Tag Archives: friendship

Overreacting?

bff

Awhile back, I wrote about how September was an awful month.  I realized recently that I didn’t write about the event that really ruined September for me.  It’s two months later, and it’s still bothering me so I figured I’d ask for some advice.

Throughout the majority of my life, I’d been friends with Molly.  We became friends when she was 6 and I was 7.  Up until our early twenties, she lived across the street from me.  We went to elementary, middle, and high school together.  We became especially close during the last two years of high school and we stayed that way throughout most of college.  We rode in the same limo to prom, we drove to school together before she got a car, we went clubbing together for the first time, we had our lockers next to each other, etc.  Circa eighth grade, we swore that we’d tell each other first when we lost our virginity and that we’d be each other’s maid of honor.  I felt important hanging out with her, she had greater “status” than me.  We considered ourselves, “best friends”.  To this day, many of my fondest memories involve some sort of escapade  with Molly.

Like most friendships, there were occasional setbacks.  In the beginning of eighth grade, we didn’t speak for about a month and I hated her.  The summer before our junior year of college, we had a falling out, I think it had to do with some of our non-mutual friends.  I told her I didn’t like her other friends for some reason.  We didn’t speak for five months this time around.  I hated her then too.  Both times, I believe she was the one to break the silence.  I’m a grudge-holder, and I refuse to apologize if I feel that my argument is justified.

After our issues, we rekindled our friendship.  We continued to confide in each other, we talked about our boy-dilemmas (mine was with Steve, even back then!), our school friends, our gripes with the world, everything.  I remember one New Year’s Eve, we went to this bar that we knew served under-age drinkers. We each danced with a guy, mine sang Usher to me (U Got it Bad), her “date” ate a bunch of olives and tried to kiss her.  We made fun of that night for years.  But I digress…The point is, we shared all of those things that make a pair of best friends.  (Which reminds me, do guys have best friends?)

The turning point came when I moved down south at 26.  It was December, I was planning to return home for Christmas.  She lived in the city where the local airport was located and she offered to pick me up and let me stay at her apartment.  She was going to go to her parents’ house the next day, so she agreed to drive me home.  It was a great arrangement.

Everything was going great.  She picked me up at the airport as she said she would.  We went to her place, I made fun of her parking saver (as we’d always tease each other, sarcastically), we made plans to go out to a bar, but she fell asleep. We decided we were both tired and we wouldn’t go out that night.

Later on, while she was resting, she got a phone call.  The guy that she had been seeing for a few months, had come home from Seattle.  I’m sure you know where this is going.  So she was too “tired” to hang out with me, but shockingly, she was full of energy when Matt called her.  This led to my dislike of my best friend.  The next day, as she drove me home, I was steaming and I realized all of her negative traits I’d overlooked for all those years.  It now bothered me that she was selfish and a snob.  I’m not even sure if I thought that earlier, but I definitely felt that way now.  Our friendship became strained, we didn’t talk on the phone much anymore, and in September of the following year, we corresponded via email for the last time.  I saw her about one year and a half later, but that was only because our mutual friend, Amy, wanted to see us both at Christmastime.

Now, after this long-winded post, I come to the point…This past September, on a Friday when I was getting ready for work, there were about twenty cars parked on my street.  They were all at Molly’s house, as I could see that there were a lot of cars parked in her driveway as well.  I didn’t think much of it.  The next day, a rare Saturday off from work, I noticed that there was still a great deal of cars parked at her parents’ house.  So I googled her name.

Imagine my surprise, when I find out that she is getting married (to that guy who lived in Seattle), on this day.  I flew into a rage (I’m not exaggerating, I was literally screaming and throwing things, and slamming doors.)    Yes, I admit that part of my anger stemmed from jealousy, but the majority of my anger was a result of being slighted.

Though at the time, we hadn’t been talking for about 5 years, we still had that twenty year history.  We had known each other for over twenty years; at one point, we thought of each other as a best friend.  I was so hurt.  There were a million emotions going through me when I discovered what was happening; hatred, jealousy, stress, sadness, anger, vengeance, etc.  I had no positive feelings towards her.  I even wrote a letter that I had planned to send, but I never did.  In the letter, I told her about how much I despised her, how hurt I felt, how she was never a real friend.  I am most proud about the end of my letter, when I wrote “I am not going to wish you a long and happy life together.  Instead, I wish for a short marriage ending in a long divorce which leaves you penniless.”  That is how much it stung.  As you can probably tell, I’m still bothered by it.

I talked to my coworkers about the events.  I wanted their opinions.  I was surprised to find out that they thought I was nuts for getting so upset about it.  My argument is that we’ve known each other for twenty-plus years, we were super-close for years, I think she should have at least emailed or sent me a letter about an event such as this.  As I mentioned earlier, we had once planned on serving as maid-of-honor to one another.  My coworkers unanimously agreed that I was overreacting.  What is your opinion on the issue?

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The Downside of Facebook

It is a huge weight off my shoulders to be off of Facebook for the time being. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried it, but it really makes a difference, especially if you are like me. You see, I tend to be quite dramatic.  Deep down, I know that most people on Facebook only post statuses about the positive events in their lives. I know that there is so much that goes unsaid on Facebook.  However, I can’t help but stress out about those positive life events of others. I can’t help but feel inadequate.

There are actually two things that led to my most recent Facebook sabbatical.  Number one is no surprise: Steve.  It just hurts so much to get my hopes up that he will talk to me.  I’ll be online for 3 hours and it will show that he is available for chat, yet he never contacts me, never. Years ago, we’d always find a way to talk. This is going back to the time that IMing was popular. Remember AOL Instant Messenger? Anyway, we used to “talk” once a week, at least. I miss him so much, but he won’t even notice that I’m gone.

There is a second reason that I gave Facebook a break.  My friend, Katie, posted that she moved into her own apartment.  This is very distressing to me.  For the longest time, Katie was as pathetic as I am.  She lived at home with her parents, was making minimum wage, and she was single.  It’s hard to be the only one of my former group who still lives at home with her parents.  I’m always stressing about people judging me.  People tell me that it doesn’t matter, but I don’t believe them.

I’m sure everyone who knows about my situation must think I’m a total loser.  I have no other way to describe myself.  I am headed in the right direction, but its so difficult to envision the future. I keep living in the past.  This reminds me of something I saw recently on Tumblr.

This is so true, yet so hard to live by. I’m trying to work on this.

 

 

Back At It

Hey, long time, no see. I haven’t abandoned the blog, I just got sucked into a blog-related project. I’ve been trying my hand at graphic design so that I can change the appearance of this beast. I really want Little Resolutions to look somewhat professional. Through this process of transformation, I’ve become hyper-aware of little quirks that distinguish me as obsessive-compulsive. For instance, I’ve been so wrapped up in perfecting my redesign, that I totally neglected the most important feature of any blog: posting.

You’re probably wondering what I’ve been up to since I started my little project.  I’ve continued to attend Weight Watchers’ meetings. I’ve lost more than 26 pounds and it feels great! I’m hoping to reach 30 pounds by the end of August. It’s taking me a long time but I think thirty pounds by the end of this month is do-able. Four more pounds to lose, wish me luck!

I’m hoping to lose about 45 pounds by early October. I think this number is achievable. Why early October? Well, I’m going to a concert for a band I’ve loved for eons. There will be boys there! Most importantly though, Steve might be going! Of course, I’m not certain that he’s thinking of attending the show. I do know, however, that he is also a fan of this band, as well as being a fan of live shows. My fingers are crossed!

I fantasize about seeing him there. I do this every time I’m excited about something. I imagine intimate conversations in which the perfect dialogue exists. I imagine all my dreams coming true and living “happily ever after.” I’m not psychic, so these fictional events never become reality.

What I’m hoping for this time, is for him to be at this concert. I want him to see me and remember me and miss me. I want him to notice that I’ve lost weight (over 20 pounds since I last saw him!). I want him to tell me I’m beautiful again.

On top of all the desires I’ve listed above, the thing I want the most is, to hurt him, really hurt him. I want to hurt him like he’s hurt me. I want to make him feel ignored and undesirable. I want to make him feel damaged. My tried-and-true solution is The Silent Treatment. I know from experience (from both sides), that it works. People hate to be ignored, the receiver is left wondering what he/she did to deserve it. I shouldn’t be so vindictive, but it brings me such sweet satisfaction.

 

Not Ready To Give Up Just Yet

I’d almost given up.  I thought about it.  I’ve been questioning my ability to lose weight and I’ve missed two weeks of Weight Watchers since I’d last written.  For a little while, I had given up on this blog as well.  There aren’t a lot of people interested in what I have to say and I don’t always see the results I had hoped for.  But then I realized that I’m writing this blog for myself.  The comments and followers and likes I get are just bonuses.  I’m keeping this blog so that some day I can look back and see how far I’ve come.  

Lately, I haven’t gotten very far.  I’ve now lost a total of 14.7 pounds.  I had really hoped to be 20 pounds lighter by this time.  But during those weeks where I gave in to my cravings or just said “oh, what the hell?”, I didn’t progress.  I’m proud to say that over the past week, I lost 1.2 pounds and feel that I am headed on the right track once again.

I’d like to see a decent weight loss by the end of the summer.  I know that I will not be under 200 pounds by Labor Day, that’s just unrealistic.  But, I do believe I can lose a total of 30 pounds by that time.  I’m almost halfway there!

In other parts of my life, I haven’t improved much.  I’m still hoping that he will contact me.  I go on Facebook each night in anticipation of chatting with him.  It doesn’t happen.  I’m too afraid to say anything to him in fear that we will have nothing to say to each other.  It’s like a dull ache that I try to ignore while living my life and then there are times where the pain just takes over and feels like a fresh punch to the gut.  

I don’t know how anyone can care so much for someone but hate that someone so much at the same time.  From experience, I’ve gathered that the people who can hurt me the most are the ones I care for the most.  I just want so much to stop caring because it’s obvious that he could care less about me.  

What I’m really afraid of, is not taking a chance with someone else because there’s still this hope deep inside, this hope that we will rectify our broken friendship and eventually, he’ll tell me I’m beautiful again.  It’s such a contradiction to who I am.  I think of myself as a cynic–the ultimate pessimist–but I still have this hope.  I want the hope to go away so that I can just forget about him.  

May 11

I went to Weight Watchers today.  I’m excited to say that I only gained 0.2 pounds after skipping last week and going on a serious eating binge.  See, I’m trying to be positive! Honestly, I was so certain that I was going to gain at least 2 pounds, so to see that I only went up two-tenths was a relief.  I’m proud to say I’m back on track and staying within my daily points target.  I hope, in the next couple of weeks, to see a total loss of 15 pounds.  I’m keeping my fingers crossed!  I still feel pretty good and I can tell that my pants fit looser.  In fact, my pants kind of look ridiculous right now, as they hang off my butt.

Not much is new since I last posted.  I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided on what I would like to go to grad school for.  I’m going to get a mathematics-related degree.  I really enjoy math and all the figuring and hard work that goes into it.  I feel so accomplished when I’ve arrived at an answer!

However, I’m not quite sure how to get back to school.  Before I can get into grad school, I’ll need to take about 4 pre-reqs, as well as, get a decent score on the GRE.  I’m already studying for the test, so I’m not super-worried about that.  I am worried about the courses though because I don’t know how I will ever afford to take those classes.  Sadly, I’m that broke.  I would feel so much better about myself if I were taking classes.  I would finally feel like I’m doing something with my life.

Speaking of my life, I would really like to have a social-life.  I’m going to ask for some advice here.  How exactly, do I meet people now that I’m not in school?  It is so difficult now.  I want to meet new people, but it’s not like I’m around my peers all the time like I was when I was in college or even high school.

I desperately want to have friends that I can call and hang out with.  It would be so much healthier.  I envy those people who can just charm everyone around them.  How do they do it?  Why am I so socially inept?  Am I destined to be friend-less?

Long-Term Goals

Let’s talk long-term goals.  I’m not referring to goals I want to achieve in 5 years, I’m talking about goals I want to accomplish by December 31, 2013.  I have some goals in mind, like losing 10% of my starting weight and quitting smoking, but those goals do not have a time limit.

I have 3 major goals that I want to reach by the end of this year.  These may not seem that important to you, but to me, they are essential.  As you’ve probably read before, I need to be motivated.  And, as you’ve also probably read before, I’m quite depressed.  Lack of motivation and depression go hand-in-hand.  When you see those commercials for anti-depressants, take a closer look.  The drug companies aren’t lying.  Those commercials do give a very accurate picture of depression.  I feel that setting these long-term goals will be motivating for me.  For once, I’ll have a purpose.

Goal #1 – I intend to get back into the pool by the end of 2013.  

Way back in 4th and 5th grade, I was a competitive swimmer.  I have no idea why I gave it up.  Most likely, I quit because of the cost.  I belonged to a local, private swim club that was comprised not only of kids like me, but also a lot of snooty kids.  I believe it cost about $200 for the year and my middle-class parents couldn’t afford to send me anymore.

The pool was 25 yards long with 8 lanes and was housed at my high school.  I still remember the smell of the pool when I walked into the big, steamy room.  It smelled like chlorine of course, but not a strong, unpleasant bleach smell.  Anytime I walk into a pool room now, the smell brings me back and I long to be in it.

A lap pool feels like home to me.  Swimming was the one athletic activity that I was good at.  And from what I remember, I was really good.  My parents used to tell me that when they’d watch from the bleachers, people would comment to them about my performance.  I love feeling strong and able when I pull myself through the water.

Though I’m out of shape now, I still consider myself a swimmer.  I always will.  However, the last time I swam at the Y, I felt like a fool.  I couldn’t swim the whole way across without stopping and catching my breath.  I’m sure that is due to my being obese and the smoking.  Although my last attempt was so pitiful, I have every intention of getting back into the pool and I really hope to do that by the end of 2013.

Goal #2 – I will be a size 16 by the end of 2013

To most people, a size 16 wouldn’t be something to work towards.  To me, getting into a size 16 would be an accomplishment.  I’m currently a size 18/20.  Eighteen for some brands, twenty for others.  The last time I wore a size 16 was about 5 years ago.

There are a couple reasons why I picked this size.  First, I feel like it is a number that is attainable by the end of this year.  If I’d said a size 10, I know for certain that I would not be able to wear that size by December 31 of 2013.  Secondly, I feel that when I can fit into a size 16, it will finally start looking like I’ve lost weight.

Goal #3 – I will apply for college by the end of 2013

This is a huge goal for me.  I’ve known for quite some time that I need to go back to school.  I did get a Bachelor’s Degree in Elementary Education, however, I don’t like teaching.  It was a bad choice for me.  I’m so lost right now, I’m not quite sure what I want to do.  I’m terrified of making a mistake again and having nothing to show for it except student loan debt.

I’m leaning towards two very different career paths, either medical or finance.  I intend to make a decision soon and apply for college.  If I take classes, I feel like I will appear to be taking charge of my life.  It’s important for me to do well in life, but I also must admit that it is important to me to have others see that I’m not a screw-up.

That’s what I feel like right now, a big screw-up.  My counselor and co-workers keep telling me that people aren’t making fun of me about my status, but I can’t get that thought out of my head.  I hate telling people that I am a 31 year old living at home with her parents, with no relationship, no social life,  and no friends.  (Okay, I exaggerated a bit, I have some friends, but not many.)  I feel like I can’t meet new friends or a boyfriend, not only because I’m fat, but also because I am going nowhere.  I need to move on.  I think the way to do that is to go back to school and find a career that not only brings me enjoyment, but also financial security.

These are my three big goals for the end of 2013.  I sincerely hope to accomplish each and possibly bring a little happiness into my life.  Maybe 2013 will be my best year in a long time!

Dilemmas of a Drama Queen/The Downside of Facebook

antifacebookIf you spoke with me for five minutes, you’d surely come to the conclusion that I am a pessimist.  You’d be right in your assumption.  I rarely look up when I’m walking, I hardly ever smile, and I constantly say nasty things about myself, things I wouldn’t say to my worst enemy.  Some negative traits I feel I exemplify might be perceived as non-existent by others who’ve met me.  Though, I can tell you with 99% certainty, that most people would agree with me when I profess that I am a drama queen.

It’s one characteristic of my personality that I am not ashamed of, at least, not when the overly dramatic words come out of my mouth.  See, I tend to also not think before I speak and afterwards I feel kind of stupid.  You know, you immediately think to yourself “Oh my God!  Did I really just say that out loud?  People are going to think I’m so weird.” Nevertheless, I get over those worries fairly quickly and it leads to conversation about what is really bothering me.  It also leads to good advice and sympathy at times.

You’re probably wondering why I’m leading in with this long introduction about being a drama queen.  Well, I’ve been overly dramatic over the past few days.  It has a little bit to do with the boy again, so bear with me.  In my previous post, I’d talked about reaching out to someone who hasn’t spoken to me in a long time.  It was a big, scary step for me, but I managed to work up the confidence to message him on Facebook.  It may not seem like a big deal to you, but for someone who is scared of rejection and believes that everyone hates her, it was huge.

By Saturday afternoon, I still had not received a response.  All I wanted was a response.  See what I mean by dramatic?  I jump to conclusions all the time.

 It was a "Jump to Conclusions" mat. You see, it would be this mat that you would put on the floor... and would have different CONCLUSIONS written on it that you could JUMP TO. ~ Courtesy of "Office Space"

It was a “Jump to Conclusions” mat. You see, it would be this mat that you would put on the floor… and would have different CONCLUSIONS written on it that you could JUMP TO. ~ Courtesy of “Office Space”

It’s all in the nature of being a drama queen.  I probably should have waited at least a week, but no, I promptly wrote a message to my only two friends that might notice I was gone, (I’m not quite sure if that previous statement is overly dramatic or truthful.  I do believe that no one else on Facebook notices I’m alive).  Basically, I thanked them for caring when everyone else who used to care had given up on me.  I told them I was deactivating my account and that they could contact me on my phone if need be.  Next, I went through with my plan and temporarily closed my account.  I plan to get back on Facebook eventually, but right now, it’s just contributing to my depression.

It’s silly, but I take everything very literally.  Facebook, though fun and useful at times, can also be really discouraging.  I’ve mentioned before, how I feel like a loser because I’m not where I want to be.  Well, sometimes, Facebook can make me feel like an even bigger loser than I already am.

Sometimes, Facebook feels like high school.  There are popular kids, jocks, geeks, goths, weirdos, creeps, etc.  I enjoyed my last two years of high school because I gradually felt like I belonged, like I wasn’t an outcast, like people liked me.  At times though, Facebook feels like those first two years, when I felt invisible.  This is precisely the reason I deactivated my account.  I can’t read about people who used to like me, enjoying life without me.  It makes me feel like I never mattered to them.

Perhaps I did make a rash decision by deactivating my account.  It’s only temporary though, and I believe I will benefit in the short-term.  I can’t be sucked into this popularity contest anymore, wondering how many people will “like” the new post I wrote or picture I posted.  I’m not ready to see a guy who used to like me, all over a girl who isn’t me.  I’m sick and tired of watching the people on the chat list and hoping that someone special will send me a message.

For the time being, I feel pretty good.  I’m trying not to be overly dramatic, thinking of him, and wondering what I did to push him away.  I’m tired of crying about major events that former friends may or may not be lying about.  This is why I’m leaving Facebook for a month.