Tag Archives: Healthy Eating

I’m back, for a little while anyway. I’ve had every intention to write for quite some time and I’ve just never gotten around to it. For once, I have a little extra time and I’m going to take that time to do something I’ve missed.

I have been busy. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been back in school. I’m taking two online math courses from a community college in anticipation of going to grad school. You know what? It feels great to be exercising my brain once again! For me, it is very rewarding to come up with a solution to a math problem. I realize now, that I am a nerd, but I take great pride in that. Though I still feel lost, I feel like I’m slowly but surely discovering what I want to do in life, as well as, who I am. The pieces of the puzzle are coming together. Maybe I’m entering my second puberty?

Like puberty, there are setbacks in my life. In my last rambling post, I talked about how my weight hasn’t been changing. This is still true. I am not gaining, but not losing either. It’s not realistic anymore to think I will reach a 40 pound total weight loss by the end of 2013. I do have hope though, that I will surpass this rough spot, somehow. I really want to go to the Y, but I am so afraid of how I will be received, that it keeps me from getting there. It’s an irrational fear, I know. I’ve always had this hang-up about going to a gym. What if people point and laugh at me? I hope that very soon, I can walk in there and work out and be happy with myself.

My love life still sucks. I temporarily deactivated my okcupid account because I cannot get over Steve. I’ve also deactivated Facebook for the same reason. I want him to talk to me, but he won’t and I can’t deal. I can’t sit there, staring at my Facebook chat, and hoping for him to say “hello”. All I can hope for is to lose weight and be hot and put up a new picture of myself with someone fantastic so that I can make him jealous. Maybe he’ll remember me then? Anyway, until I’m healthier mentally, I can’t be faced with him, I can’t have any reminders of him. Someday I will be stronger and able to cope. I’m working on it, I really am.





This Upcoming Week Is Critical to My Success

Today I weighed in.  I gained 3.8 pounds.  In one week.  I feel gross.  After my disappointing weigh-in, I immediately imagined my trip to Super Walmart post-meeting, and what kinds of junk food I could purchase to binge on.  And earlier, I did just that.  I binged on a pint of Ben & Jerry’s “Mint Chocolate Cookie”, homemade tacos, and Smooth and Minty Melty Mints (or whatever they’re called).

The fact that they’re pastel makes them taste even more delicious!

This is classic behavior for me.  I put so much effort into my weight loss and then I get hungry or I feel deprived, and my effort all goes to shit.  It’s why I’m fat.  I was really off to a good start this time around.  I’ve lost more weight than I have in 5 years and I was getting compliments and clothes were fitting better and I just gave up.  Now, I’m back to having lost less than 20 pounds.  It was so important for me to lose those first 20 pounds.

That’s why it is so crucial that for the rest of this week, I really stick to the plan and do my tracking and exercise, even if it kills me.  And it is going to be tough.  I’m very certain of this.  I’m working tomorrow evening and after that, I have two weeks of freedom.  When my life isn’t structured (ie. when I’m not working), it is so much easier for me to forget the big picture.  I have no set schedule for anything, including dining.  When I’m not working, I can reach into those cupboards whenever I feel like it and grab something that may not be the best choice.

I am so worried.  I can’t give up.  I’ve done it so many times in the past.  I have all these dreams of what life will be like when I’m not an ogre.  Of course, I really don’t know if anything I picture will come true, but I do believe that if I’m normal-sized, certain scenarios will be more likely to become reality.  I like to imagine that when I’m normal, I’ll have more confidence, I’ll be able to have a relationship, I’ll be able to shop in the misses’ (or possibly, juniors’), department.

I’m 31, I’m running out of time to achieve my goals.  I hope I can survive and thrive during this week.



A Milestone Week Despite Some Setbacks

This week I reached a small milestone…I lost 1.6 pounds and I am now under 220 pounds (99.8 kg)!  This is really big and important to me.  For the past 4½ years, my weight has lingered around the 230-250 area.  Approximately 5 years ago, I made a big move back home (after living by myself in another state for a year).  The move was necessary to retain my sanity, yet it took a toll on my physical health.  I won’t go into any more details, but that is when my weight began to climb.  This milestone I reached today makes me feel that once again, I am headed in the right direction, I just need to get other areas of my life straightened out.

I am proud to say that I am continuing to follow the blogilates website and workout calendar and I am feeling a little bit stronger in performing some of the moves.  My next step forward, in achieving a healthy lifestyle, will be to return to the Y.  I continue to may my expensive membership fee, but I’m not going.  The truth is, I’m scared.  I know it’s irrational, but I am afraid that I will start working out and the gym-rats around me will all laugh at me.  I can admit this because I did a search and discovered that other people are afraid of this as well.  I’m going to keep trying to push myself to return and I know someday it’ll happen.  It would be so beneficial to be around other people.

It’s obvious that everything hasn’t been all “peachy-keen”.  There’s actually an issue that’s been bothering me for several weeks, and I just haven’t felt like bringing it up.  It’s regarding Steve again, so if you don’t want to listen to me whine about the-one-that-got-away, I totally understand, you can quit reading now.

Back in March or February of this year, Steve posted on my Facebook timeline about an event, he wrote “I thought of you” with a link to said event.  For months, I’d been hoping he’d contact me to invite me to go with him.  He never contacted me, so I figured, he’s so busy, he probably can’t go.  So, on the night of the event, I went on Facebook like usual, and lo-and-behold, my newsfeed shows a status update from him about the event.

Needless to say, I was very upset.  I’ve been with him to similar events before, he couldn’t have just invited me.  I immediately felt that feeling, like a punch in the gut, that I get whenever I feel slighted.  I didn’t expect him to hurt me like that, but I know I should expect it, he’s not the same person I knew several years ago.  I cannot wait until I lose 60 pounds (my halfway point).  I’m going to put a picture on Facebook of my progress and hopefully, he’ll feel regret for not keeping in touch with me.  But of course, I often fantasize about the way I want things to go and when it actually happens, it doesn’t pan out like I’d hoped.

I’d like to end this post in a positive/funny way.  Today I went to a department store and purchased some typical household items (shampoo, sunscreen, etc.) and some personal lubricant.  Yes, I admit it, I purchased tingling lubricant, figuring it’d just be a quick buy and the cashier would scan it and just throw it in the bag, not paying much attention to my purchases.  The cashier scanned my items, I payed.  Then, when she handed me the bag, she said “Have fun!”  I have to wonder what she meant by that.  Was she telling me to enjoy my lube?


Good Things Come to Those Who Wait

Friday was weigh-in day.  I didn’t post that day like I usually do.  I’ve been pretty tired lately and I just completed a 6 day work stretch.  I haven’t felt much like writing.  Anyway, I weighed in on Friday and I was surprised and delighted to find out that I lost 2.8 pounds!

My total now is 12.9 pounds.  That includes the week that I joined Weight Watchers but was not actually following the program.  My current weight is 228.4 pounds!  Now, that may not sound great to you, but I haven’t been under 230 pounds since 2008.  Being under 230 is such an accomplishment!  I can’t wait to be under 220 pounds.

I achieved another milestone over this past week!  For the first time since I’ve started, co-workers commented on my weight loss.  Obviously, my hard work is becoming visible to others.  It’s visible to others, however, not to me.  I know I’ll soon start seeing the results.



I went to Weight Watchers earlier today.  (There’s something you need to understand, I work late, I go to bed late, so the day isn’t officially over for me until I’ve slept for 8 hours.  Therefore, although the date is literally Saturday, it is still Friday to me.)  Actually, I had a very productive day.  I went to have some labs drawn, then I went to Weight Watchers, I did a little shopping, and when I got home, I laid down for my daily nap.  My nap was interrupted by my boss, she asked if I could work today.  I could use the overtime, so I agreed to work.  All in all, it wasn’t a bad day.  This is what I needed!  On Tuesday, I was in tears.  I don’t know why.  That’s how it goes with depression sometimes.  I needed to have a normal day, being so miserable really takes a lot out of me.

I’ve just rambled on for an entire paragraph, so now, let me get to the point.  Friday is weigh-in day.  I was not expecting the results I was presented with.  Last weekend, I went off the wagon.  I found a bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs and I succumbed to the temptation.  Those little pastel delights are my weakness.  All I have to say is, thank God Easter is over!  Anyway, after I went house on the remaining contents of that bag, I just skipped tracking for both Saturday and Sunday.  Terrible idea, right?  Well, the rest of the week I made up for it, and my eating behavior was perfect.  I tracked everything.  I used to just give up for the entire week after a binge, but I worked very hard to track every bite.

This brings me to today.  I went to my meeting and discovered that I lost 3 pounds!  After losing very little for the first two weeks, I was ecstatic to see that I’d dropped 3 pounds!  I got a 5 pound sticker!  It may seem minor to those who have never been involved with Weight Watchers, but it felt fantastic to me.  And you know what?  I’m still smiling right now as I type.  I’m getting results and soon, I’ll start seeing results.

And now, I’m going to give you a little update on a post I wrote a few days ago.  On Wednesday, I sent Steve a message on Facebook.  Of course, with my fear of seeming like a loser, I had to send the message when he was offline.  I didn’t know what I would say if he wrote back.  I sent him a file that I found when I was exploring my hard drive.  (I’m a geek, I like exploring my hard drive.)  It was a file that I think he sent to me awhile ago.  It was funny, so I figured I’d re-share it with him.

I still haven’t gotten a response.  No “thank you”, no “how are you?”, nothing.  It hurts, I can feel myself getting weepy as I type.  Now, he’s posted pictures of all the fun he’s having tonight.  I need to meet someone new quickly before I drive myself crazy.  I’m halfway there.

On a lighter note, I’ve been dreaming quite a bit lately.  I know, we always dream.  But lately, I’ve been remembering my dreams.  I think it’s the medication I started in January.  In the past, it was always very rare that I remembered a dream.  Now, it happens several times per week!  It’s kind of exciting to be conscious of my dreams.

Last night, I dreamed of my crush from middle school.  He would always pay attention to me in that teasing-middle-school-boy-crush way.  It was sweet.  Anyway, I dreamed of him as an adult.  It’s very odd, because I haven’t thought of him in a very long time.  We went to high school together, but he was in different classes, so it was rare to see him.

About six years ago, my former best friend saw him at a bar.  And according to her, he asked about me!  It still makes me feel good.

I apologize for writing such a tornado of a post.  Seriously, this post is like the aftermath of a twister.  So many random thoughts are spewing from my head.

On that note, I’m going to touch upon my original topic and say thank you to all of you who’ve given me so much support lately.  I don’t think I’d be continuing the plan if I hadn’t gotten so many motivational comments!

Weight Graph

Weight Graph

Stick With What Works

From the start of this blog, I’d always intended to strive for a healthy lifestyle.  If you’ve read some of my posts, you’ll see that I’ve often tried but failed.  This time, I’m hoping to stick with my choice.

Earlier today, I re-joined Weight Watchers.  I haven’t attended a meeting yet, I just signed up and paid for a monthly pass online.  I plan to go to my first meeting next week.  I’ve been a member of Weight Watchers several times in the past, and I’ve been on the email list.  This week I received an email offer from WW, I could get my first month of my membership for 50% off.  I figured it was a good deal, so I joined.

I’ve had a long history with WW.  My first experience was when I was a junior in high school.  I joined with my mother in the fall of that year and by the spring, I had lost about 35 pounds.  Of course, when I started, I didn’t weigh anything near what I weigh now.  In fact, I would be much happier if I now weighed 175.  That was my starting weight in high school.  I believe I lost about 35-40 pounds during that time.  My next WW experience came in the summer prior to my junior year of college.  Once again, I lost a significant amount of weight.

Since those two successful periods, I experienced a great deal of disappointment.  It wasn’t because WW didn’t work, it was because I didn’t do the work to lose the weight.  Weight Watchers does work, I’m proof of that .  The trick is sticking to it.

I have a co-worker who joined this August and she has already lost over 50 pounds!  She’s my inspiration.  She’s been working hard and it shows.  I’m envious whenever I hear someone ask her, “how much weight have you lost?”  I want to be that person. 

Next week, I’ll start my journey to a better, healthier life.  I’ll need all the encouragement I can get.  I hope to share my success with you!

Challenge #4 – Day 3

Okay, so I can’t really say that I’m failing. I have been eating three meals each day and really, that’s what I resolved to do. However, I’m eating way too much. I don’t know if I should be beating myself up about it or if I should be happy that I’m eating three meals. Honestly, I’m not eating more than I usually eat.

The thing is, I want to eat less than I usually eat. I have several goals in mind that I’d like to succeed at while writing this blog. The goal that I really, really want to achieve is to lose weight. I feel like losing weight will bring about a number of positive changes to my life.

So, my dilemma is: how do I resist temptation and eat like a normal person? Please, let me know if you have any ideas, I’d like any advice you can give me.