What is it about the holidays that brings out the worst in me? I don’t know about you, but my constant black cloud is most prevalent during the holiday season. When December comes, I don’t get excited about Christmas anymore, I get excited about tax season (when I get a check worth about 3-4 times my weekly paycheck in one day!). Speaking of money, I am certain that part of my holiday blues stems from the fact that I didn’t get a Christmas bonus this year. Every year since I’ve been at this job, I got a bonus. So this new president fills the post and screws everyone over. Personally, if I took over a company right before Christmas, I’d make damn sure not to cause any disgruntled employees, I’m just saying. And don’t even tell me that there wasn’t enough in the budget. My facility makes mad cash. So yes, finding out today that there is no bonus coming was pretty upsetting. My company always talks about “employee appreciation”. Total BS!
Alright, now that I’ve ranted, I’m going to get serious. Lately, I’ve been pretty darn depressed, as you could most likely surmise by the title of this post. I’ve spoken of depression frequently, but right now, it is almost swallowing me up. I’ve been taking my medication. Hell, I’ve taken practically every medication; Paxil, Celexa, Zoloft, Buspar, Seroquel. I’m currently on Wellbutrin, Effexor, and Lamictal. I know that list doesn’t encompass every medication, there must be hundreds of psych meds (I work at a hospital, I see patients’ medication lists).
I see both a psychiatrist and a therapist. I’ll be seeing the therapist at the end of this month, he can’t prescribe meds, however. I won’t be seeing the psychiatrist until mid-February, unfortunately. I’m not looking forward to switching meds again. She’s mentioned Lithium several times in the past. I’m afraid that Lithium will be my next step. I also want to ask about Adderall or Ritalin, because I’m concerned that I may have attention deficit disorder. But I’m concerned that she will think I’m med-seeking. I’m sure you are all aware, those stimulants are often sold illegally for recreational purposes.
Lithium is a bit intimidating. I’ve read several articles in which it is considered the “gold standard” of mood stabilizers. However, there can be a great deal of side effects and it requires frequent lab monitoring. I believe that after the first dose, it is necessary to have levels drawn within 12 hours. There are several timed labs after that initial screening. I may consider giving it a try if I’m still in this pit when I see my psychiatrist.
Continuing on my discussion of depression, have you ever experienced it? If so, have you ever noticed how there are so many people who don’t get it? I’ll elaborate, people may say:
- “You just want attention.”
- “Why don’t you just be happy?”
- “Be thankful for what you have.”
- “You don’t need medication to be happy.”
It’s so frustrating! I want to explain to these people that being happy isn’t that simple; I am thankful for what I have, but those things I’m grateful for don’t take precedence in my thoughts at this moment; I’m sad and hurting inside, but I can’t put into words why I feel this way; and yes, I do want attention, I want a hug and I want someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay.
Buzzfeed is a website that caters to “generation y” IMO, (it also is a source I turn to to relieve my need to procrastinate). It touches upon pop culture, current events, nostalgia, issues, etc. It’s quite entertaining! The site often posts in an easy-to-read list format. Recently, there was a list that left a profound impact on me, 21 Comics That Capture The Frustrations of Depression. It seems like an oxymoron, doesn’t it? “Comic” and “Depression”. But to me, these comics so accurately depict the mental illness. I cried while reading them. You might too, I’m just warning you. It is a very uplifting feeling though, to know that there are others who understand what I am experiencing. Please check it out.