Tag Archives: obesity

This Upcoming Week Is Critical to My Success

Today I weighed in.  I gained 3.8 pounds.  In one week.  I feel gross.  After my disappointing weigh-in, I immediately imagined my trip to Super Walmart post-meeting, and what kinds of junk food I could purchase to binge on.  And earlier, I did just that.  I binged on a pint of Ben & Jerry’s “Mint Chocolate Cookie”, homemade tacos, and Smooth and Minty Melty Mints (or whatever they’re called).

The fact that they’re pastel makes them taste even more delicious!

This is classic behavior for me.  I put so much effort into my weight loss and then I get hungry or I feel deprived, and my effort all goes to shit.  It’s why I’m fat.  I was really off to a good start this time around.  I’ve lost more weight than I have in 5 years and I was getting compliments and clothes were fitting better and I just gave up.  Now, I’m back to having lost less than 20 pounds.  It was so important for me to lose those first 20 pounds.

That’s why it is so crucial that for the rest of this week, I really stick to the plan and do my tracking and exercise, even if it kills me.  And it is going to be tough.  I’m very certain of this.  I’m working tomorrow evening and after that, I have two weeks of freedom.  When my life isn’t structured (ie. when I’m not working), it is so much easier for me to forget the big picture.  I have no set schedule for anything, including dining.  When I’m not working, I can reach into those cupboards whenever I feel like it and grab something that may not be the best choice.

I am so worried.  I can’t give up.  I’ve done it so many times in the past.  I have all these dreams of what life will be like when I’m not an ogre.  Of course, I really don’t know if anything I picture will come true, but I do believe that if I’m normal-sized, certain scenarios will be more likely to become reality.  I like to imagine that when I’m normal, I’ll have more confidence, I’ll be able to have a relationship, I’ll be able to shop in the misses’ (or possibly, juniors’), department.

I’m 31, I’m running out of time to achieve my goals.  I hope I can survive and thrive during this week.

 

 

A Milestone Week Despite Some Setbacks

This week I reached a small milestone…I lost 1.6 pounds and I am now under 220 pounds (99.8 kg)!  This is really big and important to me.  For the past 4½ years, my weight has lingered around the 230-250 area.  Approximately 5 years ago, I made a big move back home (after living by myself in another state for a year).  The move was necessary to retain my sanity, yet it took a toll on my physical health.  I won’t go into any more details, but that is when my weight began to climb.  This milestone I reached today makes me feel that once again, I am headed in the right direction, I just need to get other areas of my life straightened out.

I am proud to say that I am continuing to follow the blogilates website and workout calendar and I am feeling a little bit stronger in performing some of the moves.  My next step forward, in achieving a healthy lifestyle, will be to return to the Y.  I continue to may my expensive membership fee, but I’m not going.  The truth is, I’m scared.  I know it’s irrational, but I am afraid that I will start working out and the gym-rats around me will all laugh at me.  I can admit this because I did a search and discovered that other people are afraid of this as well.  I’m going to keep trying to push myself to return and I know someday it’ll happen.  It would be so beneficial to be around other people.

It’s obvious that everything hasn’t been all “peachy-keen”.  There’s actually an issue that’s been bothering me for several weeks, and I just haven’t felt like bringing it up.  It’s regarding Steve again, so if you don’t want to listen to me whine about the-one-that-got-away, I totally understand, you can quit reading now.

Back in March or February of this year, Steve posted on my Facebook timeline about an event, he wrote “I thought of you” with a link to said event.  For months, I’d been hoping he’d contact me to invite me to go with him.  He never contacted me, so I figured, he’s so busy, he probably can’t go.  So, on the night of the event, I went on Facebook like usual, and lo-and-behold, my newsfeed shows a status update from him about the event.

Needless to say, I was very upset.  I’ve been with him to similar events before, he couldn’t have just invited me.  I immediately felt that feeling, like a punch in the gut, that I get whenever I feel slighted.  I didn’t expect him to hurt me like that, but I know I should expect it, he’s not the same person I knew several years ago.  I cannot wait until I lose 60 pounds (my halfway point).  I’m going to put a picture on Facebook of my progress and hopefully, he’ll feel regret for not keeping in touch with me.  But of course, I often fantasize about the way I want things to go and when it actually happens, it doesn’t pan out like I’d hoped.

I’d like to end this post in a positive/funny way.  Today I went to a department store and purchased some typical household items (shampoo, sunscreen, etc.) and some personal lubricant.  Yes, I admit it, I purchased tingling lubricant, figuring it’d just be a quick buy and the cashier would scan it and just throw it in the bag, not paying much attention to my purchases.  The cashier scanned my items, I payed.  Then, when she handed me the bag, she said “Have fun!”  I have to wonder what she meant by that.  Was she telling me to enjoy my lube?

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I’ve completed week 2 on the plan!

Friday is weigh-in day.  I was very much looking forward to this day because I felt so good about my performance this past week.  I got to Weight Watchers today and I discovered I lost 1.2 pounds.  It didn’t make me very happy.

I know I should be satisfied with that result.  After all, I could have gained weight.  But I just expected a bigger loss.  It could have a bit to do with Easter being this week.  It may be related to PMS.  It also might be related to a medication that I am on that can cause weight gain (and also constipation).  Whatever the cause, I’m quickly realizing that this is going to be a very long process.

I’m trying to be positive.  But it is so tough.  I keep thinking about the big picture, the 120 pounds that I want to drop.  I know that I should be thinking small.  Short-term goals are much easier to envision and are also rewarding in their own way.  I think my short-term goal will be the %10 loss.  If you’ve been to Weight Watchers, you know that you always start with a %5 and then a %10 loss as an accomplishment.  The Weight Watchers members and leaders make a big deal of it.

I guess it is a big deal.  Once, I lose my %10, I’m sure I’ll feel like I’m doing something right.  But thinking about how long it will take to lose that %10 makes me cringe.  I often daydream about hearing those magic phrases:

  • “Did you lose weight?”
  • “You’re doing a great job!”
  • “Keep up the good work!”
  • “You look great!”

I want it to be obvious that I’m making a change.  I want people to change their perceptions of  me.  I can’t honestly say that we’re all prejudiced because I really don’t know the statistics on that.  But I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.  I’m sure that many people see me for the first time and believe I’m lazy, stupid, clumsy, and smelly.  It’s just like when I see a girl that fits the definition of “hot”, I automatically think she’s a snobby bitch.  I want people to view me as someone who is making an effort, who cares about the way she looks.

What I really want is to start seeing results.  I want to feel accomplished and worth it.  I guess I just need to keep trying as hard as I can.  If you have any ideas for ways to stay motivated, please share them with me.

 

My Stats

The first half of a weight loss plan isn’t nearly as fun as the second half.  I haven’t lost much weight yet and it isn’t obvious to anyone that I’m making positive changes.  One of the hardest things about losing weight for me is the beginning, when it’s nearly impossible to envision the positive results of my hard work.  This is why I’ve taken some before snapshots and measurements.  I hope that once I’ve lost a decent amount of weight, I can look back at these pictures and realize just how far I’ve come.

I’ve decided to share the pictures and my measurements with my readers so that they can see where I’m coming from.  I’ll warn you now, the pictures aren’t pretty.  I hope that I will be able to share some more appealing statistics in the near future.

Measurements:

  • Chest – 49.5″, 125.73 cm
  • Hips – 48″, 121.92 cm
  • Waist – 42.5″, 107.95 cm
  • Arm Circumference – 16.25″, 41.275 cm
  • Leg Circumference (calf) – 14.75″, 37.465 cm
  • Leg Circumference (thigh) – 27.75″, 70.485 cm
  • Pants size – 18, 20
  • Shirt Size – XL, XXL
Identifying background images have been removed.

Identifying background images have been removed.

IMG_20130331_203045

I have a bra on, I just didn't want to show it on the internet.

I have a bra on, I just didn’t want to show it on the internet.

My "diabolical mustache" stomach.

My “diabolical mustache” stomach.

See what I mean by "diabolical mustache"?

See what I mean by “diabolical mustache”?

 

I’m back!

Just slightly over two years ago, I started writing about some major changes I had been  planning to carry out in my life.  So what has changed in my life?  I’m still single, I still live at home, I took up smoking again, I am still obese, I am still in need of friends, and I’m still depressed.  I want to make another go at it though.  I feel that if I continue to share my experience, I will make a difference for myself and possibly my readers. So bear with me, it’s going to be a slow start, but eventually, I’ll make you proud.

Weight, Body Image, and Diets

All these subjects are slightly different yet all are related. You will find that future posts will be heavily influenced by these topics. I’d like to touch upon all of them so that you can get a bit of background before I get to work on improving myself.

Weight is an issue that I have struggled with my entire life. When I was in sixth grade, at age 12, I first realized that I was overweight. This is when I began my first diet. From then on, my body continued to change, getting smaller, then bigger, over and over, like a sort of cycle. I don’t recall ever reaching the point of obesity until about 5 years ago. I’ve continued to gain weight since then.

Currently, I am the largest I’ve ever been, with a body mass index (BMI) of 37.6. This puts me in the obesity category. I cannot fathom how I did this to myself. I can’t remember when exactly I lost control and allowed myself to become this massive version of me. I have destroyed my body and I fear that some consequences of my overeating will leave an imprint on my body after I lose the weight.

Naturally, body image is closely linked to weight. I have always detested my appearance, even when I was smaller. I have never been thin enough. Now, I look back at those old photos of me and I wish that I could be that size again, but at the time, I remember feeling like I was too fat. There is always something wrong with my exterior. Especially now.

There is this term that I have encountered recently: “BBW” or “big, beautiful woman”. I find it hard to believe that anyone can be labeled as “big” and “beautiful” simultaneously. If you ask me, fat is not attractive. Fat is a condition, an illness, a curse. I am not big and beautiful, I am big and disgusting, an eyesore.

Will I lose weight and think of myself as beautiful? Most likely, no. There is a seemingly endless discussion about the media and its influence on women and I will never be as flawless as the girls on the screen or in the magazines. And what about when those girls gain weight, say 5 pounds? The reporters and writers are vicious with their criticism, splashing the “news” all over our television screens and tabloid mags. What is the biggest toll that all this weight drama takes on the non-famous? Our self-esteem, our confidence, and sometimes, our sanity.

Sanity, or lack there-of, leads to my next topic: diets. People attempt all kinds of crazy diets to try to reach perfection. I am not excluded. On my first attempt, at age 12, everything I ate had to be 5 grams of fat or less, I didn’t pay attention to calories, and I lost weight. I then tried the 20 grams of fat per day diet, at 14.  Again, I was successful. My parents took me to the pediatrician so that he could tell me that I didn’t need to lose any more weight. The following summer, I continued on my diet and I continued to be successful. So successful, that in high school, a girl who had been hospitalized for anorexia, actually sat with me one day at lunch to make sure I ate. At the time, it made me angry, now, I miss that concern.

When I gained again, I went to Weight Watchers and lost again. I continued to gain until my freshman year of college, when I tried throwing up. It was so satisfying one night when I ate too much Chinese food and then got rid of it. But that didn’t last long, family and roommates began to suspect. Towards the end of sophomore year, I joined Weight Watchers Online. I lost some weight, and that following summer, I joined the program and attended meetings. I lost a decent amount of weight. After that, my weight slowly increased. Two years later, I joined again, lost some weight, and then quit and gained. I think I joined 3 more times after and was unsuccessful. When I moved out and lived alone for a year, in 2007, I lost weight when I wasn’t even trying, because I was the one buying my food and there was nothing in my apartment to tempt me.  When I moved back home though, my weight increased incrementally, to my current state.

On this site, you will encounter a great deal of resolutions concerning weight loss, diet changes, and body image improvement. Thanks for reading and wish me luck!

weight gain

From 13-29, my journey from average to obese