Tag Archives: goals

I’m back, for a little while anyway. I’ve had every intention to write for quite some time and I’ve just never gotten around to it. For once, I have a little extra time and I’m going to take that time to do something I’ve missed.

I have been busy. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been back in school. I’m taking two online math courses from a community college in anticipation of going to grad school. You know what? It feels great to be exercising my brain once again! For me, it is very rewarding to come up with a solution to a math problem. I realize now, that I am a nerd, but I take great pride in that. Though I still feel lost, I feel like I’m slowly but surely discovering what I want to do in life, as well as, who I am. The pieces of the puzzle are coming together. Maybe I’m entering my second puberty?

Like puberty, there are setbacks in my life. In my last rambling post, I talked about how my weight hasn’t been changing. This is still true. I am not gaining, but not losing either. It’s not realistic anymore to think I will reach a 40 pound total weight loss by the end of 2013. I do have hope though, that I will surpass this rough spot, somehow. I really want to go to the Y, but I am so afraid of how I will be received, that it keeps me from getting there. It’s an irrational fear, I know. I’ve always had this hang-up about going to a gym. What if people point and laugh at me? I hope that very soon, I can walk in there and work out and be happy with myself.

My love life still sucks. I temporarily deactivated my okcupid account because I cannot get over Steve. I’ve also deactivated Facebook for the same reason. I want him to talk to me, but he won’t and I can’t deal. I can’t sit there, staring at my Facebook chat, and hoping for him to say “hello”. All I can hope for is to lose weight and be hot and put up a new picture of myself with someone fantastic so that I can make him jealous. Maybe he’ll remember me then? Anyway, until I’m healthier mentally, I can’t be faced with him, I can’t have any reminders of him. Someday I will be stronger and able to cope. I’m working on it, I really am.





One Down, Two to Go

I spoke of goals a while back.  I’m proud to say that I’ve achieved one of my long-term goals for 2013. I am signed up to take classes this semester! It is my first step towards my future career. I decided to do online courses because it’s just easier for me. I’m only fulfilling some prerequisites right now, but it feels great to know I’ll be learning again! I have every intention of getting an A in each math class so that I can apply to a certain prestigious school when I’ve completed my prereqs.

In my post about goals, I revealed that I really want to swim again. I haven’t started swimming yet, but I have a pretty good idea of how I will get into that. I’ve recently learned about Masters Swimming. I am looking forward to being part of a team, as well as competing. There are just two things preventing me from swimming: smoking (because swimming can leave me breathless), and my boobs (because I’m afraid they will escape my swimsuit). I hope that I can stop smoking and start swimming. Nothing makes me feel more empowered than swimming.

Long-Term Goals

Let’s talk long-term goals.  I’m not referring to goals I want to achieve in 5 years, I’m talking about goals I want to accomplish by December 31, 2013.  I have some goals in mind, like losing 10% of my starting weight and quitting smoking, but those goals do not have a time limit.

I have 3 major goals that I want to reach by the end of this year.  These may not seem that important to you, but to me, they are essential.  As you’ve probably read before, I need to be motivated.  And, as you’ve also probably read before, I’m quite depressed.  Lack of motivation and depression go hand-in-hand.  When you see those commercials for anti-depressants, take a closer look.  The drug companies aren’t lying.  Those commercials do give a very accurate picture of depression.  I feel that setting these long-term goals will be motivating for me.  For once, I’ll have a purpose.

Goal #1 – I intend to get back into the pool by the end of 2013.  

Way back in 4th and 5th grade, I was a competitive swimmer.  I have no idea why I gave it up.  Most likely, I quit because of the cost.  I belonged to a local, private swim club that was comprised not only of kids like me, but also a lot of snooty kids.  I believe it cost about $200 for the year and my middle-class parents couldn’t afford to send me anymore.

The pool was 25 yards long with 8 lanes and was housed at my high school.  I still remember the smell of the pool when I walked into the big, steamy room.  It smelled like chlorine of course, but not a strong, unpleasant bleach smell.  Anytime I walk into a pool room now, the smell brings me back and I long to be in it.

A lap pool feels like home to me.  Swimming was the one athletic activity that I was good at.  And from what I remember, I was really good.  My parents used to tell me that when they’d watch from the bleachers, people would comment to them about my performance.  I love feeling strong and able when I pull myself through the water.

Though I’m out of shape now, I still consider myself a swimmer.  I always will.  However, the last time I swam at the Y, I felt like a fool.  I couldn’t swim the whole way across without stopping and catching my breath.  I’m sure that is due to my being obese and the smoking.  Although my last attempt was so pitiful, I have every intention of getting back into the pool and I really hope to do that by the end of 2013.

Goal #2 – I will be a size 16 by the end of 2013

To most people, a size 16 wouldn’t be something to work towards.  To me, getting into a size 16 would be an accomplishment.  I’m currently a size 18/20.  Eighteen for some brands, twenty for others.  The last time I wore a size 16 was about 5 years ago.

There are a couple reasons why I picked this size.  First, I feel like it is a number that is attainable by the end of this year.  If I’d said a size 10, I know for certain that I would not be able to wear that size by December 31 of 2013.  Secondly, I feel that when I can fit into a size 16, it will finally start looking like I’ve lost weight.

Goal #3 – I will apply for college by the end of 2013

This is a huge goal for me.  I’ve known for quite some time that I need to go back to school.  I did get a Bachelor’s Degree in Elementary Education, however, I don’t like teaching.  It was a bad choice for me.  I’m so lost right now, I’m not quite sure what I want to do.  I’m terrified of making a mistake again and having nothing to show for it except student loan debt.

I’m leaning towards two very different career paths, either medical or finance.  I intend to make a decision soon and apply for college.  If I take classes, I feel like I will appear to be taking charge of my life.  It’s important for me to do well in life, but I also must admit that it is important to me to have others see that I’m not a screw-up.

That’s what I feel like right now, a big screw-up.  My counselor and co-workers keep telling me that people aren’t making fun of me about my status, but I can’t get that thought out of my head.  I hate telling people that I am a 31 year old living at home with her parents, with no relationship, no social life,  and no friends.  (Okay, I exaggerated a bit, I have some friends, but not many.)  I feel like I can’t meet new friends or a boyfriend, not only because I’m fat, but also because I am going nowhere.  I need to move on.  I think the way to do that is to go back to school and find a career that not only brings me enjoyment, but also financial security.

These are my three big goals for the end of 2013.  I sincerely hope to accomplish each and possibly bring a little happiness into my life.  Maybe 2013 will be my best year in a long time!