Tag Archives: Weight

Do I Have The Right to be Picky?

Greetings! I’ve been keeping up with Weight Watchers as much as I can, but I haven’t seen the results I’d hoped to see by this time. It’s okay though, I’ve no intention of quitting. I’m proud to say, I went last week and I am down to about 0.2 pounds more than I was at my lowest point this year (in August). I hope to be able to attend meetings more regularly as I’ve been using Friday mornings (WW meeting day) to take my weekly online quizzes for school. I have finals in a few days and then I can relax for a bit before starting again in January. Hopefully, during this period, I’ll also be able to work very hard at my goals.

If you’ve read my blog before, you know that I frequently discuss love and relationships and dating. I’ve recently been spending more time on okcupid.com.  Last weekend, I spent a good chunk of time speaking on the phone with a man from the site.  I spoke to him for probably 6 hours total on Saturday, on Sunday, I didn’t speak with him much, he was out with friends. On Monday, he texted me in the morning because he had fallen asleep and hadn’t spoken to me in awhile. I texted him when I was at work. He texted me when I got home from work and then he called me. And then, while speaking to him very early in the morning, Tuesday,  I realized, I’m really not into him. The conversation wasn’t flowing, we really didn’t have much to say to each other. And guess what? I’m okay with this.

It used to be that I would take offense when men would lose interest in me, but this time, it was fine. I realized that yes, we have stuff in common, but no, he doesn’t make me laugh. He also seemed to be very cynical, and considering that I’m cynical as well, it just wouldn’t work. I need someone to balance out my pessimism. It’s nice sometimes, to commiserate with someone, but other times, I want to be lifted. I want to talk to someone who hasn’t given up hope. Maybe I’m less of a pessimist than I’d originally thought?

But now I’m going to go right back to being a “Debbie Downer” and question my choices. As a fat woman, do I have the right to be picky about the men I talk to? I mean, for a girl like me, the pickings are slim. There are some men who say they like big girls, bbws, thick chicks, whatever. But from what I’ve experienced, the men who are attracted to women like me, aren’t very attractive to me.

I shouldn’t be so choosy about men. I’m a fat girl, I should be happy that any man is talking to me. I have no right to pick and choose what men deserve my time. But I can’t date someone who I’m not attracted to. I’ve done that before, I think it was because I just was sick of being single, and it sucked. So what, do I settle?

I’ve been searching for sites that answer questions or show pictures or tell stories about men who like full-figured women.  I’ve been trying to make myself feel better. I want to fall in love, and I want to know that it is possible for a man to fall in love with me. I still hope to lose weight, I just don’t want to wait until I’m average-sized to start dating. The loneliness is killing me…

Here are a few links to some of the sites I’ve found that give me a bit of hope:

http://www.themilitantbaker.com/2013/03/things-no-one-will-tell-fat-girls-so-i.html

http://fuckyeahfatchicksskinnyguys.tumblr.com/

http://askaguywholikesfatchicks.tumblr.com/

http://magiclistofguyswholikefatgirls.tumblr.com/

http://www.lardbiscuit.com/lard/truefa.html

http://thehairpin.com/2010/12/i-like-fat-chicks-questions

http://www.pinterest.com/mybabykatiepaw/big-girls-their-guys/

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I’m back, for a little while anyway. I’ve had every intention to write for quite some time and I’ve just never gotten around to it. For once, I have a little extra time and I’m going to take that time to do something I’ve missed.

I have been busy. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been back in school. I’m taking two online math courses from a community college in anticipation of going to grad school. You know what? It feels great to be exercising my brain once again! For me, it is very rewarding to come up with a solution to a math problem. I realize now, that I am a nerd, but I take great pride in that. Though I still feel lost, I feel like I’m slowly but surely discovering what I want to do in life, as well as, who I am. The pieces of the puzzle are coming together. Maybe I’m entering my second puberty?

Like puberty, there are setbacks in my life. In my last rambling post, I talked about how my weight hasn’t been changing. This is still true. I am not gaining, but not losing either. It’s not realistic anymore to think I will reach a 40 pound total weight loss by the end of 2013. I do have hope though, that I will surpass this rough spot, somehow. I really want to go to the Y, but I am so afraid of how I will be received, that it keeps me from getting there. It’s an irrational fear, I know. I’ve always had this hang-up about going to a gym. What if people point and laugh at me? I hope that very soon, I can walk in there and work out and be happy with myself.

My love life still sucks. I temporarily deactivated my okcupid account because I cannot get over Steve. I’ve also deactivated Facebook for the same reason. I want him to talk to me, but he won’t and I can’t deal. I can’t sit there, staring at my Facebook chat, and hoping for him to say “hello”. All I can hope for is to lose weight and be hot and put up a new picture of myself with someone fantastic so that I can make him jealous. Maybe he’ll remember me then? Anyway, until I’m healthier mentally, I can’t be faced with him, I can’t have any reminders of him. Someday I will be stronger and able to cope. I’m working on it, I really am.

 

 

 

Back At It

Hey, long time, no see. I haven’t abandoned the blog, I just got sucked into a blog-related project. I’ve been trying my hand at graphic design so that I can change the appearance of this beast. I really want Little Resolutions to look somewhat professional. Through this process of transformation, I’ve become hyper-aware of little quirks that distinguish me as obsessive-compulsive. For instance, I’ve been so wrapped up in perfecting my redesign, that I totally neglected the most important feature of any blog: posting.

You’re probably wondering what I’ve been up to since I started my little project.  I’ve continued to attend Weight Watchers’ meetings. I’ve lost more than 26 pounds and it feels great! I’m hoping to reach 30 pounds by the end of August. It’s taking me a long time but I think thirty pounds by the end of this month is do-able. Four more pounds to lose, wish me luck!

I’m hoping to lose about 45 pounds by early October. I think this number is achievable. Why early October? Well, I’m going to a concert for a band I’ve loved for eons. There will be boys there! Most importantly though, Steve might be going! Of course, I’m not certain that he’s thinking of attending the show. I do know, however, that he is also a fan of this band, as well as being a fan of live shows. My fingers are crossed!

I fantasize about seeing him there. I do this every time I’m excited about something. I imagine intimate conversations in which the perfect dialogue exists. I imagine all my dreams coming true and living “happily ever after.” I’m not psychic, so these fictional events never become reality.

What I’m hoping for this time, is for him to be at this concert. I want him to see me and remember me and miss me. I want him to notice that I’ve lost weight (over 20 pounds since I last saw him!). I want him to tell me I’m beautiful again.

On top of all the desires I’ve listed above, the thing I want the most is, to hurt him, really hurt him. I want to hurt him like he’s hurt me. I want to make him feel ignored and undesirable. I want to make him feel damaged. My tried-and-true solution is The Silent Treatment. I know from experience (from both sides), that it works. People hate to be ignored, the receiver is left wondering what he/she did to deserve it. I shouldn’t be so vindictive, but it brings me such sweet satisfaction.

 

This Upcoming Week Is Critical to My Success

Today I weighed in.  I gained 3.8 pounds.  In one week.  I feel gross.  After my disappointing weigh-in, I immediately imagined my trip to Super Walmart post-meeting, and what kinds of junk food I could purchase to binge on.  And earlier, I did just that.  I binged on a pint of Ben & Jerry’s “Mint Chocolate Cookie”, homemade tacos, and Smooth and Minty Melty Mints (or whatever they’re called).

The fact that they’re pastel makes them taste even more delicious!

This is classic behavior for me.  I put so much effort into my weight loss and then I get hungry or I feel deprived, and my effort all goes to shit.  It’s why I’m fat.  I was really off to a good start this time around.  I’ve lost more weight than I have in 5 years and I was getting compliments and clothes were fitting better and I just gave up.  Now, I’m back to having lost less than 20 pounds.  It was so important for me to lose those first 20 pounds.

That’s why it is so crucial that for the rest of this week, I really stick to the plan and do my tracking and exercise, even if it kills me.  And it is going to be tough.  I’m very certain of this.  I’m working tomorrow evening and after that, I have two weeks of freedom.  When my life isn’t structured (ie. when I’m not working), it is so much easier for me to forget the big picture.  I have no set schedule for anything, including dining.  When I’m not working, I can reach into those cupboards whenever I feel like it and grab something that may not be the best choice.

I am so worried.  I can’t give up.  I’ve done it so many times in the past.  I have all these dreams of what life will be like when I’m not an ogre.  Of course, I really don’t know if anything I picture will come true, but I do believe that if I’m normal-sized, certain scenarios will be more likely to become reality.  I like to imagine that when I’m normal, I’ll have more confidence, I’ll be able to have a relationship, I’ll be able to shop in the misses’ (or possibly, juniors’), department.

I’m 31, I’m running out of time to achieve my goals.  I hope I can survive and thrive during this week.

 

 

To Date, or Not to Date, That is the Question…

Today was weigh-in day.  I lost 0.8 pounds, which is satisfactory, considering I went off the wagon over the past two weeks.  Although, I haven’t been tracking my points like I should have been, I did make a positive change.  Last week, while perusing Youtube for workout videos, I discovered a series of videos from one particular user.  Through further link-following, I came upon Cassey Ho’s blog, called Blogilates.

We need more blogs like this.  Cassey Ho is a pilates instructor who posts free videos, healthy recipes, inspirational stories/photos, and advice.  She sells clothing and accessories as well.  She also provides a monthly calendar to help readers keep up with a fitness regimen.  I printed the beginner’s workout calendar (because fitness is an alien concept to me), and I’ve been working out to her videos over the past 3 days.  Though it sounds cliche, I’m really feeling the burn!  I can feel the strain in my upper abs and thighs.  If you are looking for a little inspiration, I highly suggest checking out her site!

Now, onto my question.  What do I do about dating?  I’m currently on two free dating sites:

logos

“OK Cupid” is far superior to “Plenty of Fish” in my opinion.  On OKC you can be much more selective.  OKC allows the user to add much more information, and in turn, get more information about a romantic interest.  OK Cupid also allows more parameters for excluding certain users from contact.

Anyway, this isn’t a post comparing free online dating sites.  This is a post in which I need some advice and reassurance.

My writing partner isn't very good at giving advice.

My writing partner isn’t very good at giving advice.

Should I attempt to date now, before I’ve lost weight, while I’m still fat?  Or, should I wait until I’ve lost 80 pounds.  (I want to lose 120 pounds total, but 80 is when I think I will be “average”).  I have a pretty clear idea of what I want, but so far, the pickings are slim.  Considering that I’m not ideal, I shouldn’t be so picky when looking for a man.  I should just be happy that anyone emails me.  But I do have discriminating taste, and that’s something I really can’t help.

I want to meet a man who’s attractive, funny, and smart.  My mailboxes are filled with messages from guys that can’t seem to put a sentence together!  I can’t stand “text-speak” or multiple spelling/grammar/punctuation mistakes.  Guys, put a little effort into it!  I’m not asking for a MENSA member, but please, utilize your dictionary.

Okay, now that I’ve ranted a bit, back to my topic: Is it appropriate to be looking for a date now?  Do you think any man that would be willing to date me is desperate?  I don’t want to just be someone’s “easy-lay”.  (You know, because I’m so undesirable and lonely, men probably assume I’ll date anyone).  Do you think there’s an ideal man for someone who isn’t ideal?  Any advice would be well-received!

I’m Almost There….

Have you ever been on a weight loss plan, and if so, have you ever had one of those weeks where you were 99% certain that you would see results on weigh-in day?  This past week was one of those weeks.  One week ago, I made a vow to myself to count every point I put in my mouth.  See, that’s what I’m supposed to do, but often it slips my mind, or I am so embarrassed by everything I’ve eaten that I don’t want to record it, or I just give up and go on a feeding frenzy.  I didn’t give up this past week and it was one of my most successful weeks!

I lost 3.8 pounds (1.72 kg) this week and it feels fantastic!  I’ve lost a total of 18.5 pounds and people are really starting to notice!  I love hearing people say that I’ve been doing well.  It is such a motivator, and believe me, I need all the motivation I can get!  Back in March, when I lost 2 pounds at my first weigh-in, I thought I’d never get this far.  It feels phenomenal, and I’m really looking forward to being attractive.

My plan is to put a picture of myself on Facebook when I’ve lost 60 pounds (27.22 kg).  I want to lose a total of 120 pounds (54.43 kg) so 60 is my halfway point.  I want people to be proud of me and to realize that I’m trying to improve my life. Most of all, I want a compliment from the boy.

I should mention that I have been doing a great job of going to Weight Watchers meetings. I’ve joined and quit after about a month for the past 3 times I’ve joined Weight Watchers (I hope that makes sense).  This time around, I’ve been going for almost 3 months.  I don’t know where this motivation is coming from, but I’m pretty stoked about it!  Perhaps I’m becoming a glass-half-full kind of gal?  The other day, I was thinking and I said to myself, “It will take forever to lose all this weight.”  Then, my optimistic side took over and said “I’ve lost almost 20 pounds, that’s a huge accomplishment!”  Hopefully, next week I’ll be able to say that I’ve lost 20 pounds total.  Once I’ve lost 20, I’m going to take my camera out again and show my before/after shots and stats.

Not Ready To Give Up Just Yet

I’d almost given up.  I thought about it.  I’ve been questioning my ability to lose weight and I’ve missed two weeks of Weight Watchers since I’d last written.  For a little while, I had given up on this blog as well.  There aren’t a lot of people interested in what I have to say and I don’t always see the results I had hoped for.  But then I realized that I’m writing this blog for myself.  The comments and followers and likes I get are just bonuses.  I’m keeping this blog so that some day I can look back and see how far I’ve come.  

Lately, I haven’t gotten very far.  I’ve now lost a total of 14.7 pounds.  I had really hoped to be 20 pounds lighter by this time.  But during those weeks where I gave in to my cravings or just said “oh, what the hell?”, I didn’t progress.  I’m proud to say that over the past week, I lost 1.2 pounds and feel that I am headed on the right track once again.

I’d like to see a decent weight loss by the end of the summer.  I know that I will not be under 200 pounds by Labor Day, that’s just unrealistic.  But, I do believe I can lose a total of 30 pounds by that time.  I’m almost halfway there!

In other parts of my life, I haven’t improved much.  I’m still hoping that he will contact me.  I go on Facebook each night in anticipation of chatting with him.  It doesn’t happen.  I’m too afraid to say anything to him in fear that we will have nothing to say to each other.  It’s like a dull ache that I try to ignore while living my life and then there are times where the pain just takes over and feels like a fresh punch to the gut.  

I don’t know how anyone can care so much for someone but hate that someone so much at the same time.  From experience, I’ve gathered that the people who can hurt me the most are the ones I care for the most.  I just want so much to stop caring because it’s obvious that he could care less about me.  

What I’m really afraid of, is not taking a chance with someone else because there’s still this hope deep inside, this hope that we will rectify our broken friendship and eventually, he’ll tell me I’m beautiful again.  It’s such a contradiction to who I am.  I think of myself as a cynic–the ultimate pessimist–but I still have this hope.  I want the hope to go away so that I can just forget about him.