Tag Archives: men

Do I Have The Right to be Picky?

Greetings! I’ve been keeping up with Weight Watchers as much as I can, but I haven’t seen the results I’d hoped to see by this time. It’s okay though, I’ve no intention of quitting. I’m proud to say, I went last week and I am down to about 0.2 pounds more than I was at my lowest point this year (in August). I hope to be able to attend meetings more regularly as I’ve been using Friday mornings (WW meeting day) to take my weekly online quizzes for school. I have finals in a few days and then I can relax for a bit before starting again in January. Hopefully, during this period, I’ll also be able to work very hard at my goals.

If you’ve read my blog before, you know that I frequently discuss love and relationships and dating. I’ve recently been spending more time on okcupid.com.  Last weekend, I spent a good chunk of time speaking on the phone with a man from the site.  I spoke to him for probably 6 hours total on Saturday, on Sunday, I didn’t speak with him much, he was out with friends. On Monday, he texted me in the morning because he had fallen asleep and hadn’t spoken to me in awhile. I texted him when I was at work. He texted me when I got home from work and then he called me. And then, while speaking to him very early in the morning, Tuesday,  I realized, I’m really not into him. The conversation wasn’t flowing, we really didn’t have much to say to each other. And guess what? I’m okay with this.

It used to be that I would take offense when men would lose interest in me, but this time, it was fine. I realized that yes, we have stuff in common, but no, he doesn’t make me laugh. He also seemed to be very cynical, and considering that I’m cynical as well, it just wouldn’t work. I need someone to balance out my pessimism. It’s nice sometimes, to commiserate with someone, but other times, I want to be lifted. I want to talk to someone who hasn’t given up hope. Maybe I’m less of a pessimist than I’d originally thought?

But now I’m going to go right back to being a “Debbie Downer” and question my choices. As a fat woman, do I have the right to be picky about the men I talk to? I mean, for a girl like me, the pickings are slim. There are some men who say they like big girls, bbws, thick chicks, whatever. But from what I’ve experienced, the men who are attracted to women like me, aren’t very attractive to me.

I shouldn’t be so choosy about men. I’m a fat girl, I should be happy that any man is talking to me. I have no right to pick and choose what men deserve my time. But I can’t date someone who I’m not attracted to. I’ve done that before, I think it was because I just was sick of being single, and it sucked. So what, do I settle?

I’ve been searching for sites that answer questions or show pictures or tell stories about men who like full-figured women.  I’ve been trying to make myself feel better. I want to fall in love, and I want to know that it is possible for a man to fall in love with me. I still hope to lose weight, I just don’t want to wait until I’m average-sized to start dating. The loneliness is killing me…

Here are a few links to some of the sites I’ve found that give me a bit of hope:

http://www.themilitantbaker.com/2013/03/things-no-one-will-tell-fat-girls-so-i.html

http://fuckyeahfatchicksskinnyguys.tumblr.com/

http://askaguywholikesfatchicks.tumblr.com/

http://magiclistofguyswholikefatgirls.tumblr.com/

http://www.lardbiscuit.com/lard/truefa.html

http://thehairpin.com/2010/12/i-like-fat-chicks-questions

http://www.pinterest.com/mybabykatiepaw/big-girls-their-guys/

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I’m back, for a little while anyway. I’ve had every intention to write for quite some time and I’ve just never gotten around to it. For once, I have a little extra time and I’m going to take that time to do something I’ve missed.

I have been busy. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been back in school. I’m taking two online math courses from a community college in anticipation of going to grad school. You know what? It feels great to be exercising my brain once again! For me, it is very rewarding to come up with a solution to a math problem. I realize now, that I am a nerd, but I take great pride in that. Though I still feel lost, I feel like I’m slowly but surely discovering what I want to do in life, as well as, who I am. The pieces of the puzzle are coming together. Maybe I’m entering my second puberty?

Like puberty, there are setbacks in my life. In my last rambling post, I talked about how my weight hasn’t been changing. This is still true. I am not gaining, but not losing either. It’s not realistic anymore to think I will reach a 40 pound total weight loss by the end of 2013. I do have hope though, that I will surpass this rough spot, somehow. I really want to go to the Y, but I am so afraid of how I will be received, that it keeps me from getting there. It’s an irrational fear, I know. I’ve always had this hang-up about going to a gym. What if people point and laugh at me? I hope that very soon, I can walk in there and work out and be happy with myself.

My love life still sucks. I temporarily deactivated my okcupid account because I cannot get over Steve. I’ve also deactivated Facebook for the same reason. I want him to talk to me, but he won’t and I can’t deal. I can’t sit there, staring at my Facebook chat, and hoping for him to say “hello”. All I can hope for is to lose weight and be hot and put up a new picture of myself with someone fantastic so that I can make him jealous. Maybe he’ll remember me then? Anyway, until I’m healthier mentally, I can’t be faced with him, I can’t have any reminders of him. Someday I will be stronger and able to cope. I’m working on it, I really am.

 

 

 

The Skank/Self-Esteem Connection and What Determines Attraction?

Before I get into my topic, I’d like to first make a statement.  Do you know how certain words can be nearly synonymous yet have very different meanings in context?  For example: slut, hoe, whore, and skank.  I choose to use the word, “skank”, as opposed to the more vulgar- sounding “slut”.  Have you ever noticed how much anger and hatred is behind “slut”?  From this point forward, I vow to never use the word “slut” in any posts.  If I do use it, call me out on it, please.

Now on to the topics at hand.  In my previous post, I wrote briefly about my mistake of gauging a man’s date-worthiness based upon his appearance.  And what a mistake it was! To bring you up to speed, I recently received a message to my online dating profile from a good-looking, hot-bodied man.  I had my doubts in this man but I chose to ignore them because he was attractive.  Against my better judgement, I gave him my number so we could text. Mind you, this was after we’d exchanged around five one-sentence messages between us.  Hence, my first error.

His second text to me, after the obligatory “hellos”, was “Are you thick with big boobs?”  This was my second indication that he wasn’t such a nice guy.  However, I continued texting him, (mistake #2) although I did write that he didn’t seem to want what I want (a relationship), to which he responded something along the lines of, “you don’t know me, how do you know what I want?” His angry comment made me feel like a jerk, so I apologized for doubting his intentions. Thus, my third error.

After texting for about two hours, (which was mostly him asking about my boobs and my “booty”), he suggested conversing via webcam.  I agreed to this, making it mistake number four.  I put on a little makeup, signed in, and we connected.  He asked me to show him my cleavage and I complied, error #5.  But when he asked me to take my top off, I finally made the right decision and told him that I didn’t feel right doing this and our conversation was kaput.

Now that little story up there does have a point and is relevant to my title.  After the interaction with this man (I’ll call him James), the first thing that came to mind was “How do I always meet men that don’t want a relationship?”  This question led to my next question, (as well as part of the title) “What determines attraction?”

Maybe it has happened to you, you tend to meet people who share similar personality traits, goals, flaws, etc. like they are all cut from the same cloth.  This is my case, I often meet men who aren’t interested in anything more than hooking up.  But why does this happen?  What about me attracts a man who isn’t into a relationship?  And of course, what is it that attracts me to men who aren’t into relationships?  I don’t have the answers and I’m not quite sure where to find them.

This leads me to the other portion of the title.  As mentioned in the last paragraph, I tend to be attracted somehow, to men who aren’t into anything serious, despite the fact that I desire a serious, loving, long-term relationship.  I am ashamed to say that in my dating past, I would give into my partner’s needs, while ignoring my own.  I would jump into bed too fast hoping for a relationship to happen. I’ll admit it, I could be skanky.

Over ten years ago, I lost my virginity on a first date.  I told myself that I just wanted to not be a virgin anymore.  Never in my life had I imagined this monumental event to happen like this. I pictured romance and “I love yous” being declared.  I don’t regret it, I’m just ashamed to admit that I behaved in this way.  This was the beginning of my skanky lifestyle (or so I thought).

I didn’t hook up with a new guy every night.  My number isn’t high, it’s less than ten.  But I did tend to rush into things with several men.  Whether it was a one-night-stand, making out with a stranger at the bar, or letting some guy I just met touch my boobs.  I did all sorts of things to get guys to like me.

This is where self-esteem enters the picture.  I’m not sure what other women would think, but I believe my self-esteem is connected to my intimate behavior.  I need to feel wanted and I need to please a man to get that adoration from him.  It’s reassuring to know that a man is interested in me and oftentimes, its his attraction that makes me feel worth it.

Though, truthfully, the majority of these men weren’t interested in me.  They preyed on my vulnerability and most-likely, could sense my need for validation.  I hate the fact that a man’s opinion of me can still hold such high-standing in my life.  I hate the fact that I can’t respect myself enough to not go too far with a new man.  But I must say, that I am proud of myself for not showing my breasts online to James the Jerk.  And I suppose it’s a start, it’s showing that I’m headed in the right direction.

For the future, if I ever do get a date again, I want him to earn my sexuality.  I want him to get to know me first, to really appreciate and care about me and my feelings.  I want to respect myself and I want my partner to respect me as well.  Most of all, I really want to experience sex and love together.  I’ve never had that pleasure and I am so intrigued about the connection that must be felt when making love to a man who cares as opposed to a man who just doesn’t want to leave the bar alone.  With any luck, I’ll be able to experience my dream.

I Am So Disappointed in Myself

Guess what I realized today?  You know in cartoons, when a character has a light bulb illuminate over his/her head?  Well, today it came to me.  I don’t need to lump all of my ideas from one day into one post.  It is possible, and makes more sense, to separate posts by topic. Whoa!  My mind is blown!

On to the topic at hand.  I have a confession to make: I’m shallow.  I had always thought of myself as open-minded. A little over one week ago, I realized that that is not the case.  Against my better judgement (I intend to use that phrase frequently and from now on, will abbreviate it as AMBJ), I have been visiting a couple of free dating sites.  I got a notification on my phone last Friday that someone had written to me, and I was surprised to see that he was a good-looking guy with a great body!  Guys like that never message me!

After seeing him on the mobile app, I decided to go to the full site and check out his message.  He had several punctuation and spelling mistakes (a big no-no for me), but AMBJ, I decided, “Oh, what the Hell? He’s cute”, and so, I responded to him.  Thus, I am a shallow, shallow person.

You see, I would never tolerate English language abuse from anyone mediocre, but because this man was attractive and built, I figured, these traits will make up for his grammatical issues.  Lo and behold, it wasn’t just grammar issues that plagued this man,  but I’ll discuss that experience later.  This article I read, especially point number four, really sums it up.

One point that the article makes, is that online dating prevents you from actually being able to interact with someone face-to-face, and maybe get to know him/her before passing judgement.  The sad truth is, at least when it comes to online dating, looks do matter.

For instance, I will not look at a profile without a picture.  I can remember, probably in the early 2000s,  when online dating sites had the option to send in a photograph to the company and the site would scan and post your photo to your profile.  With so many technological advantages occurring within this young century, surely, an online dater can figure out a way to post a picture of himself to his profile.  There is no excuse for a person not to have a picture.  So it always makes me wonder, if he doesn’t have a picture posted, what is he hiding?

It’s awful to think like that, but truthfully, I’m left wondering why.  Is he severely disfigured? Is his picture a mugshot? Is he underage?  Looks matter, physical appearance is the first thing one sees when scoping out a partner.  Unfortunately, looks don’t indicate a man’s trustworthiness, sense of humor, intelligence, and all of those characteristics that add to a man’s appeal.  It’s a shame that we can’t see those traits immediately when browsing for a date online.  I guess I need to look deeper.

 

 

A Milestone Week Despite Some Setbacks

This week I reached a small milestone…I lost 1.6 pounds and I am now under 220 pounds (99.8 kg)!  This is really big and important to me.  For the past 4½ years, my weight has lingered around the 230-250 area.  Approximately 5 years ago, I made a big move back home (after living by myself in another state for a year).  The move was necessary to retain my sanity, yet it took a toll on my physical health.  I won’t go into any more details, but that is when my weight began to climb.  This milestone I reached today makes me feel that once again, I am headed in the right direction, I just need to get other areas of my life straightened out.

I am proud to say that I am continuing to follow the blogilates website and workout calendar and I am feeling a little bit stronger in performing some of the moves.  My next step forward, in achieving a healthy lifestyle, will be to return to the Y.  I continue to may my expensive membership fee, but I’m not going.  The truth is, I’m scared.  I know it’s irrational, but I am afraid that I will start working out and the gym-rats around me will all laugh at me.  I can admit this because I did a search and discovered that other people are afraid of this as well.  I’m going to keep trying to push myself to return and I know someday it’ll happen.  It would be so beneficial to be around other people.

It’s obvious that everything hasn’t been all “peachy-keen”.  There’s actually an issue that’s been bothering me for several weeks, and I just haven’t felt like bringing it up.  It’s regarding Steve again, so if you don’t want to listen to me whine about the-one-that-got-away, I totally understand, you can quit reading now.

Back in March or February of this year, Steve posted on my Facebook timeline about an event, he wrote “I thought of you” with a link to said event.  For months, I’d been hoping he’d contact me to invite me to go with him.  He never contacted me, so I figured, he’s so busy, he probably can’t go.  So, on the night of the event, I went on Facebook like usual, and lo-and-behold, my newsfeed shows a status update from him about the event.

Needless to say, I was very upset.  I’ve been with him to similar events before, he couldn’t have just invited me.  I immediately felt that feeling, like a punch in the gut, that I get whenever I feel slighted.  I didn’t expect him to hurt me like that, but I know I should expect it, he’s not the same person I knew several years ago.  I cannot wait until I lose 60 pounds (my halfway point).  I’m going to put a picture on Facebook of my progress and hopefully, he’ll feel regret for not keeping in touch with me.  But of course, I often fantasize about the way I want things to go and when it actually happens, it doesn’t pan out like I’d hoped.

I’d like to end this post in a positive/funny way.  Today I went to a department store and purchased some typical household items (shampoo, sunscreen, etc.) and some personal lubricant.  Yes, I admit it, I purchased tingling lubricant, figuring it’d just be a quick buy and the cashier would scan it and just throw it in the bag, not paying much attention to my purchases.  The cashier scanned my items, I payed.  Then, when she handed me the bag, she said “Have fun!”  I have to wonder what she meant by that.  Was she telling me to enjoy my lube?

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To Date, or Not to Date, That is the Question…

Today was weigh-in day.  I lost 0.8 pounds, which is satisfactory, considering I went off the wagon over the past two weeks.  Although, I haven’t been tracking my points like I should have been, I did make a positive change.  Last week, while perusing Youtube for workout videos, I discovered a series of videos from one particular user.  Through further link-following, I came upon Cassey Ho’s blog, called Blogilates.

We need more blogs like this.  Cassey Ho is a pilates instructor who posts free videos, healthy recipes, inspirational stories/photos, and advice.  She sells clothing and accessories as well.  She also provides a monthly calendar to help readers keep up with a fitness regimen.  I printed the beginner’s workout calendar (because fitness is an alien concept to me), and I’ve been working out to her videos over the past 3 days.  Though it sounds cliche, I’m really feeling the burn!  I can feel the strain in my upper abs and thighs.  If you are looking for a little inspiration, I highly suggest checking out her site!

Now, onto my question.  What do I do about dating?  I’m currently on two free dating sites:

logos

“OK Cupid” is far superior to “Plenty of Fish” in my opinion.  On OKC you can be much more selective.  OKC allows the user to add much more information, and in turn, get more information about a romantic interest.  OK Cupid also allows more parameters for excluding certain users from contact.

Anyway, this isn’t a post comparing free online dating sites.  This is a post in which I need some advice and reassurance.

My writing partner isn't very good at giving advice.

My writing partner isn’t very good at giving advice.

Should I attempt to date now, before I’ve lost weight, while I’m still fat?  Or, should I wait until I’ve lost 80 pounds.  (I want to lose 120 pounds total, but 80 is when I think I will be “average”).  I have a pretty clear idea of what I want, but so far, the pickings are slim.  Considering that I’m not ideal, I shouldn’t be so picky when looking for a man.  I should just be happy that anyone emails me.  But I do have discriminating taste, and that’s something I really can’t help.

I want to meet a man who’s attractive, funny, and smart.  My mailboxes are filled with messages from guys that can’t seem to put a sentence together!  I can’t stand “text-speak” or multiple spelling/grammar/punctuation mistakes.  Guys, put a little effort into it!  I’m not asking for a MENSA member, but please, utilize your dictionary.

Okay, now that I’ve ranted a bit, back to my topic: Is it appropriate to be looking for a date now?  Do you think any man that would be willing to date me is desperate?  I don’t want to just be someone’s “easy-lay”.  (You know, because I’m so undesirable and lonely, men probably assume I’ll date anyone).  Do you think there’s an ideal man for someone who isn’t ideal?  Any advice would be well-received!

Tell Me When This is Supposed to Make Me Feel Better

I just came back from “therapy”.  I’ve always imagined therapy to be an appointment in which the patient discusses her issues and the counselor listens and provides insight.  That is true.  However, I’d also believed therapy would be helpful (ie. therapeutic) and after the session, the patient would feel a bit better, lighter, having lost a great weight off her shoulders from talking about her issues and gaining the insight of the counselor.  If I judged it by the session I had this morning, I’d have to say that my second belief about therapy was a giant misconception.

I left today feeling more upset than I did when I went in.  I was looking forward to my session, I’ve been feeling really lousy lately.  I wanted to talk about my recent Facebook deactivation.  I needed reassurance that maybe Steve just didn’t get my message.  I didn’t get any reassurance.  I can’t quote my counselor verbatim, but his response was basically “Chalk it up to him not being into you and move on.”

I’ve read the book, “He’s Just Not That Into You”, and I must say that it was eye-opening and insightful.  I still have the book and perhaps I should read it again.  I think it’s imperative for a woman like myself, one with a history of failed relationships (or in my case, “un-relationships”),  whose self-confidence is destroyed because of her consistent failure with men, to read.  It needs to be understood by women like me.

However, having heard this from my counselor today, I don’t feel better or stronger or smarter.  I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut.  It hurts.  I really thought that maybe, for once, this guy (Steve) was into me.  Having heard it from my counselor, whom I shall now refer to as Dr. BadNews, I know it’s the truth.  I’ve been trying to avoid admitting it to myself, but I can’t anymore.  What used to be, isn’t anymore and I need to stop dwelling on it.  Deep down, I know I need to move on and meet someone who will love me as much as I love him.

That brings me to my other dilemma.  How do I meet someone I like?  I joined OKCupid and I put up a revealing picture of myself, one that was taken a year ago.  By revealing, I don’t mean that I was wearing lingerie.  (I’m sorry to give you that visual).  I mean that it was a picture that showed my face and body as they are now, unfortunately.  The picture showed me in all my fat glory.  I guess it makes more sense to be realistic than to put up a picture of myself from 8 years ago, when I was semi-approachable.

The pickings are slim though.  The men who emailed me, all three of them, do not do much for me.  Forgive me if you think I’m being a jerk, but one of the biggest turn-offs for me is a man who responds to my profile with an un-proofread email.  I can’t stand grammar, spelling, and punctuation errors.  It’s a huge tip-off to me that he isn’t intelligent.  But as I’ve said, there are slim pickings out there.

The only men who respond to me are probably doing so in desperation.  No one wants to date someone like me.  Do I settle?  Or do I keep looking for someone with whom a mutual attraction is shared?  I’m running out of time, part of me thinks I should just settle.  Whatever happens, I want to date someone soon so I can get Steve out of my mind.

Have you ever seen pictures of people trying to be “bad-ass”, in which they’re flipping the bird at the camera?  I’ve never been one of those people.  But I do keep seeing this image in my mind of myself flipping the double bird at the camera.  I want to post this as my Facebook profile pic if I lose those 120 pounds and end up with a wonderful man and move out of my parents’ house.  I want to caption it with, “This is to everyone who gave up on me.”