I have a confession to make. I’ve started smoking again. One day, while I was smoking my e-cigarette, I realized, I just want to taste my cigarette. It’s not the smoking I need to give up, it’s the nicotine. With the electronic cigarette, I was getting my daily dose of nicotine (and then some), but I wasn’t enjoying that Marlboro 27 taste I love so much. Those who’ve never smoked can’t understand how a cigarette can taste enjoyable. That’s the best way I can explain the taste, “enjoyable”.
I do intend to quit nicotine, though I’m not sure when. I know that it is possible, as I was able to quit for 6 weeks two years ago. I may make it a resolution later this year, but most-likely I’ll do it on my own and share the news once I’ve kicked the habit for good.
And now, something that’s been bothering me tonight. I was at work and one of my co-workers said to me “I think you’re depressed”. Well, that’s pretty obvious. I’m sure I must come off that way to everyone because I am, in fact, depressed. Then she said “what are you going to do?” This particular co-worker is often looking out for me. She knows I’m unhappy with my life and she would like to see me break out of my funk. Then she said something that really struck a chord with me.
“I feel like I’m stuck in neutral and everyone else is moving past me.” I said.
“Well, no offense, but that’s true. You aren’t doing anything about it.” She said.
She wants me to go back to school. I would like to go back to school, but that would mean continuing to live with my parents. I’ve hoped to get a new job that pays better so I can move out. I’m 31. I hate my life. I hate living at home. I’m so embarrassed and afraid to meet new people. I can’t tell a potential friend or boyfriend that I live at home with my parents, but then again, I can’t move out because I don’t have a job that pays enough for me to live on my own. If i go back to school and get a Master’s Degree, I could eventually have a job that pays better and doesn’t make me feel ashamed. I hate being so indecisive.
I’m such a loser. What do I do?