Tag Archives: love

Do I Have The Right to be Picky?

Greetings! I’ve been keeping up with Weight Watchers as much as I can, but I haven’t seen the results I’d hoped to see by this time. It’s okay though, I’ve no intention of quitting. I’m proud to say, I went last week and I am down to about 0.2 pounds more than I was at my lowest point this year (in August). I hope to be able to attend meetings more regularly as I’ve been using Friday mornings (WW meeting day) to take my weekly online quizzes for school. I have finals in a few days and then I can relax for a bit before starting again in January. Hopefully, during this period, I’ll also be able to work very hard at my goals.

If you’ve read my blog before, you know that I frequently discuss love and relationships and dating. I’ve recently been spending more time on okcupid.com.  Last weekend, I spent a good chunk of time speaking on the phone with a man from the site.  I spoke to him for probably 6 hours total on Saturday, on Sunday, I didn’t speak with him much, he was out with friends. On Monday, he texted me in the morning because he had fallen asleep and hadn’t spoken to me in awhile. I texted him when I was at work. He texted me when I got home from work and then he called me. And then, while speaking to him very early in the morning, Tuesday,  I realized, I’m really not into him. The conversation wasn’t flowing, we really didn’t have much to say to each other. And guess what? I’m okay with this.

It used to be that I would take offense when men would lose interest in me, but this time, it was fine. I realized that yes, we have stuff in common, but no, he doesn’t make me laugh. He also seemed to be very cynical, and considering that I’m cynical as well, it just wouldn’t work. I need someone to balance out my pessimism. It’s nice sometimes, to commiserate with someone, but other times, I want to be lifted. I want to talk to someone who hasn’t given up hope. Maybe I’m less of a pessimist than I’d originally thought?

But now I’m going to go right back to being a “Debbie Downer” and question my choices. As a fat woman, do I have the right to be picky about the men I talk to? I mean, for a girl like me, the pickings are slim. There are some men who say they like big girls, bbws, thick chicks, whatever. But from what I’ve experienced, the men who are attracted to women like me, aren’t very attractive to me.

I shouldn’t be so choosy about men. I’m a fat girl, I should be happy that any man is talking to me. I have no right to pick and choose what men deserve my time. But I can’t date someone who I’m not attracted to. I’ve done that before, I think it was because I just was sick of being single, and it sucked. So what, do I settle?

I’ve been searching for sites that answer questions or show pictures or tell stories about men who like full-figured women.  I’ve been trying to make myself feel better. I want to fall in love, and I want to know that it is possible for a man to fall in love with me. I still hope to lose weight, I just don’t want to wait until I’m average-sized to start dating. The loneliness is killing me…

Here are a few links to some of the sites I’ve found that give me a bit of hope:

http://www.themilitantbaker.com/2013/03/things-no-one-will-tell-fat-girls-so-i.html

http://fuckyeahfatchicksskinnyguys.tumblr.com/

http://askaguywholikesfatchicks.tumblr.com/

http://magiclistofguyswholikefatgirls.tumblr.com/

http://www.lardbiscuit.com/lard/truefa.html

http://thehairpin.com/2010/12/i-like-fat-chicks-questions

http://www.pinterest.com/mybabykatiepaw/big-girls-their-guys/

My Latest Obsession

Sometimes, there is a song you hear or perhaps a movie you see, and you can’t get it out of your head.  It took me so long to discover it, I would hear bits and pieces and then change the channel.  One day, I just stopped to listen and now I can’t get enough of this song.  I’m currently in love with The Neighborhood’s “Sweater Weather”.  Seriously, I’m in love.  At this very moment, I’m listening to it on repeat, trying to get it into my top 25 on iTunes.

I know I’m behind the times, this song has been out for awhile as far as I can tell.  I can’t believe I ignored it when it first came out. (I did the same thing with “Wonderwall”, can you believe it?)  If you haven’t heard it, google it and watch the video, I’ll wait…If you’d rather not listen to it, check out the lyrics courtesy of metrolyrics.com:

All I am is a man
I want the world in my hands
I hate the beach
But I stand in California
With my toes in the sand

Use the sleeves of my sweater
Let’s have an adventure
Head in the clouds but my gravity’s centered
Touch my neck and I’ll touch yours
You in those little high waisted shorts, oh

She knows what I think about
And what I think about
One love, two mouths
One love, one house
No shirt, no blouse
Just us, you find out
Nothing that we don’t wanna tell you about, no

‘Cause it’s too cold
For you here right now
So let me hold
Both your hands in the holes of my sweater

And if I may just take your breath away
I don’t mind if it’s not much to say
Sometimes the silence guides our minds to
Move to a place so far away

The goose bumps start to raise
The minute that my left hand meets your waist
And then I watch your face
Put my finger on your tongue
‘Cause you love the taste yeah

These hearts adore
Everyone the other beats hardest for
Inside this place is warm
Outside it starts to pour

Coming down
One love, two mouths
One love, one house
No shirt, no blouse
Just us, you find out
Nothing that I wouldn’t wanna tell you about, no, no, no

‘Cause it’s too cold
For you here right now
So let me hold
Both your hands in the holes of my sweater

‘Cause it’s too cold
For you here and now
So let me hold
Both your hands in the holes of my sweater

Whoa, whoa…

Whoa, whoa, whoa…

Whoa, whoa, whoa…

Whoa, whoa, whoa…

Whoa, whoa, whoa…

Whoa, whoa…

‘Cause it’s too cold
For you here right now
So let me hold
Both your hands in the holes of my sweater

It’s too cold
For you here right now
Let me hold
Both your hands in the holes of my sweater

And it’s too cold,
It’s too cold,
The holes of my sweater…

Read more: The Neighbourhood – Sweater Weather Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love the background music of this song, but what really gets me, are the lyrics.  If you browse about this song, a lot of people believe this song is about weed. It could totally be about weed, I didn’t write it, I don’t know exactly what it’s about.  But I choose to interpret this song as a tale of falling in love.  Sigh…I’m a hopeless romantic.

Every time I hear this song, I imagine some beautiful beginning for some couple. The lyrics make me melt, they drive me crazy, they make me cry.  The lyrics strike a chord with me.  As I’ve said, I know nothing about the lyrics, I can’t take credit for them.  I know even less about falling in love.  However, I imagine that falling in love must be like this song.

I like to think it’s about becoming close with a person, getting to know someone so well that you can sense what they are thinking.  I think it’s about intense, intimate, powerful sex, (I’ve never been there, either).  I think it’s about realizing that you could see yourself committing to this person for life.  I think it’s about giving in to your feelings.  It makes me hopeful that I will fall in love someday.  Give it a listen, let me know what you think.

 

The Downside of Facebook

It is a huge weight off my shoulders to be off of Facebook for the time being. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried it, but it really makes a difference, especially if you are like me. You see, I tend to be quite dramatic.  Deep down, I know that most people on Facebook only post statuses about the positive events in their lives. I know that there is so much that goes unsaid on Facebook.  However, I can’t help but stress out about those positive life events of others. I can’t help but feel inadequate.

There are actually two things that led to my most recent Facebook sabbatical.  Number one is no surprise: Steve.  It just hurts so much to get my hopes up that he will talk to me.  I’ll be online for 3 hours and it will show that he is available for chat, yet he never contacts me, never. Years ago, we’d always find a way to talk. This is going back to the time that IMing was popular. Remember AOL Instant Messenger? Anyway, we used to “talk” once a week, at least. I miss him so much, but he won’t even notice that I’m gone.

There is a second reason that I gave Facebook a break.  My friend, Katie, posted that she moved into her own apartment.  This is very distressing to me.  For the longest time, Katie was as pathetic as I am.  She lived at home with her parents, was making minimum wage, and she was single.  It’s hard to be the only one of my former group who still lives at home with her parents.  I’m always stressing about people judging me.  People tell me that it doesn’t matter, but I don’t believe them.

I’m sure everyone who knows about my situation must think I’m a total loser.  I have no other way to describe myself.  I am headed in the right direction, but its so difficult to envision the future. I keep living in the past.  This reminds me of something I saw recently on Tumblr.

This is so true, yet so hard to live by. I’m trying to work on this.

 

 

I’m back, for a little while anyway. I’ve had every intention to write for quite some time and I’ve just never gotten around to it. For once, I have a little extra time and I’m going to take that time to do something I’ve missed.

I have been busy. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been back in school. I’m taking two online math courses from a community college in anticipation of going to grad school. You know what? It feels great to be exercising my brain once again! For me, it is very rewarding to come up with a solution to a math problem. I realize now, that I am a nerd, but I take great pride in that. Though I still feel lost, I feel like I’m slowly but surely discovering what I want to do in life, as well as, who I am. The pieces of the puzzle are coming together. Maybe I’m entering my second puberty?

Like puberty, there are setbacks in my life. In my last rambling post, I talked about how my weight hasn’t been changing. This is still true. I am not gaining, but not losing either. It’s not realistic anymore to think I will reach a 40 pound total weight loss by the end of 2013. I do have hope though, that I will surpass this rough spot, somehow. I really want to go to the Y, but I am so afraid of how I will be received, that it keeps me from getting there. It’s an irrational fear, I know. I’ve always had this hang-up about going to a gym. What if people point and laugh at me? I hope that very soon, I can walk in there and work out and be happy with myself.

My love life still sucks. I temporarily deactivated my okcupid account because I cannot get over Steve. I’ve also deactivated Facebook for the same reason. I want him to talk to me, but he won’t and I can’t deal. I can’t sit there, staring at my Facebook chat, and hoping for him to say “hello”. All I can hope for is to lose weight and be hot and put up a new picture of myself with someone fantastic so that I can make him jealous. Maybe he’ll remember me then? Anyway, until I’m healthier mentally, I can’t be faced with him, I can’t have any reminders of him. Someday I will be stronger and able to cope. I’m working on it, I really am.

 

 

 

The Skank/Self-Esteem Connection and What Determines Attraction?

Before I get into my topic, I’d like to first make a statement.  Do you know how certain words can be nearly synonymous yet have very different meanings in context?  For example: slut, hoe, whore, and skank.  I choose to use the word, “skank”, as opposed to the more vulgar- sounding “slut”.  Have you ever noticed how much anger and hatred is behind “slut”?  From this point forward, I vow to never use the word “slut” in any posts.  If I do use it, call me out on it, please.

Now on to the topics at hand.  In my previous post, I wrote briefly about my mistake of gauging a man’s date-worthiness based upon his appearance.  And what a mistake it was! To bring you up to speed, I recently received a message to my online dating profile from a good-looking, hot-bodied man.  I had my doubts in this man but I chose to ignore them because he was attractive.  Against my better judgement, I gave him my number so we could text. Mind you, this was after we’d exchanged around five one-sentence messages between us.  Hence, my first error.

His second text to me, after the obligatory “hellos”, was “Are you thick with big boobs?”  This was my second indication that he wasn’t such a nice guy.  However, I continued texting him, (mistake #2) although I did write that he didn’t seem to want what I want (a relationship), to which he responded something along the lines of, “you don’t know me, how do you know what I want?” His angry comment made me feel like a jerk, so I apologized for doubting his intentions. Thus, my third error.

After texting for about two hours, (which was mostly him asking about my boobs and my “booty”), he suggested conversing via webcam.  I agreed to this, making it mistake number four.  I put on a little makeup, signed in, and we connected.  He asked me to show him my cleavage and I complied, error #5.  But when he asked me to take my top off, I finally made the right decision and told him that I didn’t feel right doing this and our conversation was kaput.

Now that little story up there does have a point and is relevant to my title.  After the interaction with this man (I’ll call him James), the first thing that came to mind was “How do I always meet men that don’t want a relationship?”  This question led to my next question, (as well as part of the title) “What determines attraction?”

Maybe it has happened to you, you tend to meet people who share similar personality traits, goals, flaws, etc. like they are all cut from the same cloth.  This is my case, I often meet men who aren’t interested in anything more than hooking up.  But why does this happen?  What about me attracts a man who isn’t into a relationship?  And of course, what is it that attracts me to men who aren’t into relationships?  I don’t have the answers and I’m not quite sure where to find them.

This leads me to the other portion of the title.  As mentioned in the last paragraph, I tend to be attracted somehow, to men who aren’t into anything serious, despite the fact that I desire a serious, loving, long-term relationship.  I am ashamed to say that in my dating past, I would give into my partner’s needs, while ignoring my own.  I would jump into bed too fast hoping for a relationship to happen. I’ll admit it, I could be skanky.

Over ten years ago, I lost my virginity on a first date.  I told myself that I just wanted to not be a virgin anymore.  Never in my life had I imagined this monumental event to happen like this. I pictured romance and “I love yous” being declared.  I don’t regret it, I’m just ashamed to admit that I behaved in this way.  This was the beginning of my skanky lifestyle (or so I thought).

I didn’t hook up with a new guy every night.  My number isn’t high, it’s less than ten.  But I did tend to rush into things with several men.  Whether it was a one-night-stand, making out with a stranger at the bar, or letting some guy I just met touch my boobs.  I did all sorts of things to get guys to like me.

This is where self-esteem enters the picture.  I’m not sure what other women would think, but I believe my self-esteem is connected to my intimate behavior.  I need to feel wanted and I need to please a man to get that adoration from him.  It’s reassuring to know that a man is interested in me and oftentimes, its his attraction that makes me feel worth it.

Though, truthfully, the majority of these men weren’t interested in me.  They preyed on my vulnerability and most-likely, could sense my need for validation.  I hate the fact that a man’s opinion of me can still hold such high-standing in my life.  I hate the fact that I can’t respect myself enough to not go too far with a new man.  But I must say, that I am proud of myself for not showing my breasts online to James the Jerk.  And I suppose it’s a start, it’s showing that I’m headed in the right direction.

For the future, if I ever do get a date again, I want him to earn my sexuality.  I want him to get to know me first, to really appreciate and care about me and my feelings.  I want to respect myself and I want my partner to respect me as well.  Most of all, I really want to experience sex and love together.  I’ve never had that pleasure and I am so intrigued about the connection that must be felt when making love to a man who cares as opposed to a man who just doesn’t want to leave the bar alone.  With any luck, I’ll be able to experience my dream.

To Date, or Not to Date, That is the Question…

Today was weigh-in day.  I lost 0.8 pounds, which is satisfactory, considering I went off the wagon over the past two weeks.  Although, I haven’t been tracking my points like I should have been, I did make a positive change.  Last week, while perusing Youtube for workout videos, I discovered a series of videos from one particular user.  Through further link-following, I came upon Cassey Ho’s blog, called Blogilates.

We need more blogs like this.  Cassey Ho is a pilates instructor who posts free videos, healthy recipes, inspirational stories/photos, and advice.  She sells clothing and accessories as well.  She also provides a monthly calendar to help readers keep up with a fitness regimen.  I printed the beginner’s workout calendar (because fitness is an alien concept to me), and I’ve been working out to her videos over the past 3 days.  Though it sounds cliche, I’m really feeling the burn!  I can feel the strain in my upper abs and thighs.  If you are looking for a little inspiration, I highly suggest checking out her site!

Now, onto my question.  What do I do about dating?  I’m currently on two free dating sites:

logos

“OK Cupid” is far superior to “Plenty of Fish” in my opinion.  On OKC you can be much more selective.  OKC allows the user to add much more information, and in turn, get more information about a romantic interest.  OK Cupid also allows more parameters for excluding certain users from contact.

Anyway, this isn’t a post comparing free online dating sites.  This is a post in which I need some advice and reassurance.

My writing partner isn't very good at giving advice.

My writing partner isn’t very good at giving advice.

Should I attempt to date now, before I’ve lost weight, while I’m still fat?  Or, should I wait until I’ve lost 80 pounds.  (I want to lose 120 pounds total, but 80 is when I think I will be “average”).  I have a pretty clear idea of what I want, but so far, the pickings are slim.  Considering that I’m not ideal, I shouldn’t be so picky when looking for a man.  I should just be happy that anyone emails me.  But I do have discriminating taste, and that’s something I really can’t help.

I want to meet a man who’s attractive, funny, and smart.  My mailboxes are filled with messages from guys that can’t seem to put a sentence together!  I can’t stand “text-speak” or multiple spelling/grammar/punctuation mistakes.  Guys, put a little effort into it!  I’m not asking for a MENSA member, but please, utilize your dictionary.

Okay, now that I’ve ranted a bit, back to my topic: Is it appropriate to be looking for a date now?  Do you think any man that would be willing to date me is desperate?  I don’t want to just be someone’s “easy-lay”.  (You know, because I’m so undesirable and lonely, men probably assume I’ll date anyone).  Do you think there’s an ideal man for someone who isn’t ideal?  Any advice would be well-received!

Not Ready To Give Up Just Yet

I’d almost given up.  I thought about it.  I’ve been questioning my ability to lose weight and I’ve missed two weeks of Weight Watchers since I’d last written.  For a little while, I had given up on this blog as well.  There aren’t a lot of people interested in what I have to say and I don’t always see the results I had hoped for.  But then I realized that I’m writing this blog for myself.  The comments and followers and likes I get are just bonuses.  I’m keeping this blog so that some day I can look back and see how far I’ve come.  

Lately, I haven’t gotten very far.  I’ve now lost a total of 14.7 pounds.  I had really hoped to be 20 pounds lighter by this time.  But during those weeks where I gave in to my cravings or just said “oh, what the hell?”, I didn’t progress.  I’m proud to say that over the past week, I lost 1.2 pounds and feel that I am headed on the right track once again.

I’d like to see a decent weight loss by the end of the summer.  I know that I will not be under 200 pounds by Labor Day, that’s just unrealistic.  But, I do believe I can lose a total of 30 pounds by that time.  I’m almost halfway there!

In other parts of my life, I haven’t improved much.  I’m still hoping that he will contact me.  I go on Facebook each night in anticipation of chatting with him.  It doesn’t happen.  I’m too afraid to say anything to him in fear that we will have nothing to say to each other.  It’s like a dull ache that I try to ignore while living my life and then there are times where the pain just takes over and feels like a fresh punch to the gut.  

I don’t know how anyone can care so much for someone but hate that someone so much at the same time.  From experience, I’ve gathered that the people who can hurt me the most are the ones I care for the most.  I just want so much to stop caring because it’s obvious that he could care less about me.  

What I’m really afraid of, is not taking a chance with someone else because there’s still this hope deep inside, this hope that we will rectify our broken friendship and eventually, he’ll tell me I’m beautiful again.  It’s such a contradiction to who I am.  I think of myself as a cynic–the ultimate pessimist–but I still have this hope.  I want the hope to go away so that I can just forget about him.