Tag Archives: Weight Watchers

Is It October Yet? – Part 1

“It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear,
When it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year” – The Rembrandts

Sharp people will notice that I’ve quoted the theme from Friends up there.  Though I’ve never been a fan of Friends or its theme, I’ve always remembered this lyric. Sometimes it does feel like everything is against you.  This is exactly how I’ve felt all September.

Let me back up.  It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything so I’m going to try to get you up to speed.  On August 30, I’d gotten to a total weight loss of 27.1 pounds! It felt fantastic! Shortly after, September began and my life seemed to fall apart.

My birthday took place in the first week of September.  As you may know from past posts, I’ve been thinking a great deal about a guy-friend who I’ve known for years, who lately has just not been paying as much attention to me as before.  I was really hoping that he’d surprise me and write on my Facebook wall for my birthday, but that didn’t happen.  Needless to say, I was very disappointed for several days, it still bothers me, but I’m not thinking about it constantly.

During birthday week, I took the opportunity to eat what I wanted because I would be having cake anyway.  And believe me, I took advantage of that!  I ate tons of cookies, french fries, burgers, ice cream, cake, you name it.  Because I treated myself, I skipped Weight Watchers that week.  Not a bright idea, let me tell you.  I continued my feeding frenzy into the second week of September and skipped out on Weight Watchers this past Friday.  I continued to make poor eating choices over the weekend and I avoided tracking up until today.  I did fine today.  But eating all that junk definitely caught up with me.  I weighed myself at work (a hospital, so we have pretty decent scales), and I’ve gained nearly 10 pounds! Ten freaking pounds! I’m proud to say though, that I plan to follow the plan and track for the rest of this week and finally attend a meeting on Friday.

Also around a week and a half ago, I started to question my faith.  I’m Catholic, but I’m not religious.  I haven’t been to church probably since I could drive, way back in 1998.  I could drive myself and I had freedom so I chose not to go to church anymore.  Truthfully, I found it boring and I didn’t feel as if I got much out of it.  But I’ve always believed in God.

As I mentioned above, I work in a hospital.  We get patients with general medical concerns, people who have fallen, who’ve had mental status changes, who need to detox, etc.  But the main specialty of my unit is oncology so 95% of the time, cancer patients come to us.  Because we are the only unit in the hospital that treats this demographic, we see certain patients frequently and we get to know these patients.  I don’t know the patients very well as I’m not involved directly with patient care, however, I do recognize the names and have a general idea of their condition.

There is one patient in his 60s who was coming to our unit about every three weeks to receive chemotherapy.  He was at the unit so frequently and everyone on the floor got to know him and like him.  When he first came, around February I think, he did not have a great prognosis.  He had always been active and in great shape for his age, but the chemo had wiped him out.  He couldn’t go home because of his condition, so he’d cycle between our unit and a rehab hospital.

Soon though, changes began to happen and he could move around freely, he began to look healthy again, he was in good spirits.  It was a miraculous change over several months!  We stopped seeing him so often but we were kept abreast of his situation.  Then, about a week and a half ago, I heard that he now has two months left to live.

It was shocking and devastating to me.  As I said, I don’t really get to know many of the patients but this man seemed to be making such a miraculous recovery, that I was affected by the news too.  This is where my faith comes in.

I’m not sure now how to feel about God.  Should I continue to believe in Him?  God is supposed to be this forgiving, loving, caring being, who watches over us.  What kind of a God would give this man hope and then snatch that hope away from him?  Why would God do that?  I’ve been so angry and sad about this since I heard the news.  Why bother to pray when this is what happens?  Why put my faith in God?  The idea that this God could make someone believe that he will be cancer-free and then snatch that hope away, it just sickens me. I’m not sure what to believe about God anymore.  If there is a God, why would he be so cruel?  I want to witness a miracle, I want to be proven wrong.

 

This Upcoming Week Is Critical to My Success

Today I weighed in.  I gained 3.8 pounds.  In one week.  I feel gross.  After my disappointing weigh-in, I immediately imagined my trip to Super Walmart post-meeting, and what kinds of junk food I could purchase to binge on.  And earlier, I did just that.  I binged on a pint of Ben & Jerry’s “Mint Chocolate Cookie”, homemade tacos, and Smooth and Minty Melty Mints (or whatever they’re called).

The fact that they’re pastel makes them taste even more delicious!

This is classic behavior for me.  I put so much effort into my weight loss and then I get hungry or I feel deprived, and my effort all goes to shit.  It’s why I’m fat.  I was really off to a good start this time around.  I’ve lost more weight than I have in 5 years and I was getting compliments and clothes were fitting better and I just gave up.  Now, I’m back to having lost less than 20 pounds.  It was so important for me to lose those first 20 pounds.

That’s why it is so crucial that for the rest of this week, I really stick to the plan and do my tracking and exercise, even if it kills me.  And it is going to be tough.  I’m very certain of this.  I’m working tomorrow evening and after that, I have two weeks of freedom.  When my life isn’t structured (ie. when I’m not working), it is so much easier for me to forget the big picture.  I have no set schedule for anything, including dining.  When I’m not working, I can reach into those cupboards whenever I feel like it and grab something that may not be the best choice.

I am so worried.  I can’t give up.  I’ve done it so many times in the past.  I have all these dreams of what life will be like when I’m not an ogre.  Of course, I really don’t know if anything I picture will come true, but I do believe that if I’m normal-sized, certain scenarios will be more likely to become reality.  I like to imagine that when I’m normal, I’ll have more confidence, I’ll be able to have a relationship, I’ll be able to shop in the misses’ (or possibly, juniors’), department.

I’m 31, I’m running out of time to achieve my goals.  I hope I can survive and thrive during this week.

 

 

A Milestone Week Despite Some Setbacks

This week I reached a small milestone…I lost 1.6 pounds and I am now under 220 pounds (99.8 kg)!  This is really big and important to me.  For the past 4½ years, my weight has lingered around the 230-250 area.  Approximately 5 years ago, I made a big move back home (after living by myself in another state for a year).  The move was necessary to retain my sanity, yet it took a toll on my physical health.  I won’t go into any more details, but that is when my weight began to climb.  This milestone I reached today makes me feel that once again, I am headed in the right direction, I just need to get other areas of my life straightened out.

I am proud to say that I am continuing to follow the blogilates website and workout calendar and I am feeling a little bit stronger in performing some of the moves.  My next step forward, in achieving a healthy lifestyle, will be to return to the Y.  I continue to may my expensive membership fee, but I’m not going.  The truth is, I’m scared.  I know it’s irrational, but I am afraid that I will start working out and the gym-rats around me will all laugh at me.  I can admit this because I did a search and discovered that other people are afraid of this as well.  I’m going to keep trying to push myself to return and I know someday it’ll happen.  It would be so beneficial to be around other people.

It’s obvious that everything hasn’t been all “peachy-keen”.  There’s actually an issue that’s been bothering me for several weeks, and I just haven’t felt like bringing it up.  It’s regarding Steve again, so if you don’t want to listen to me whine about the-one-that-got-away, I totally understand, you can quit reading now.

Back in March or February of this year, Steve posted on my Facebook timeline about an event, he wrote “I thought of you” with a link to said event.  For months, I’d been hoping he’d contact me to invite me to go with him.  He never contacted me, so I figured, he’s so busy, he probably can’t go.  So, on the night of the event, I went on Facebook like usual, and lo-and-behold, my newsfeed shows a status update from him about the event.

Needless to say, I was very upset.  I’ve been with him to similar events before, he couldn’t have just invited me.  I immediately felt that feeling, like a punch in the gut, that I get whenever I feel slighted.  I didn’t expect him to hurt me like that, but I know I should expect it, he’s not the same person I knew several years ago.  I cannot wait until I lose 60 pounds (my halfway point).  I’m going to put a picture on Facebook of my progress and hopefully, he’ll feel regret for not keeping in touch with me.  But of course, I often fantasize about the way I want things to go and when it actually happens, it doesn’t pan out like I’d hoped.

I’d like to end this post in a positive/funny way.  Today I went to a department store and purchased some typical household items (shampoo, sunscreen, etc.) and some personal lubricant.  Yes, I admit it, I purchased tingling lubricant, figuring it’d just be a quick buy and the cashier would scan it and just throw it in the bag, not paying much attention to my purchases.  The cashier scanned my items, I payed.  Then, when she handed me the bag, she said “Have fun!”  I have to wonder what she meant by that.  Was she telling me to enjoy my lube?

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To Date, or Not to Date, That is the Question…

Today was weigh-in day.  I lost 0.8 pounds, which is satisfactory, considering I went off the wagon over the past two weeks.  Although, I haven’t been tracking my points like I should have been, I did make a positive change.  Last week, while perusing Youtube for workout videos, I discovered a series of videos from one particular user.  Through further link-following, I came upon Cassey Ho’s blog, called Blogilates.

We need more blogs like this.  Cassey Ho is a pilates instructor who posts free videos, healthy recipes, inspirational stories/photos, and advice.  She sells clothing and accessories as well.  She also provides a monthly calendar to help readers keep up with a fitness regimen.  I printed the beginner’s workout calendar (because fitness is an alien concept to me), and I’ve been working out to her videos over the past 3 days.  Though it sounds cliche, I’m really feeling the burn!  I can feel the strain in my upper abs and thighs.  If you are looking for a little inspiration, I highly suggest checking out her site!

Now, onto my question.  What do I do about dating?  I’m currently on two free dating sites:

logos

“OK Cupid” is far superior to “Plenty of Fish” in my opinion.  On OKC you can be much more selective.  OKC allows the user to add much more information, and in turn, get more information about a romantic interest.  OK Cupid also allows more parameters for excluding certain users from contact.

Anyway, this isn’t a post comparing free online dating sites.  This is a post in which I need some advice and reassurance.

My writing partner isn't very good at giving advice.

My writing partner isn’t very good at giving advice.

Should I attempt to date now, before I’ve lost weight, while I’m still fat?  Or, should I wait until I’ve lost 80 pounds.  (I want to lose 120 pounds total, but 80 is when I think I will be “average”).  I have a pretty clear idea of what I want, but so far, the pickings are slim.  Considering that I’m not ideal, I shouldn’t be so picky when looking for a man.  I should just be happy that anyone emails me.  But I do have discriminating taste, and that’s something I really can’t help.

I want to meet a man who’s attractive, funny, and smart.  My mailboxes are filled with messages from guys that can’t seem to put a sentence together!  I can’t stand “text-speak” or multiple spelling/grammar/punctuation mistakes.  Guys, put a little effort into it!  I’m not asking for a MENSA member, but please, utilize your dictionary.

Okay, now that I’ve ranted a bit, back to my topic: Is it appropriate to be looking for a date now?  Do you think any man that would be willing to date me is desperate?  I don’t want to just be someone’s “easy-lay”.  (You know, because I’m so undesirable and lonely, men probably assume I’ll date anyone).  Do you think there’s an ideal man for someone who isn’t ideal?  Any advice would be well-received!

My Stats Part II

So, I did it this week. I made it to 20 pounds (20.4 to be exact)!  It feels great to be able to say that I’ve lost 20 pounds!  I must say though, losing 20 pounds did not live up to my expectations.

For awhile now, I’ve been getting compliments at work.  People have been telling me that they’ve noticed that I’ve lost weight, which is fantastic!  My work pants are very loose as well (I don’t even need to touch the buttons, I can just pull the pants off or on)!

So imagine my surprise (and disappointment), when I tried on my old pants that are one size smaller.  The majority of my size 18 pants don’t fit.  It is very upsetting to me.  I thought that 20 pounds would be the magic number and I’d be able to fit into a smaller size.  No such luck.

So now, I need to ask myself (as well as my readers), when will I fit into my size 18 pants again?  I’ve been trying very hard and results are showing, but my size has stayed the same. My bra size has not decreased either and that makes me even more upset.  My chest size makes me feel like a freak.  My biggest fear, in respect to this lifestyle change, is that my bra size will be large no matter how much weight I lose in the end.

I’ve shared my recent accomplishments and dilemmas, now it’s time to get to the good stuff; the results!  I made a chart in Excel that I hope is easy to read and I’ve included pictures.  To see comparison pictures, go to my Weight Loss Progress page.  Note: I had to adjust some of the before statistics because I think I measured incorrectly.  For instance, some of my current measurements before adjustment, were higher than my previous measurements.

chart

Combo Picture

I’m Almost There….

Have you ever been on a weight loss plan, and if so, have you ever had one of those weeks where you were 99% certain that you would see results on weigh-in day?  This past week was one of those weeks.  One week ago, I made a vow to myself to count every point I put in my mouth.  See, that’s what I’m supposed to do, but often it slips my mind, or I am so embarrassed by everything I’ve eaten that I don’t want to record it, or I just give up and go on a feeding frenzy.  I didn’t give up this past week and it was one of my most successful weeks!

I lost 3.8 pounds (1.72 kg) this week and it feels fantastic!  I’ve lost a total of 18.5 pounds and people are really starting to notice!  I love hearing people say that I’ve been doing well.  It is such a motivator, and believe me, I need all the motivation I can get!  Back in March, when I lost 2 pounds at my first weigh-in, I thought I’d never get this far.  It feels phenomenal, and I’m really looking forward to being attractive.

My plan is to put a picture of myself on Facebook when I’ve lost 60 pounds (27.22 kg).  I want to lose a total of 120 pounds (54.43 kg) so 60 is my halfway point.  I want people to be proud of me and to realize that I’m trying to improve my life. Most of all, I want a compliment from the boy.

I should mention that I have been doing a great job of going to Weight Watchers meetings. I’ve joined and quit after about a month for the past 3 times I’ve joined Weight Watchers (I hope that makes sense).  This time around, I’ve been going for almost 3 months.  I don’t know where this motivation is coming from, but I’m pretty stoked about it!  Perhaps I’m becoming a glass-half-full kind of gal?  The other day, I was thinking and I said to myself, “It will take forever to lose all this weight.”  Then, my optimistic side took over and said “I’ve lost almost 20 pounds, that’s a huge accomplishment!”  Hopefully, next week I’ll be able to say that I’ve lost 20 pounds total.  Once I’ve lost 20, I’m going to take my camera out again and show my before/after shots and stats.

Not Ready To Give Up Just Yet

I’d almost given up.  I thought about it.  I’ve been questioning my ability to lose weight and I’ve missed two weeks of Weight Watchers since I’d last written.  For a little while, I had given up on this blog as well.  There aren’t a lot of people interested in what I have to say and I don’t always see the results I had hoped for.  But then I realized that I’m writing this blog for myself.  The comments and followers and likes I get are just bonuses.  I’m keeping this blog so that some day I can look back and see how far I’ve come.  

Lately, I haven’t gotten very far.  I’ve now lost a total of 14.7 pounds.  I had really hoped to be 20 pounds lighter by this time.  But during those weeks where I gave in to my cravings or just said “oh, what the hell?”, I didn’t progress.  I’m proud to say that over the past week, I lost 1.2 pounds and feel that I am headed on the right track once again.

I’d like to see a decent weight loss by the end of the summer.  I know that I will not be under 200 pounds by Labor Day, that’s just unrealistic.  But, I do believe I can lose a total of 30 pounds by that time.  I’m almost halfway there!

In other parts of my life, I haven’t improved much.  I’m still hoping that he will contact me.  I go on Facebook each night in anticipation of chatting with him.  It doesn’t happen.  I’m too afraid to say anything to him in fear that we will have nothing to say to each other.  It’s like a dull ache that I try to ignore while living my life and then there are times where the pain just takes over and feels like a fresh punch to the gut.  

I don’t know how anyone can care so much for someone but hate that someone so much at the same time.  From experience, I’ve gathered that the people who can hurt me the most are the ones I care for the most.  I just want so much to stop caring because it’s obvious that he could care less about me.  

What I’m really afraid of, is not taking a chance with someone else because there’s still this hope deep inside, this hope that we will rectify our broken friendship and eventually, he’ll tell me I’m beautiful again.  It’s such a contradiction to who I am.  I think of myself as a cynic–the ultimate pessimist–but I still have this hope.  I want the hope to go away so that I can just forget about him.