Tag Archives: sex

The Skank/Self-Esteem Connection and What Determines Attraction?

Before I get into my topic, I’d like to first make a statement.  Do you know how certain words can be nearly synonymous yet have very different meanings in context?  For example: slut, hoe, whore, and skank.  I choose to use the word, “skank”, as opposed to the more vulgar- sounding “slut”.  Have you ever noticed how much anger and hatred is behind “slut”?  From this point forward, I vow to never use the word “slut” in any posts.  If I do use it, call me out on it, please.

Now on to the topics at hand.  In my previous post, I wrote briefly about my mistake of gauging a man’s date-worthiness based upon his appearance.  And what a mistake it was! To bring you up to speed, I recently received a message to my online dating profile from a good-looking, hot-bodied man.  I had my doubts in this man but I chose to ignore them because he was attractive.  Against my better judgement, I gave him my number so we could text. Mind you, this was after we’d exchanged around five one-sentence messages between us.  Hence, my first error.

His second text to me, after the obligatory “hellos”, was “Are you thick with big boobs?”  This was my second indication that he wasn’t such a nice guy.  However, I continued texting him, (mistake #2) although I did write that he didn’t seem to want what I want (a relationship), to which he responded something along the lines of, “you don’t know me, how do you know what I want?” His angry comment made me feel like a jerk, so I apologized for doubting his intentions. Thus, my third error.

After texting for about two hours, (which was mostly him asking about my boobs and my “booty”), he suggested conversing via webcam.  I agreed to this, making it mistake number four.  I put on a little makeup, signed in, and we connected.  He asked me to show him my cleavage and I complied, error #5.  But when he asked me to take my top off, I finally made the right decision and told him that I didn’t feel right doing this and our conversation was kaput.

Now that little story up there does have a point and is relevant to my title.  After the interaction with this man (I’ll call him James), the first thing that came to mind was “How do I always meet men that don’t want a relationship?”  This question led to my next question, (as well as part of the title) “What determines attraction?”

Maybe it has happened to you, you tend to meet people who share similar personality traits, goals, flaws, etc. like they are all cut from the same cloth.  This is my case, I often meet men who aren’t interested in anything more than hooking up.  But why does this happen?  What about me attracts a man who isn’t into a relationship?  And of course, what is it that attracts me to men who aren’t into relationships?  I don’t have the answers and I’m not quite sure where to find them.

This leads me to the other portion of the title.  As mentioned in the last paragraph, I tend to be attracted somehow, to men who aren’t into anything serious, despite the fact that I desire a serious, loving, long-term relationship.  I am ashamed to say that in my dating past, I would give into my partner’s needs, while ignoring my own.  I would jump into bed too fast hoping for a relationship to happen. I’ll admit it, I could be skanky.

Over ten years ago, I lost my virginity on a first date.  I told myself that I just wanted to not be a virgin anymore.  Never in my life had I imagined this monumental event to happen like this. I pictured romance and “I love yous” being declared.  I don’t regret it, I’m just ashamed to admit that I behaved in this way.  This was the beginning of my skanky lifestyle (or so I thought).

I didn’t hook up with a new guy every night.  My number isn’t high, it’s less than ten.  But I did tend to rush into things with several men.  Whether it was a one-night-stand, making out with a stranger at the bar, or letting some guy I just met touch my boobs.  I did all sorts of things to get guys to like me.

This is where self-esteem enters the picture.  I’m not sure what other women would think, but I believe my self-esteem is connected to my intimate behavior.  I need to feel wanted and I need to please a man to get that adoration from him.  It’s reassuring to know that a man is interested in me and oftentimes, its his attraction that makes me feel worth it.

Though, truthfully, the majority of these men weren’t interested in me.  They preyed on my vulnerability and most-likely, could sense my need for validation.  I hate the fact that a man’s opinion of me can still hold such high-standing in my life.  I hate the fact that I can’t respect myself enough to not go too far with a new man.  But I must say, that I am proud of myself for not showing my breasts online to James the Jerk.  And I suppose it’s a start, it’s showing that I’m headed in the right direction.

For the future, if I ever do get a date again, I want him to earn my sexuality.  I want him to get to know me first, to really appreciate and care about me and my feelings.  I want to respect myself and I want my partner to respect me as well.  Most of all, I really want to experience sex and love together.  I’ve never had that pleasure and I am so intrigued about the connection that must be felt when making love to a man who cares as opposed to a man who just doesn’t want to leave the bar alone.  With any luck, I’ll be able to experience my dream.

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Playing Games with the FWB

Today I’m going to be blunt, so if you’re not prepared for a little sex talk, then divert your eyes. Otherwise, I promise not to be too graphic.

Today, I confess to my readers that I have an FWB, a “Friend-with-Benefits”.  (Some might use the more vulgar term, “Fuck Buddy“.)  I’d call it a commensalistic symbiotic relationship.  He’s the one who benefits, I’m unaffected.  I don’t see him very much, our opposing schedules prevent that.  I did see him more about four years ago, when we started “sort-of dating”.

Flashback to 2009, we would hang out every weekend (of course, I had every weekend free at that time).  One day, after mediocre sex, he said something along the lines of “I don’t want a relationship”.  It upset me and I cried in front of him, like a clingy psycho.  We took a two-week break, then we started seeing each other again.  That was short-lived, as one night, I thought it was a good time to tell him over AIM (that’s AOL Instant Messenger), that he shouldn’t contact me anymore because he was using me.  The end?

No, about a year later, he contacted me through Facebook.  He sent me a message where he said he wanted to talk.  A few days after we started talking again, I visited him at his apartment and that is how our whole friends-with-benefits-who-mainly-sext-each-other relationship began.

So, flash-forward to the present.  We’ve been sexting for awhile, and as I’ve said, we rarely get to see each other.  Earlier this week we were texting and as usual, he asked when I could come visit.  I told him I could see him this weekend (ie. today).  This morning, I get a text from him that basically says, “I’m too busy, sorry”.  Mind you, I haven’t visited this guy in a year.  It pissed me off to the point that I am still pissed as I post this.

I hate being pissed about it though!  As I mentioned, I don’t benefit.  His idea of a good time is having sex with my boobs…Seriously…that’s what he’s into.  We text quite often and it’s always about “tit-fucking“.  In the past, I’ve said to him in a multitude of ways, “that does nothing for me.”  I’ve come up with three conclusions as to why nothing has changed: A) He didn’t hear me, B) He doesn’t get it, or, C) He ignores me.  I believe it is the latter.

The first time we fooled around, way back when I started seeing him in ’09, we made out for a bit and then moved on to boob-sex.  As you can imagine, he was completely de-clothed, I was topless.  I was thinking to myself, “here it comes, he’s going to put his hand in my jeans, rub me a bit, then reach into my panties and rub me some more.  He’ll put his fingers in me and make me feel good.  Maybe he’ll even put his mouth on me.”

Those things didn’t happen, however he did get up to procure a condom from his closet.  While he was doing that, I started to warm myself up, if you know what I mean.  He saw me doing that, got back onto the bed, and told me to roll the condom onto him.  I started to, and he moved away, saying something along the lines of “don’t touch it, you were just touching yourself”.  WHAT?!?!  I’d never been so insulted.

To this day, four years later, he still has not touched me there.  Today, I’m asking myself, “WTF????  Why am I so angry that he didn’t invite me over?  Why do I care if I see him again?”  He continues to text about how he wants to cum in my mouth or on my breasts.  But he never discusses pleasuring me.  Why do I put up with this shit?  The one thing I do enjoy about being with him is falling asleep next to him.  I like to imagine that he is my friend, the one who so innocently told me I was beautiful 9 years ago.  Sigh….

Now, here’s where my game-playing comes into the picture.  Next time he texts, I’m prepared to not text back.  It’s my immaturity rearing its ugly head.  I’ve found that one of the best tactics to infuriate someone is to ignore them.  Everyone hates the silent treatment and it feels so good to get a man pissed off and wondering what he’s done to deserve the cold shoulder.  Now imagine, Alex in “Fatal Attraction”.  YES! That’s the reaction I want!

One of the recommended links is “Mammary Intercourse”.  How absurd and hilarious!