Tag Archives: life

I’m back, for a little while anyway. I’ve had every intention to write for quite some time and I’ve just never gotten around to it. For once, I have a little extra time and I’m going to take that time to do something I’ve missed.

I have been busy. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been back in school. I’m taking two online math courses from a community college in anticipation of going to grad school. You know what? It feels great to be exercising my brain once again! For me, it is very rewarding to come up with a solution to a math problem. I realize now, that I am a nerd, but I take great pride in that. Though I still feel lost, I feel like I’m slowly but surely discovering what I want to do in life, as well as, who I am. The pieces of the puzzle are coming together. Maybe I’m entering my second puberty?

Like puberty, there are setbacks in my life. In my last rambling post, I talked about how my weight hasn’t been changing. This is still true. I am not gaining, but not losing either. It’s not realistic anymore to think I will reach a 40 pound total weight loss by the end of 2013. I do have hope though, that I will surpass this rough spot, somehow. I really want to go to the Y, but I am so afraid of how I will be received, that it keeps me from getting there. It’s an irrational fear, I know. I’ve always had this hang-up about going to a gym. What if people point and laugh at me? I hope that very soon, I can walk in there and work out and be happy with myself.

My love life still sucks. I temporarily deactivated my okcupid account because I cannot get over Steve. I’ve also deactivated Facebook for the same reason. I want him to talk to me, but he won’t and I can’t deal. I can’t sit there, staring at my Facebook chat, and hoping for him to say “hello”. All I can hope for is to lose weight and be hot and put up a new picture of myself with someone fantastic so that I can make him jealous. Maybe he’ll remember me then? Anyway, until I’m healthier mentally, I can’t be faced with him, I can’t have any reminders of him. Someday I will be stronger and able to cope. I’m working on it, I really am.

 

 

 

Children?

Newborn

Newborn (Photo credit: juliecampbell)

I’m going off-topic today because frankly, my current challenge is lame and boring. I haven’t gossiped and I really don’t feel any different.  I’m sure it’s good for my soul.

Today I went on Facebook and found out that one of my friends from college (who I don’t speak with much anymore) has just had a baby.  The thing is, I could never, ever picture this girl as a mother.  Not that she will make a bad mother, it’s just that in college, we partied together, stayed up late together, got drunk and smoked together, etc.  I know that people grow up and have different priorities but when am I going to grow up?

I don’t particularly want to grow up.  I’m 31 and I have no desire to have children anytime soon.  I may want children one day and hopefully, I’ll be able to have them if I do want that life.  Right now, I still want to party and go to bars and meet new people and stay out late.  I feel like I will have no friends left if everyone continues to have babies.  What can I do with a friend who has kids?  Does your social life end when you have a child?

It’s all very confusing to me.  Is it wrong of me to not want children?  One time, I said to my therapist that I didn’t want children and he was shocked.  I could have told him I had homicidal tendencies and his reaction would have been tamer.

I feel that part of the reason I don’t want children is because I’ve missed out on a lot of milestones that most people have experienced.  I’ve never been in love.  I live with my parents.  I don’t enjoy time with friends nearly as often as I should.  I keep hoping that these experiences will happen and that I won’t die a recluse.  I wonder if I ever do find a man to love me, will I know how to act in a relationship?  Is it too late?

I guess my big question is: Is there life after having children?