I just came back from “therapy”. I’ve always imagined therapy to be an appointment in which the patient discusses her issues and the counselor listens and provides insight. That is true. However, I’d also believed therapy would be helpful (ie. therapeutic) and after the session, the patient would feel a bit better, lighter, having lost a great weight off her shoulders from talking about her issues and gaining the insight of the counselor. If I judged it by the session I had this morning, I’d have to say that my second belief about therapy was a giant misconception.
I left today feeling more upset than I did when I went in. I was looking forward to my session, I’ve been feeling really lousy lately. I wanted to talk about my recent Facebook deactivation. I needed reassurance that maybe Steve just didn’t get my message. I didn’t get any reassurance. I can’t quote my counselor verbatim, but his response was basically “Chalk it up to him not being into you and move on.”
I’ve read the book, “He’s Just Not That Into You”, and I must say that it was eye-opening and insightful. I still have the book and perhaps I should read it again. I think it’s imperative for a woman like myself, one with a history of failed relationships (or in my case, “un-relationships”), whose self-confidence is destroyed because of her consistent failure with men, to read. It needs to be understood by women like me.
However, having heard this from my counselor today, I don’t feel better or stronger or smarter. I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. It hurts. I really thought that maybe, for once, this guy (Steve) was into me. Having heard it from my counselor, whom I shall now refer to as Dr. BadNews, I know it’s the truth. I’ve been trying to avoid admitting it to myself, but I can’t anymore. What used to be, isn’t anymore and I need to stop dwelling on it. Deep down, I know I need to move on and meet someone who will love me as much as I love him.
That brings me to my other dilemma. How do I meet someone I like? I joined OKCupid and I put up a revealing picture of myself, one that was taken a year ago. By revealing, I don’t mean that I was wearing lingerie. (I’m sorry to give you that visual). I mean that it was a picture that showed my face and body as they are now, unfortunately. The picture showed me in all my fat glory. I guess it makes more sense to be realistic than to put up a picture of myself from 8 years ago, when I was semi-approachable.
The pickings are slim though. The men who emailed me, all three of them, do not do much for me. Forgive me if you think I’m being a jerk, but one of the biggest turn-offs for me is a man who responds to my profile with an un-proofread email. I can’t stand grammar, spelling, and punctuation errors. It’s a huge tip-off to me that he isn’t intelligent. But as I’ve said, there are slim pickings out there.
The only men who respond to me are probably doing so in desperation. No one wants to date someone like me. Do I settle? Or do I keep looking for someone with whom a mutual attraction is shared? I’m running out of time, part of me thinks I should just settle. Whatever happens, I want to date someone soon so I can get Steve out of my mind.
Have you ever seen pictures of people trying to be “bad-ass”, in which they’re flipping the bird at the camera? I’ve never been one of those people. But I do keep seeing this image in my mind of myself flipping the double bird at the camera. I want to post this as my Facebook profile pic if I lose those 120 pounds and end up with a wonderful man and move out of my parents’ house. I want to caption it with, “This is to everyone who gave up on me.”