Tag Archives: self-esteem

I’m back, for a little while anyway. I’ve had every intention to write for quite some time and I’ve just never gotten around to it. For once, I have a little extra time and I’m going to take that time to do something I’ve missed.

I have been busy. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been back in school. I’m taking two online math courses from a community college in anticipation of going to grad school. You know what? It feels great to be exercising my brain once again! For me, it is very rewarding to come up with a solution to a math problem. I realize now, that I am a nerd, but I take great pride in that. Though I still feel lost, I feel like I’m slowly but surely discovering what I want to do in life, as well as, who I am. The pieces of the puzzle are coming together. Maybe I’m entering my second puberty?

Like puberty, there are setbacks in my life. In my last rambling post, I talked about how my weight hasn’t been changing. This is still true. I am not gaining, but not losing either. It’s not realistic anymore to think I will reach a 40 pound total weight loss by the end of 2013. I do have hope though, that I will surpass this rough spot, somehow. I really want to go to the Y, but I am so afraid of how I will be received, that it keeps me from getting there. It’s an irrational fear, I know. I’ve always had this hang-up about going to a gym. What if people point and laugh at me? I hope that very soon, I can walk in there and work out and be happy with myself.

My love life still sucks. I temporarily deactivated my okcupid account because I cannot get over Steve. I’ve also deactivated Facebook for the same reason. I want him to talk to me, but he won’t and I can’t deal. I can’t sit there, staring at my Facebook chat, and hoping for him to say “hello”. All I can hope for is to lose weight and be hot and put up a new picture of myself with someone fantastic so that I can make him jealous. Maybe he’ll remember me then? Anyway, until I’m healthier mentally, I can’t be faced with him, I can’t have any reminders of him. Someday I will be stronger and able to cope. I’m working on it, I really am.

 

 

 

Advertisements

Is It October Yet? – Part 1

“It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear,
When it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year” – The Rembrandts

Sharp people will notice that I’ve quoted the theme from Friends up there.  Though I’ve never been a fan of Friends or its theme, I’ve always remembered this lyric. Sometimes it does feel like everything is against you.  This is exactly how I’ve felt all September.

Let me back up.  It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything so I’m going to try to get you up to speed.  On August 30, I’d gotten to a total weight loss of 27.1 pounds! It felt fantastic! Shortly after, September began and my life seemed to fall apart.

My birthday took place in the first week of September.  As you may know from past posts, I’ve been thinking a great deal about a guy-friend who I’ve known for years, who lately has just not been paying as much attention to me as before.  I was really hoping that he’d surprise me and write on my Facebook wall for my birthday, but that didn’t happen.  Needless to say, I was very disappointed for several days, it still bothers me, but I’m not thinking about it constantly.

During birthday week, I took the opportunity to eat what I wanted because I would be having cake anyway.  And believe me, I took advantage of that!  I ate tons of cookies, french fries, burgers, ice cream, cake, you name it.  Because I treated myself, I skipped Weight Watchers that week.  Not a bright idea, let me tell you.  I continued my feeding frenzy into the second week of September and skipped out on Weight Watchers this past Friday.  I continued to make poor eating choices over the weekend and I avoided tracking up until today.  I did fine today.  But eating all that junk definitely caught up with me.  I weighed myself at work (a hospital, so we have pretty decent scales), and I’ve gained nearly 10 pounds! Ten freaking pounds! I’m proud to say though, that I plan to follow the plan and track for the rest of this week and finally attend a meeting on Friday.

Also around a week and a half ago, I started to question my faith.  I’m Catholic, but I’m not religious.  I haven’t been to church probably since I could drive, way back in 1998.  I could drive myself and I had freedom so I chose not to go to church anymore.  Truthfully, I found it boring and I didn’t feel as if I got much out of it.  But I’ve always believed in God.

As I mentioned above, I work in a hospital.  We get patients with general medical concerns, people who have fallen, who’ve had mental status changes, who need to detox, etc.  But the main specialty of my unit is oncology so 95% of the time, cancer patients come to us.  Because we are the only unit in the hospital that treats this demographic, we see certain patients frequently and we get to know these patients.  I don’t know the patients very well as I’m not involved directly with patient care, however, I do recognize the names and have a general idea of their condition.

There is one patient in his 60s who was coming to our unit about every three weeks to receive chemotherapy.  He was at the unit so frequently and everyone on the floor got to know him and like him.  When he first came, around February I think, he did not have a great prognosis.  He had always been active and in great shape for his age, but the chemo had wiped him out.  He couldn’t go home because of his condition, so he’d cycle between our unit and a rehab hospital.

Soon though, changes began to happen and he could move around freely, he began to look healthy again, he was in good spirits.  It was a miraculous change over several months!  We stopped seeing him so often but we were kept abreast of his situation.  Then, about a week and a half ago, I heard that he now has two months left to live.

It was shocking and devastating to me.  As I said, I don’t really get to know many of the patients but this man seemed to be making such a miraculous recovery, that I was affected by the news too.  This is where my faith comes in.

I’m not sure now how to feel about God.  Should I continue to believe in Him?  God is supposed to be this forgiving, loving, caring being, who watches over us.  What kind of a God would give this man hope and then snatch that hope away from him?  Why would God do that?  I’ve been so angry and sad about this since I heard the news.  Why bother to pray when this is what happens?  Why put my faith in God?  The idea that this God could make someone believe that he will be cancer-free and then snatch that hope away, it just sickens me. I’m not sure what to believe about God anymore.  If there is a God, why would he be so cruel?  I want to witness a miracle, I want to be proven wrong.

 

One Down, Two to Go

I spoke of goals a while back.  I’m proud to say that I’ve achieved one of my long-term goals for 2013. I am signed up to take classes this semester! It is my first step towards my future career. I decided to do online courses because it’s just easier for me. I’m only fulfilling some prerequisites right now, but it feels great to know I’ll be learning again! I have every intention of getting an A in each math class so that I can apply to a certain prestigious school when I’ve completed my prereqs.

In my post about goals, I revealed that I really want to swim again. I haven’t started swimming yet, but I have a pretty good idea of how I will get into that. I’ve recently learned about Masters Swimming. I am looking forward to being part of a team, as well as competing. There are just two things preventing me from swimming: smoking (because swimming can leave me breathless), and my boobs (because I’m afraid they will escape my swimsuit). I hope that I can stop smoking and start swimming. Nothing makes me feel more empowered than swimming.

The Skank/Self-Esteem Connection and What Determines Attraction?

Before I get into my topic, I’d like to first make a statement.  Do you know how certain words can be nearly synonymous yet have very different meanings in context?  For example: slut, hoe, whore, and skank.  I choose to use the word, “skank”, as opposed to the more vulgar- sounding “slut”.  Have you ever noticed how much anger and hatred is behind “slut”?  From this point forward, I vow to never use the word “slut” in any posts.  If I do use it, call me out on it, please.

Now on to the topics at hand.  In my previous post, I wrote briefly about my mistake of gauging a man’s date-worthiness based upon his appearance.  And what a mistake it was! To bring you up to speed, I recently received a message to my online dating profile from a good-looking, hot-bodied man.  I had my doubts in this man but I chose to ignore them because he was attractive.  Against my better judgement, I gave him my number so we could text. Mind you, this was after we’d exchanged around five one-sentence messages between us.  Hence, my first error.

His second text to me, after the obligatory “hellos”, was “Are you thick with big boobs?”  This was my second indication that he wasn’t such a nice guy.  However, I continued texting him, (mistake #2) although I did write that he didn’t seem to want what I want (a relationship), to which he responded something along the lines of, “you don’t know me, how do you know what I want?” His angry comment made me feel like a jerk, so I apologized for doubting his intentions. Thus, my third error.

After texting for about two hours, (which was mostly him asking about my boobs and my “booty”), he suggested conversing via webcam.  I agreed to this, making it mistake number four.  I put on a little makeup, signed in, and we connected.  He asked me to show him my cleavage and I complied, error #5.  But when he asked me to take my top off, I finally made the right decision and told him that I didn’t feel right doing this and our conversation was kaput.

Now that little story up there does have a point and is relevant to my title.  After the interaction with this man (I’ll call him James), the first thing that came to mind was “How do I always meet men that don’t want a relationship?”  This question led to my next question, (as well as part of the title) “What determines attraction?”

Maybe it has happened to you, you tend to meet people who share similar personality traits, goals, flaws, etc. like they are all cut from the same cloth.  This is my case, I often meet men who aren’t interested in anything more than hooking up.  But why does this happen?  What about me attracts a man who isn’t into a relationship?  And of course, what is it that attracts me to men who aren’t into relationships?  I don’t have the answers and I’m not quite sure where to find them.

This leads me to the other portion of the title.  As mentioned in the last paragraph, I tend to be attracted somehow, to men who aren’t into anything serious, despite the fact that I desire a serious, loving, long-term relationship.  I am ashamed to say that in my dating past, I would give into my partner’s needs, while ignoring my own.  I would jump into bed too fast hoping for a relationship to happen. I’ll admit it, I could be skanky.

Over ten years ago, I lost my virginity on a first date.  I told myself that I just wanted to not be a virgin anymore.  Never in my life had I imagined this monumental event to happen like this. I pictured romance and “I love yous” being declared.  I don’t regret it, I’m just ashamed to admit that I behaved in this way.  This was the beginning of my skanky lifestyle (or so I thought).

I didn’t hook up with a new guy every night.  My number isn’t high, it’s less than ten.  But I did tend to rush into things with several men.  Whether it was a one-night-stand, making out with a stranger at the bar, or letting some guy I just met touch my boobs.  I did all sorts of things to get guys to like me.

This is where self-esteem enters the picture.  I’m not sure what other women would think, but I believe my self-esteem is connected to my intimate behavior.  I need to feel wanted and I need to please a man to get that adoration from him.  It’s reassuring to know that a man is interested in me and oftentimes, its his attraction that makes me feel worth it.

Though, truthfully, the majority of these men weren’t interested in me.  They preyed on my vulnerability and most-likely, could sense my need for validation.  I hate the fact that a man’s opinion of me can still hold such high-standing in my life.  I hate the fact that I can’t respect myself enough to not go too far with a new man.  But I must say, that I am proud of myself for not showing my breasts online to James the Jerk.  And I suppose it’s a start, it’s showing that I’m headed in the right direction.

For the future, if I ever do get a date again, I want him to earn my sexuality.  I want him to get to know me first, to really appreciate and care about me and my feelings.  I want to respect myself and I want my partner to respect me as well.  Most of all, I really want to experience sex and love together.  I’ve never had that pleasure and I am so intrigued about the connection that must be felt when making love to a man who cares as opposed to a man who just doesn’t want to leave the bar alone.  With any luck, I’ll be able to experience my dream.

This Upcoming Week Is Critical to My Success

Today I weighed in.  I gained 3.8 pounds.  In one week.  I feel gross.  After my disappointing weigh-in, I immediately imagined my trip to Super Walmart post-meeting, and what kinds of junk food I could purchase to binge on.  And earlier, I did just that.  I binged on a pint of Ben & Jerry’s “Mint Chocolate Cookie”, homemade tacos, and Smooth and Minty Melty Mints (or whatever they’re called).

The fact that they’re pastel makes them taste even more delicious!

This is classic behavior for me.  I put so much effort into my weight loss and then I get hungry or I feel deprived, and my effort all goes to shit.  It’s why I’m fat.  I was really off to a good start this time around.  I’ve lost more weight than I have in 5 years and I was getting compliments and clothes were fitting better and I just gave up.  Now, I’m back to having lost less than 20 pounds.  It was so important for me to lose those first 20 pounds.

That’s why it is so crucial that for the rest of this week, I really stick to the plan and do my tracking and exercise, even if it kills me.  And it is going to be tough.  I’m very certain of this.  I’m working tomorrow evening and after that, I have two weeks of freedom.  When my life isn’t structured (ie. when I’m not working), it is so much easier for me to forget the big picture.  I have no set schedule for anything, including dining.  When I’m not working, I can reach into those cupboards whenever I feel like it and grab something that may not be the best choice.

I am so worried.  I can’t give up.  I’ve done it so many times in the past.  I have all these dreams of what life will be like when I’m not an ogre.  Of course, I really don’t know if anything I picture will come true, but I do believe that if I’m normal-sized, certain scenarios will be more likely to become reality.  I like to imagine that when I’m normal, I’ll have more confidence, I’ll be able to have a relationship, I’ll be able to shop in the misses’ (or possibly, juniors’), department.

I’m 31, I’m running out of time to achieve my goals.  I hope I can survive and thrive during this week.

 

 

More Praise for Blogilates!

If you’ve read some recent posts of mine, you may have noticed that I’ve mentioned Blogilates a few times.  I really cannot say enough about this website.  Cassey Ho, the young woman who runs this blog seems to really care about her followers.  I’ll admit, the first minute I caught of a Pop Pilates video turned me off. You see, Cassey, is ultra-enthusiastic and super-perky.  For a chronic pessimist such as myself, it seemed a bit much.  But, after visiting her website and actually watching some of her videos, I’ve really grown to like her.

In fact, I realized that I am probably a bit jealous of this woman. I envy her determination and her seemingly non-stop positive attitude! It’s obvious that she is very dedicated to her readers and really wants others to live healthy and to gain confidence.  Today, while perusing her blog, I found this post and I actually started to cry.  Since fifth grade, when I first noticed that I was overweight, I’ve thought of myself as less of a person.  It’s distressing to think that now,  girls in elementary school believe the same thing about themselves.

I’m sharing this post with you because if you are like me, you probably need a pick-me-up, a bit of encouragement, once in awhile.

Tell Me When This is Supposed to Make Me Feel Better

I just came back from “therapy”.  I’ve always imagined therapy to be an appointment in which the patient discusses her issues and the counselor listens and provides insight.  That is true.  However, I’d also believed therapy would be helpful (ie. therapeutic) and after the session, the patient would feel a bit better, lighter, having lost a great weight off her shoulders from talking about her issues and gaining the insight of the counselor.  If I judged it by the session I had this morning, I’d have to say that my second belief about therapy was a giant misconception.

I left today feeling more upset than I did when I went in.  I was looking forward to my session, I’ve been feeling really lousy lately.  I wanted to talk about my recent Facebook deactivation.  I needed reassurance that maybe Steve just didn’t get my message.  I didn’t get any reassurance.  I can’t quote my counselor verbatim, but his response was basically “Chalk it up to him not being into you and move on.”

I’ve read the book, “He’s Just Not That Into You”, and I must say that it was eye-opening and insightful.  I still have the book and perhaps I should read it again.  I think it’s imperative for a woman like myself, one with a history of failed relationships (or in my case, “un-relationships”),  whose self-confidence is destroyed because of her consistent failure with men, to read.  It needs to be understood by women like me.

However, having heard this from my counselor today, I don’t feel better or stronger or smarter.  I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut.  It hurts.  I really thought that maybe, for once, this guy (Steve) was into me.  Having heard it from my counselor, whom I shall now refer to as Dr. BadNews, I know it’s the truth.  I’ve been trying to avoid admitting it to myself, but I can’t anymore.  What used to be, isn’t anymore and I need to stop dwelling on it.  Deep down, I know I need to move on and meet someone who will love me as much as I love him.

That brings me to my other dilemma.  How do I meet someone I like?  I joined OKCupid and I put up a revealing picture of myself, one that was taken a year ago.  By revealing, I don’t mean that I was wearing lingerie.  (I’m sorry to give you that visual).  I mean that it was a picture that showed my face and body as they are now, unfortunately.  The picture showed me in all my fat glory.  I guess it makes more sense to be realistic than to put up a picture of myself from 8 years ago, when I was semi-approachable.

The pickings are slim though.  The men who emailed me, all three of them, do not do much for me.  Forgive me if you think I’m being a jerk, but one of the biggest turn-offs for me is a man who responds to my profile with an un-proofread email.  I can’t stand grammar, spelling, and punctuation errors.  It’s a huge tip-off to me that he isn’t intelligent.  But as I’ve said, there are slim pickings out there.

The only men who respond to me are probably doing so in desperation.  No one wants to date someone like me.  Do I settle?  Or do I keep looking for someone with whom a mutual attraction is shared?  I’m running out of time, part of me thinks I should just settle.  Whatever happens, I want to date someone soon so I can get Steve out of my mind.

Have you ever seen pictures of people trying to be “bad-ass”, in which they’re flipping the bird at the camera?  I’ve never been one of those people.  But I do keep seeing this image in my mind of myself flipping the double bird at the camera.  I want to post this as my Facebook profile pic if I lose those 120 pounds and end up with a wonderful man and move out of my parents’ house.  I want to caption it with, “This is to everyone who gave up on me.”