Tag Archives: hopelessness

Holiday Blues

What is it about the holidays that brings out the worst in me? I don’t know about you, but my constant black cloud is most prevalent during the holiday season. When December comes, I don’t get excited about Christmas anymore, I get excited about tax season (when I get a check worth about 3-4 times my weekly paycheck in one day!). Speaking of money, I am certain that part of my holiday blues stems from the fact that I didn’t get a Christmas bonus this year. Every year since I’ve been at this job, I got a bonus. So this new president fills the post and screws everyone over. Personally, if I took over a company right before Christmas, I’d make damn sure not to cause any disgruntled employees, I’m just saying. And don’t even tell me that there wasn’t enough in the budget. My facility makes mad cash. So yes, finding out today that there is no bonus coming was pretty upsetting. My company always talks about “employee appreciation”. Total BS!

Alright, now that I’ve ranted, I’m going to get serious. Lately, I’ve been pretty darn depressed, as you could most likely surmise by the title of this post. I’ve spoken of depression frequently, but right now, it is almost swallowing me up. I’ve been taking my medication. Hell, I’ve taken practically every medication; Paxil, Celexa, Zoloft, Buspar, Seroquel. I’m currently on Wellbutrin, Effexor, and Lamictal. I know that list doesn’t encompass every medication, there must be hundreds of psych meds (I work at a hospital, I see patients’ medication lists).

I see both a psychiatrist and a therapist. I’ll be seeing the therapist at the end of this month, he can’t prescribe meds, however. I won’t be seeing the psychiatrist until mid-February, unfortunately. I’m not looking forward to switching meds again. She’s mentioned Lithium several times in the past. I’m afraid that Lithium will be my next step. I also want to ask about Adderall or Ritalin, because I’m concerned that I may have attention deficit disorder. But I’m concerned that she will think I’m med-seeking. I’m sure you are all aware, those stimulants are often sold illegally for recreational purposes.

Lithium is a bit intimidating. I’ve read several articles in which it is considered the “gold standard” of mood stabilizers. However, there can be a great deal of side effects and it requires frequent lab monitoring. I believe that after the first dose, it is necessary to have levels drawn within 12 hours. There are several timed labs after that initial screening. I may consider giving it a try if I’m still in this pit when I see my psychiatrist.

Continuing on my discussion of depression, have you ever experienced it? If so, have you ever noticed how there are so many people who don’t get it? I’ll elaborate, people may say:

  • “You just want attention.”
  • “Why don’t you just be happy?”
  • “Be thankful for what you have.”
  • “You don’t need medication to be happy.”

It’s so frustrating! I want to explain to these people that being happy isn’t that simple; I am thankful for what I have, but those things I’m grateful for don’t take precedence in my thoughts at this moment; I’m sad and hurting inside, but I can’t put into words why I feel this way; and yes, I do want attention, I want a hug and I want someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay.

Buzzfeed is a website that caters to “generation y” IMO, (it also is a source I turn to to relieve my need to procrastinate). It touches upon pop culture, current events, nostalgia, issues, etc. It’s quite entertaining! The site often posts in an easy-to-read list format. Recently, there was a list that left a profound impact on me, 21 Comics That Capture The Frustrations of DepressionIt seems like an oxymoron, doesn’t it? “Comic” and “Depression”. But to me, these comics so accurately depict the mental illness. I cried while reading them. You might too, I’m just warning you. It is a very uplifting feeling though, to know that there are others who understand what I am experiencing. Please check it out.

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Is It October Yet? – Part 1

“It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear,
When it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year” – The Rembrandts

Sharp people will notice that I’ve quoted the theme from Friends up there.  Though I’ve never been a fan of Friends or its theme, I’ve always remembered this lyric. Sometimes it does feel like everything is against you.  This is exactly how I’ve felt all September.

Let me back up.  It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything so I’m going to try to get you up to speed.  On August 30, I’d gotten to a total weight loss of 27.1 pounds! It felt fantastic! Shortly after, September began and my life seemed to fall apart.

My birthday took place in the first week of September.  As you may know from past posts, I’ve been thinking a great deal about a guy-friend who I’ve known for years, who lately has just not been paying as much attention to me as before.  I was really hoping that he’d surprise me and write on my Facebook wall for my birthday, but that didn’t happen.  Needless to say, I was very disappointed for several days, it still bothers me, but I’m not thinking about it constantly.

During birthday week, I took the opportunity to eat what I wanted because I would be having cake anyway.  And believe me, I took advantage of that!  I ate tons of cookies, french fries, burgers, ice cream, cake, you name it.  Because I treated myself, I skipped Weight Watchers that week.  Not a bright idea, let me tell you.  I continued my feeding frenzy into the second week of September and skipped out on Weight Watchers this past Friday.  I continued to make poor eating choices over the weekend and I avoided tracking up until today.  I did fine today.  But eating all that junk definitely caught up with me.  I weighed myself at work (a hospital, so we have pretty decent scales), and I’ve gained nearly 10 pounds! Ten freaking pounds! I’m proud to say though, that I plan to follow the plan and track for the rest of this week and finally attend a meeting on Friday.

Also around a week and a half ago, I started to question my faith.  I’m Catholic, but I’m not religious.  I haven’t been to church probably since I could drive, way back in 1998.  I could drive myself and I had freedom so I chose not to go to church anymore.  Truthfully, I found it boring and I didn’t feel as if I got much out of it.  But I’ve always believed in God.

As I mentioned above, I work in a hospital.  We get patients with general medical concerns, people who have fallen, who’ve had mental status changes, who need to detox, etc.  But the main specialty of my unit is oncology so 95% of the time, cancer patients come to us.  Because we are the only unit in the hospital that treats this demographic, we see certain patients frequently and we get to know these patients.  I don’t know the patients very well as I’m not involved directly with patient care, however, I do recognize the names and have a general idea of their condition.

There is one patient in his 60s who was coming to our unit about every three weeks to receive chemotherapy.  He was at the unit so frequently and everyone on the floor got to know him and like him.  When he first came, around February I think, he did not have a great prognosis.  He had always been active and in great shape for his age, but the chemo had wiped him out.  He couldn’t go home because of his condition, so he’d cycle between our unit and a rehab hospital.

Soon though, changes began to happen and he could move around freely, he began to look healthy again, he was in good spirits.  It was a miraculous change over several months!  We stopped seeing him so often but we were kept abreast of his situation.  Then, about a week and a half ago, I heard that he now has two months left to live.

It was shocking and devastating to me.  As I said, I don’t really get to know many of the patients but this man seemed to be making such a miraculous recovery, that I was affected by the news too.  This is where my faith comes in.

I’m not sure now how to feel about God.  Should I continue to believe in Him?  God is supposed to be this forgiving, loving, caring being, who watches over us.  What kind of a God would give this man hope and then snatch that hope away from him?  Why would God do that?  I’ve been so angry and sad about this since I heard the news.  Why bother to pray when this is what happens?  Why put my faith in God?  The idea that this God could make someone believe that he will be cancer-free and then snatch that hope away, it just sickens me. I’m not sure what to believe about God anymore.  If there is a God, why would he be so cruel?  I want to witness a miracle, I want to be proven wrong.