyable and great for a laugh, but he never stood out to me.  In this particular episode, there is a point where Shoshanna is angry at him.  She has just realized that Ray has basically been living with her for two weeks.  It never occurred to her that he wasn’t going home at night, he would always stay over.  She feels as if he’s been using her up to this point.  It’s after Ray admits that he is, essentially, homeless, that this conversation occurs:

“You’re older than me, you should have your own place,” says Shoshanna.

“I know, I know,” Ray replies.

“You should have like, more interests and passions and things that you…do. I mean, you get up everyday and sort of, just, there’s nothing. It’s like unless you’re going to work, you don’t have…any…you, you, you can’t pay for anything…”

Then Ray says “Just say it. Just fucking say it. I’m a loser. I’m a huge, fucking loser. Say it. Say it. You don’t think I was counting down the days until you figured it out?”

“Why didn’t you tell me that you had no house?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I wasn’t that excited to tell my beautiful, cute, smart 21-year old girlfriend that I’m a 33-year old homeless guy, whose one valuable possession in this world is a signed picture of Andy Kaufman.  I’m a fucking loser in a lot of ways Shoshanna, you know that? What makes me worth dating? What makes me worth fucking anything?”

At which point, Shoshanna tells him she’s falling in love with him and he later admits the same.  It’s not the falling in love part that gets to me here, I don’t believe in love.  It’s Ray’s statements about himself.  Everything Ray said made sense to me, it is exactly as I feel.  I love the way this particular dialogue is written.  It is so real.  And now, after watching it again (I had to get the quotes right), I’m tearing up.  Of all the characters on the show, I feel right now, that I can relate most to Ray.   His feelings about himself hit home with me.

Meanwhile, Jessa’s happy married life is falling apart.  She gets into a hateful shouting match with her husband, Thomas John, and both end up making vicious statements about each other.  Near the end of the argument, Thomas John labels Jessa a “whore with no work ethic”, to which Jessa replies by punching him in the face.  The argument ends with Thomas John asking Jessa how much it will cost to get her out of his life ($11,500), and Jessa, storming out of the apartment.

I knew that Jessa would not be one to stay tied down but I had hoped her marriage would last longer than this.  She seemed so stable for once.  It was so upsetting to see the marriage basically crash out of nowhere.

The final scene of the episode leads the viewer to Hannah’s apartment after her party.  Now, roommate-less, she sits in her bathtub with the bathroom door open, singing “Wonderwall”.  (I have to say, Lena Dunham’s voice is pretty good.  She stayed in-tune very well.)  Jessa walks in and Hannah screams, at first not knowing who is coming into her bathroom.  Hannah starts to get out of the tub and Jessa says “no, don’t get up” and she strips and gets in the other side of the tub with Hannah.  She starts to cry, and this is the part that gets to me, Hannah looks at her friend, with that face that says “I’m so sorry you feel that way, how can I make this better?” and she reaches out and grabs Jessa’s hand to comfort her.  After that, Hannah makes a joke which cuts the sad tone of the end of this episode.  And then, you hear that song starting in the background. What song?  Oasis’ “Wonderwall”.  The song was so perfect for the end of this episode, I just started crying.

Now, I know the getting into the bathtub thing with her friend was odd, but I could overlook it.  It was touching to see Hannah reach out to her friend and not act selfish, for once.  It makes me wish for a girl friend to have a shoulder to cry on.

I can’t say enough about this episode!  I think if you have the means, you should see it too.