Tag Archives: self-doubt

Is It October Yet? – Part 1

“It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear,
When it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year” – The Rembrandts

Sharp people will notice that I’ve quoted the theme from Friends up there.  Though I’ve never been a fan of Friends or its theme, I’ve always remembered this lyric. Sometimes it does feel like everything is against you.  This is exactly how I’ve felt all September.

Let me back up.  It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything so I’m going to try to get you up to speed.  On August 30, I’d gotten to a total weight loss of 27.1 pounds! It felt fantastic! Shortly after, September began and my life seemed to fall apart.

My birthday took place in the first week of September.  As you may know from past posts, I’ve been thinking a great deal about a guy-friend who I’ve known for years, who lately has just not been paying as much attention to me as before.  I was really hoping that he’d surprise me and write on my Facebook wall for my birthday, but that didn’t happen.  Needless to say, I was very disappointed for several days, it still bothers me, but I’m not thinking about it constantly.

During birthday week, I took the opportunity to eat what I wanted because I would be having cake anyway.  And believe me, I took advantage of that!  I ate tons of cookies, french fries, burgers, ice cream, cake, you name it.  Because I treated myself, I skipped Weight Watchers that week.  Not a bright idea, let me tell you.  I continued my feeding frenzy into the second week of September and skipped out on Weight Watchers this past Friday.  I continued to make poor eating choices over the weekend and I avoided tracking up until today.  I did fine today.  But eating all that junk definitely caught up with me.  I weighed myself at work (a hospital, so we have pretty decent scales), and I’ve gained nearly 10 pounds! Ten freaking pounds! I’m proud to say though, that I plan to follow the plan and track for the rest of this week and finally attend a meeting on Friday.

Also around a week and a half ago, I started to question my faith.  I’m Catholic, but I’m not religious.  I haven’t been to church probably since I could drive, way back in 1998.  I could drive myself and I had freedom so I chose not to go to church anymore.  Truthfully, I found it boring and I didn’t feel as if I got much out of it.  But I’ve always believed in God.

As I mentioned above, I work in a hospital.  We get patients with general medical concerns, people who have fallen, who’ve had mental status changes, who need to detox, etc.  But the main specialty of my unit is oncology so 95% of the time, cancer patients come to us.  Because we are the only unit in the hospital that treats this demographic, we see certain patients frequently and we get to know these patients.  I don’t know the patients very well as I’m not involved directly with patient care, however, I do recognize the names and have a general idea of their condition.

There is one patient in his 60s who was coming to our unit about every three weeks to receive chemotherapy.  He was at the unit so frequently and everyone on the floor got to know him and like him.  When he first came, around February I think, he did not have a great prognosis.  He had always been active and in great shape for his age, but the chemo had wiped him out.  He couldn’t go home because of his condition, so he’d cycle between our unit and a rehab hospital.

Soon though, changes began to happen and he could move around freely, he began to look healthy again, he was in good spirits.  It was a miraculous change over several months!  We stopped seeing him so often but we were kept abreast of his situation.  Then, about a week and a half ago, I heard that he now has two months left to live.

It was shocking and devastating to me.  As I said, I don’t really get to know many of the patients but this man seemed to be making such a miraculous recovery, that I was affected by the news too.  This is where my faith comes in.

I’m not sure now how to feel about God.  Should I continue to believe in Him?  God is supposed to be this forgiving, loving, caring being, who watches over us.  What kind of a God would give this man hope and then snatch that hope away from him?  Why would God do that?  I’ve been so angry and sad about this since I heard the news.  Why bother to pray when this is what happens?  Why put my faith in God?  The idea that this God could make someone believe that he will be cancer-free and then snatch that hope away, it just sickens me. I’m not sure what to believe about God anymore.  If there is a God, why would he be so cruel?  I want to witness a miracle, I want to be proven wrong.

 

The Skank/Self-Esteem Connection and What Determines Attraction?

Before I get into my topic, I’d like to first make a statement.  Do you know how certain words can be nearly synonymous yet have very different meanings in context?  For example: slut, hoe, whore, and skank.  I choose to use the word, “skank”, as opposed to the more vulgar- sounding “slut”.  Have you ever noticed how much anger and hatred is behind “slut”?  From this point forward, I vow to never use the word “slut” in any posts.  If I do use it, call me out on it, please.

Now on to the topics at hand.  In my previous post, I wrote briefly about my mistake of gauging a man’s date-worthiness based upon his appearance.  And what a mistake it was! To bring you up to speed, I recently received a message to my online dating profile from a good-looking, hot-bodied man.  I had my doubts in this man but I chose to ignore them because he was attractive.  Against my better judgement, I gave him my number so we could text. Mind you, this was after we’d exchanged around five one-sentence messages between us.  Hence, my first error.

His second text to me, after the obligatory “hellos”, was “Are you thick with big boobs?”  This was my second indication that he wasn’t such a nice guy.  However, I continued texting him, (mistake #2) although I did write that he didn’t seem to want what I want (a relationship), to which he responded something along the lines of, “you don’t know me, how do you know what I want?” His angry comment made me feel like a jerk, so I apologized for doubting his intentions. Thus, my third error.

After texting for about two hours, (which was mostly him asking about my boobs and my “booty”), he suggested conversing via webcam.  I agreed to this, making it mistake number four.  I put on a little makeup, signed in, and we connected.  He asked me to show him my cleavage and I complied, error #5.  But when he asked me to take my top off, I finally made the right decision and told him that I didn’t feel right doing this and our conversation was kaput.

Now that little story up there does have a point and is relevant to my title.  After the interaction with this man (I’ll call him James), the first thing that came to mind was “How do I always meet men that don’t want a relationship?”  This question led to my next question, (as well as part of the title) “What determines attraction?”

Maybe it has happened to you, you tend to meet people who share similar personality traits, goals, flaws, etc. like they are all cut from the same cloth.  This is my case, I often meet men who aren’t interested in anything more than hooking up.  But why does this happen?  What about me attracts a man who isn’t into a relationship?  And of course, what is it that attracts me to men who aren’t into relationships?  I don’t have the answers and I’m not quite sure where to find them.

This leads me to the other portion of the title.  As mentioned in the last paragraph, I tend to be attracted somehow, to men who aren’t into anything serious, despite the fact that I desire a serious, loving, long-term relationship.  I am ashamed to say that in my dating past, I would give into my partner’s needs, while ignoring my own.  I would jump into bed too fast hoping for a relationship to happen. I’ll admit it, I could be skanky.

Over ten years ago, I lost my virginity on a first date.  I told myself that I just wanted to not be a virgin anymore.  Never in my life had I imagined this monumental event to happen like this. I pictured romance and “I love yous” being declared.  I don’t regret it, I’m just ashamed to admit that I behaved in this way.  This was the beginning of my skanky lifestyle (or so I thought).

I didn’t hook up with a new guy every night.  My number isn’t high, it’s less than ten.  But I did tend to rush into things with several men.  Whether it was a one-night-stand, making out with a stranger at the bar, or letting some guy I just met touch my boobs.  I did all sorts of things to get guys to like me.

This is where self-esteem enters the picture.  I’m not sure what other women would think, but I believe my self-esteem is connected to my intimate behavior.  I need to feel wanted and I need to please a man to get that adoration from him.  It’s reassuring to know that a man is interested in me and oftentimes, its his attraction that makes me feel worth it.

Though, truthfully, the majority of these men weren’t interested in me.  They preyed on my vulnerability and most-likely, could sense my need for validation.  I hate the fact that a man’s opinion of me can still hold such high-standing in my life.  I hate the fact that I can’t respect myself enough to not go too far with a new man.  But I must say, that I am proud of myself for not showing my breasts online to James the Jerk.  And I suppose it’s a start, it’s showing that I’m headed in the right direction.

For the future, if I ever do get a date again, I want him to earn my sexuality.  I want him to get to know me first, to really appreciate and care about me and my feelings.  I want to respect myself and I want my partner to respect me as well.  Most of all, I really want to experience sex and love together.  I’ve never had that pleasure and I am so intrigued about the connection that must be felt when making love to a man who cares as opposed to a man who just doesn’t want to leave the bar alone.  With any luck, I’ll be able to experience my dream.