Tag Archives: Weight loss

I’m back, for a little while anyway. I’ve had every intention to write for quite some time and I’ve just never gotten around to it. For once, I have a little extra time and I’m going to take that time to do something I’ve missed.

I have been busy. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been back in school. I’m taking two online math courses from a community college in anticipation of going to grad school. You know what? It feels great to be exercising my brain once again! For me, it is very rewarding to come up with a solution to a math problem. I realize now, that I am a nerd, but I take great pride in that. Though I still feel lost, I feel like I’m slowly but surely discovering what I want to do in life, as well as, who I am. The pieces of the puzzle are coming together. Maybe I’m entering my second puberty?

Like puberty, there are setbacks in my life. In my last rambling post, I talked about how my weight hasn’t been changing. This is still true. I am not gaining, but not losing either. It’s not realistic anymore to think I will reach a 40 pound total weight loss by the end of 2013. I do have hope though, that I will surpass this rough spot, somehow. I really want to go to the Y, but I am so afraid of how I will be received, that it keeps me from getting there. It’s an irrational fear, I know. I’ve always had this hang-up about going to a gym. What if people point and laugh at me? I hope that very soon, I can walk in there and work out and be happy with myself.

My love life still sucks. I temporarily deactivated my okcupid account because I cannot get over Steve. I’ve also deactivated Facebook for the same reason. I want him to talk to me, but he won’t and I can’t deal. I can’t sit there, staring at my Facebook chat, and hoping for him to say “hello”. All I can hope for is to lose weight and be hot and put up a new picture of myself with someone fantastic so that I can make him jealous. Maybe he’ll remember me then? Anyway, until I’m healthier mentally, I can’t be faced with him, I can’t have any reminders of him. Someday I will be stronger and able to cope. I’m working on it, I really am.

 

 

 

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Back At It

Hey, long time, no see. I haven’t abandoned the blog, I just got sucked into a blog-related project. I’ve been trying my hand at graphic design so that I can change the appearance of this beast. I really want Little Resolutions to look somewhat professional. Through this process of transformation, I’ve become hyper-aware of little quirks that distinguish me as obsessive-compulsive. For instance, I’ve been so wrapped up in perfecting my redesign, that I totally neglected the most important feature of any blog: posting.

You’re probably wondering what I’ve been up to since I started my little project.  I’ve continued to attend Weight Watchers’ meetings. I’ve lost more than 26 pounds and it feels great! I’m hoping to reach 30 pounds by the end of August. It’s taking me a long time but I think thirty pounds by the end of this month is do-able. Four more pounds to lose, wish me luck!

I’m hoping to lose about 45 pounds by early October. I think this number is achievable. Why early October? Well, I’m going to a concert for a band I’ve loved for eons. There will be boys there! Most importantly though, Steve might be going! Of course, I’m not certain that he’s thinking of attending the show. I do know, however, that he is also a fan of this band, as well as being a fan of live shows. My fingers are crossed!

I fantasize about seeing him there. I do this every time I’m excited about something. I imagine intimate conversations in which the perfect dialogue exists. I imagine all my dreams coming true and living “happily ever after.” I’m not psychic, so these fictional events never become reality.

What I’m hoping for this time, is for him to be at this concert. I want him to see me and remember me and miss me. I want him to notice that I’ve lost weight (over 20 pounds since I last saw him!). I want him to tell me I’m beautiful again.

On top of all the desires I’ve listed above, the thing I want the most is, to hurt him, really hurt him. I want to hurt him like he’s hurt me. I want to make him feel ignored and undesirable. I want to make him feel damaged. My tried-and-true solution is The Silent Treatment. I know from experience (from both sides), that it works. People hate to be ignored, the receiver is left wondering what he/she did to deserve it. I shouldn’t be so vindictive, but it brings me such sweet satisfaction.

 

This Upcoming Week Is Critical to My Success

Today I weighed in.  I gained 3.8 pounds.  In one week.  I feel gross.  After my disappointing weigh-in, I immediately imagined my trip to Super Walmart post-meeting, and what kinds of junk food I could purchase to binge on.  And earlier, I did just that.  I binged on a pint of Ben & Jerry’s “Mint Chocolate Cookie”, homemade tacos, and Smooth and Minty Melty Mints (or whatever they’re called).

The fact that they’re pastel makes them taste even more delicious!

This is classic behavior for me.  I put so much effort into my weight loss and then I get hungry or I feel deprived, and my effort all goes to shit.  It’s why I’m fat.  I was really off to a good start this time around.  I’ve lost more weight than I have in 5 years and I was getting compliments and clothes were fitting better and I just gave up.  Now, I’m back to having lost less than 20 pounds.  It was so important for me to lose those first 20 pounds.

That’s why it is so crucial that for the rest of this week, I really stick to the plan and do my tracking and exercise, even if it kills me.  And it is going to be tough.  I’m very certain of this.  I’m working tomorrow evening and after that, I have two weeks of freedom.  When my life isn’t structured (ie. when I’m not working), it is so much easier for me to forget the big picture.  I have no set schedule for anything, including dining.  When I’m not working, I can reach into those cupboards whenever I feel like it and grab something that may not be the best choice.

I am so worried.  I can’t give up.  I’ve done it so many times in the past.  I have all these dreams of what life will be like when I’m not an ogre.  Of course, I really don’t know if anything I picture will come true, but I do believe that if I’m normal-sized, certain scenarios will be more likely to become reality.  I like to imagine that when I’m normal, I’ll have more confidence, I’ll be able to have a relationship, I’ll be able to shop in the misses’ (or possibly, juniors’), department.

I’m 31, I’m running out of time to achieve my goals.  I hope I can survive and thrive during this week.

 

 

More Praise for Blogilates!

If you’ve read some recent posts of mine, you may have noticed that I’ve mentioned Blogilates a few times.  I really cannot say enough about this website.  Cassey Ho, the young woman who runs this blog seems to really care about her followers.  I’ll admit, the first minute I caught of a Pop Pilates video turned me off. You see, Cassey, is ultra-enthusiastic and super-perky.  For a chronic pessimist such as myself, it seemed a bit much.  But, after visiting her website and actually watching some of her videos, I’ve really grown to like her.

In fact, I realized that I am probably a bit jealous of this woman. I envy her determination and her seemingly non-stop positive attitude! It’s obvious that she is very dedicated to her readers and really wants others to live healthy and to gain confidence.  Today, while perusing her blog, I found this post and I actually started to cry.  Since fifth grade, when I first noticed that I was overweight, I’ve thought of myself as less of a person.  It’s distressing to think that now,  girls in elementary school believe the same thing about themselves.

I’m sharing this post with you because if you are like me, you probably need a pick-me-up, a bit of encouragement, once in awhile.

A Milestone Week Despite Some Setbacks

This week I reached a small milestone…I lost 1.6 pounds and I am now under 220 pounds (99.8 kg)!  This is really big and important to me.  For the past 4½ years, my weight has lingered around the 230-250 area.  Approximately 5 years ago, I made a big move back home (after living by myself in another state for a year).  The move was necessary to retain my sanity, yet it took a toll on my physical health.  I won’t go into any more details, but that is when my weight began to climb.  This milestone I reached today makes me feel that once again, I am headed in the right direction, I just need to get other areas of my life straightened out.

I am proud to say that I am continuing to follow the blogilates website and workout calendar and I am feeling a little bit stronger in performing some of the moves.  My next step forward, in achieving a healthy lifestyle, will be to return to the Y.  I continue to may my expensive membership fee, but I’m not going.  The truth is, I’m scared.  I know it’s irrational, but I am afraid that I will start working out and the gym-rats around me will all laugh at me.  I can admit this because I did a search and discovered that other people are afraid of this as well.  I’m going to keep trying to push myself to return and I know someday it’ll happen.  It would be so beneficial to be around other people.

It’s obvious that everything hasn’t been all “peachy-keen”.  There’s actually an issue that’s been bothering me for several weeks, and I just haven’t felt like bringing it up.  It’s regarding Steve again, so if you don’t want to listen to me whine about the-one-that-got-away, I totally understand, you can quit reading now.

Back in March or February of this year, Steve posted on my Facebook timeline about an event, he wrote “I thought of you” with a link to said event.  For months, I’d been hoping he’d contact me to invite me to go with him.  He never contacted me, so I figured, he’s so busy, he probably can’t go.  So, on the night of the event, I went on Facebook like usual, and lo-and-behold, my newsfeed shows a status update from him about the event.

Needless to say, I was very upset.  I’ve been with him to similar events before, he couldn’t have just invited me.  I immediately felt that feeling, like a punch in the gut, that I get whenever I feel slighted.  I didn’t expect him to hurt me like that, but I know I should expect it, he’s not the same person I knew several years ago.  I cannot wait until I lose 60 pounds (my halfway point).  I’m going to put a picture on Facebook of my progress and hopefully, he’ll feel regret for not keeping in touch with me.  But of course, I often fantasize about the way I want things to go and when it actually happens, it doesn’t pan out like I’d hoped.

I’d like to end this post in a positive/funny way.  Today I went to a department store and purchased some typical household items (shampoo, sunscreen, etc.) and some personal lubricant.  Yes, I admit it, I purchased tingling lubricant, figuring it’d just be a quick buy and the cashier would scan it and just throw it in the bag, not paying much attention to my purchases.  The cashier scanned my items, I payed.  Then, when she handed me the bag, she said “Have fun!”  I have to wonder what she meant by that.  Was she telling me to enjoy my lube?

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My Stats Part II

So, I did it this week. I made it to 20 pounds (20.4 to be exact)!  It feels great to be able to say that I’ve lost 20 pounds!  I must say though, losing 20 pounds did not live up to my expectations.

For awhile now, I’ve been getting compliments at work.  People have been telling me that they’ve noticed that I’ve lost weight, which is fantastic!  My work pants are very loose as well (I don’t even need to touch the buttons, I can just pull the pants off or on)!

So imagine my surprise (and disappointment), when I tried on my old pants that are one size smaller.  The majority of my size 18 pants don’t fit.  It is very upsetting to me.  I thought that 20 pounds would be the magic number and I’d be able to fit into a smaller size.  No such luck.

So now, I need to ask myself (as well as my readers), when will I fit into my size 18 pants again?  I’ve been trying very hard and results are showing, but my size has stayed the same. My bra size has not decreased either and that makes me even more upset.  My chest size makes me feel like a freak.  My biggest fear, in respect to this lifestyle change, is that my bra size will be large no matter how much weight I lose in the end.

I’ve shared my recent accomplishments and dilemmas, now it’s time to get to the good stuff; the results!  I made a chart in Excel that I hope is easy to read and I’ve included pictures.  To see comparison pictures, go to my Weight Loss Progress page.  Note: I had to adjust some of the before statistics because I think I measured incorrectly.  For instance, some of my current measurements before adjustment, were higher than my previous measurements.

chart

Combo Picture

I’m Almost There….

Have you ever been on a weight loss plan, and if so, have you ever had one of those weeks where you were 99% certain that you would see results on weigh-in day?  This past week was one of those weeks.  One week ago, I made a vow to myself to count every point I put in my mouth.  See, that’s what I’m supposed to do, but often it slips my mind, or I am so embarrassed by everything I’ve eaten that I don’t want to record it, or I just give up and go on a feeding frenzy.  I didn’t give up this past week and it was one of my most successful weeks!

I lost 3.8 pounds (1.72 kg) this week and it feels fantastic!  I’ve lost a total of 18.5 pounds and people are really starting to notice!  I love hearing people say that I’ve been doing well.  It is such a motivator, and believe me, I need all the motivation I can get!  Back in March, when I lost 2 pounds at my first weigh-in, I thought I’d never get this far.  It feels phenomenal, and I’m really looking forward to being attractive.

My plan is to put a picture of myself on Facebook when I’ve lost 60 pounds (27.22 kg).  I want to lose a total of 120 pounds (54.43 kg) so 60 is my halfway point.  I want people to be proud of me and to realize that I’m trying to improve my life. Most of all, I want a compliment from the boy.

I should mention that I have been doing a great job of going to Weight Watchers meetings. I’ve joined and quit after about a month for the past 3 times I’ve joined Weight Watchers (I hope that makes sense).  This time around, I’ve been going for almost 3 months.  I don’t know where this motivation is coming from, but I’m pretty stoked about it!  Perhaps I’m becoming a glass-half-full kind of gal?  The other day, I was thinking and I said to myself, “It will take forever to lose all this weight.”  Then, my optimistic side took over and said “I’ve lost almost 20 pounds, that’s a huge accomplishment!”  Hopefully, next week I’ll be able to say that I’ve lost 20 pounds total.  Once I’ve lost 20, I’m going to take my camera out again and show my before/after shots and stats.