Tag Archives: Food

This Upcoming Week Is Critical to My Success

Today I weighed in.  I gained 3.8 pounds.  In one week.  I feel gross.  After my disappointing weigh-in, I immediately imagined my trip to Super Walmart post-meeting, and what kinds of junk food I could purchase to binge on.  And earlier, I did just that.  I binged on a pint of Ben & Jerry’s “Mint Chocolate Cookie”, homemade tacos, and Smooth and Minty Melty Mints (or whatever they’re called).

The fact that they’re pastel makes them taste even more delicious!

This is classic behavior for me.  I put so much effort into my weight loss and then I get hungry or I feel deprived, and my effort all goes to shit.  It’s why I’m fat.  I was really off to a good start this time around.  I’ve lost more weight than I have in 5 years and I was getting compliments and clothes were fitting better and I just gave up.  Now, I’m back to having lost less than 20 pounds.  It was so important for me to lose those first 20 pounds.

That’s why it is so crucial that for the rest of this week, I really stick to the plan and do my tracking and exercise, even if it kills me.  And it is going to be tough.  I’m very certain of this.  I’m working tomorrow evening and after that, I have two weeks of freedom.  When my life isn’t structured (ie. when I’m not working), it is so much easier for me to forget the big picture.  I have no set schedule for anything, including dining.  When I’m not working, I can reach into those cupboards whenever I feel like it and grab something that may not be the best choice.

I am so worried.  I can’t give up.  I’ve done it so many times in the past.  I have all these dreams of what life will be like when I’m not an ogre.  Of course, I really don’t know if anything I picture will come true, but I do believe that if I’m normal-sized, certain scenarios will be more likely to become reality.  I like to imagine that when I’m normal, I’ll have more confidence, I’ll be able to have a relationship, I’ll be able to shop in the misses’ (or possibly, juniors’), department.

I’m 31, I’m running out of time to achieve my goals.  I hope I can survive and thrive during this week.




A Milestone Week Despite Some Setbacks

This week I reached a small milestone…I lost 1.6 pounds and I am now under 220 pounds (99.8 kg)!  This is really big and important to me.  For the past 4½ years, my weight has lingered around the 230-250 area.  Approximately 5 years ago, I made a big move back home (after living by myself in another state for a year).  The move was necessary to retain my sanity, yet it took a toll on my physical health.  I won’t go into any more details, but that is when my weight began to climb.  This milestone I reached today makes me feel that once again, I am headed in the right direction, I just need to get other areas of my life straightened out.

I am proud to say that I am continuing to follow the blogilates website and workout calendar and I am feeling a little bit stronger in performing some of the moves.  My next step forward, in achieving a healthy lifestyle, will be to return to the Y.  I continue to may my expensive membership fee, but I’m not going.  The truth is, I’m scared.  I know it’s irrational, but I am afraid that I will start working out and the gym-rats around me will all laugh at me.  I can admit this because I did a search and discovered that other people are afraid of this as well.  I’m going to keep trying to push myself to return and I know someday it’ll happen.  It would be so beneficial to be around other people.

It’s obvious that everything hasn’t been all “peachy-keen”.  There’s actually an issue that’s been bothering me for several weeks, and I just haven’t felt like bringing it up.  It’s regarding Steve again, so if you don’t want to listen to me whine about the-one-that-got-away, I totally understand, you can quit reading now.

Back in March or February of this year, Steve posted on my Facebook timeline about an event, he wrote “I thought of you” with a link to said event.  For months, I’d been hoping he’d contact me to invite me to go with him.  He never contacted me, so I figured, he’s so busy, he probably can’t go.  So, on the night of the event, I went on Facebook like usual, and lo-and-behold, my newsfeed shows a status update from him about the event.

Needless to say, I was very upset.  I’ve been with him to similar events before, he couldn’t have just invited me.  I immediately felt that feeling, like a punch in the gut, that I get whenever I feel slighted.  I didn’t expect him to hurt me like that, but I know I should expect it, he’s not the same person I knew several years ago.  I cannot wait until I lose 60 pounds (my halfway point).  I’m going to put a picture on Facebook of my progress and hopefully, he’ll feel regret for not keeping in touch with me.  But of course, I often fantasize about the way I want things to go and when it actually happens, it doesn’t pan out like I’d hoped.

I’d like to end this post in a positive/funny way.  Today I went to a department store and purchased some typical household items (shampoo, sunscreen, etc.) and some personal lubricant.  Yes, I admit it, I purchased tingling lubricant, figuring it’d just be a quick buy and the cashier would scan it and just throw it in the bag, not paying much attention to my purchases.  The cashier scanned my items, I payed.  Then, when she handed me the bag, she said “Have fun!”  I have to wonder what she meant by that.  Was she telling me to enjoy my lube?


I’m Almost There….

Have you ever been on a weight loss plan, and if so, have you ever had one of those weeks where you were 99% certain that you would see results on weigh-in day?  This past week was one of those weeks.  One week ago, I made a vow to myself to count every point I put in my mouth.  See, that’s what I’m supposed to do, but often it slips my mind, or I am so embarrassed by everything I’ve eaten that I don’t want to record it, or I just give up and go on a feeding frenzy.  I didn’t give up this past week and it was one of my most successful weeks!

I lost 3.8 pounds (1.72 kg) this week and it feels fantastic!  I’ve lost a total of 18.5 pounds and people are really starting to notice!  I love hearing people say that I’ve been doing well.  It is such a motivator, and believe me, I need all the motivation I can get!  Back in March, when I lost 2 pounds at my first weigh-in, I thought I’d never get this far.  It feels phenomenal, and I’m really looking forward to being attractive.

My plan is to put a picture of myself on Facebook when I’ve lost 60 pounds (27.22 kg).  I want to lose a total of 120 pounds (54.43 kg) so 60 is my halfway point.  I want people to be proud of me and to realize that I’m trying to improve my life. Most of all, I want a compliment from the boy.

I should mention that I have been doing a great job of going to Weight Watchers meetings. I’ve joined and quit after about a month for the past 3 times I’ve joined Weight Watchers (I hope that makes sense).  This time around, I’ve been going for almost 3 months.  I don’t know where this motivation is coming from, but I’m pretty stoked about it!  Perhaps I’m becoming a glass-half-full kind of gal?  The other day, I was thinking and I said to myself, “It will take forever to lose all this weight.”  Then, my optimistic side took over and said “I’ve lost almost 20 pounds, that’s a huge accomplishment!”  Hopefully, next week I’ll be able to say that I’ve lost 20 pounds total.  Once I’ve lost 20, I’m going to take my camera out again and show my before/after shots and stats.

My First Week on Weight Watchers

A couple weeks ago, I wrote about re-joining Weight Watchers.  I am proud to say that I went to my second meeting yesterday!  (I didn’t write about my first meeting as there really wasn’t much to say about it.)  If you’ve ever been to Weight Watchers, you know the drill.  You show up, a volunteer weighs you in, you gather in a room and wait for the meeting to start.  The meeting portion is run by a leader/member who has succeeded on the Weight Watchers program in the past.  During the meeting, she’ll bring up a topic, and the more assertive members will discuss the topic, while everyone else listens.  Meetings tend to be about 30 to 45 minutes long.  

Anyway, I went to my second meeting yesterday.  This means I’ve been on the program for one week.  Typically, on my second weigh-in, I tend to lose a large amount of weight, for instance, 4 or 5 pounds.  I lost two.  Those two pounds ruined my entire day.  At work, I was able to hold it in and when I finally got to my car, I just burst into tears.  I had several crying fits on the ride home as well.  I don’t believe my mood was affected by the two pounds.  I think I feel this way because I’m just realizing how long this journey will take.

When I began my weight loss crusade, (last week), I weighed in at 237.8.  This is actually less than what I weighed last July, which was 251 pounds.  To give you an idea of how this weight is distributed, I am 5’7½” tall.  I intend to post a current picture soon.

Eventually, I would like to weigh 120 pounds,  It is so overwhelming to imagine how long it’ll take me to lose all that weight.  The scariest thing for me is the thought that I will be 35 by the time I lose the weight and no one will want me.  It’s making my eyes moist just thinking about it.

I’m still not at the point where I believe I’m worth it.  If a man were to compliment me, then I might believe him.  I can remember being in college and having female friends tell me “It doesn’t matter what I think, the only compliments that matter to you come from men.”  That is still true to this day.  I can’t believe I’m attractive or interesting unless a male peer tells me so.

Unfortunately, I don’t think someone will want to date me until I’ve lost 80 pounds.  It is going to take forever to lose 80 pounds.  It upsets me more than anything to think that I could spend another 2 years trying to lose the weight so that I can finally date.

I suppose I should be proud of myself for starting this journey.  It’s a big step for me.  I just can’t stop thinking of the time that I will spend being fat.  More than anything, I want to hear compliments.  I can’t spend my entire life hating myself.

Challenge #4 – Day 9

I finally have my appetite back, (I don’t know whether that’s good or bad), but I didn’t do well with my resolution today. I was in a rush so I didn’t have much time to make good food for myself. Do you know what I’ve realized? Eating three meals really does make me less likely to pick at food. Today, I didn’t eat breakfast or lunch and I was pretty hungry even after dinner so I ended up having a second dinner and several cookies. I’m disappointed in myself.

Speaking of being disappointed, I had this beautiful picture in my head of what this blog would be. It isn’t anywhere near what I envisioned. I wanted to connect with lots of people and be interesting, but I’ve done neither of those things. I’m losing steam here.

Challenge #4 – Day 1

I was supposed to eat three meals per day today. I succeeded with that, however, I found myself over-indulging for dessert and for my late night snack. At work, I went to the pastry shop and bought myself another piece of chocolate cake. Then, I got home and I ate about ten crackers with pepper jack cheese on top.

I don’t know if you do this too, but if I slip up once during the day, I tend to just say “screw it” and then eat whatever is around me. “It’s okay, I’ll start tomorrow” I say. Then tomorrow comes and I slip up again and the cycle continues.

I’d like to learn to make a mistake and then get right back on track. If I continue the way I did today, then I’ll just be setting myself up for failure. Wish me luck for a better tomorrow!

Challenge #4

The Challenge: During this time period, I resolve to eat three meals per day.

The History: I can’t remember the last time I ate like I should on a regular basis. I want to eat like a normal person, that means breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a snack. Currently, my eating schedule is erratic. I work the 3-11:30 PM shift, so I tend to get up at 10 in the morning, watch some TV or use the computer while picking at some sort of convenient food. I go back to bed around 11 AM and sleep until about 12:30 or 1:00 PM. When I get up, I spend my time getting ready for work, and then I leave at 1:45 PM. On the way to work, I’ll stop at Dunkin’ and pick up a coffee, sometimes I’ll grab a donut or pastry to go with it. I’ll get to work at 2:30 and then I won’t eat until 7:30 PM. At that time, I’ll have one of my Lean Cuisines and maybe a bag of Fritos from the vending machine. If I get hungry while I’m working, I may stop at the shop that sells baked treats, like cookies, pastries, and cakes. When I finally get home at around 12:20, I usually fix myself a snack, like cookies or cheese and crackers.

The Reasons: I’ve heard that people who eat three meals per day, without skipping a meal, tend to be healthier than those who avoid certain meals or eat erratically, like myself. Think about it, when you skip meals, you’re body feels starved, so the next time you allow yourself to eat, you’ll most likely overeat. You will feel the need to shovel food into your mouth, mindlessly eating whatever is convenient.

The Benefits: Hopefully, this simple change to my diet will help me to lose weight and really gauge when I’m physically hungry as opposed to emotionally hungry. 

The Plan: This will be a bit difficult. For one thing, I’ll have to allow myself more time in the morning which means, I’ll have to wake up earlier just so I can eat. It’s always most difficult on the first day. As I progress, it will be much easier to adjust to this new schedule.

I’ve already completed the other part of this plan, and that part involved purchasing food. I went to the store last night and selected things that I could eat for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks.

The Time Period: I’d like to work on this challenge for two weeks.


Taken today: this is what I want to change.